Monday, December 02, 2013

"Is it too much to ask?"

"He does everything else for me, why won't he do this?"

Surgical Team

"Titan, the only thing I know about a colon is that it is an underused  punctuation mark. But I do know how to humiliate you on the court."

Figuratively Speaking

"Titan, Richie and I were just doing our part to get you properly prepared" grinned Gene 'King' Slattery at the conclusion of his three set sweep this afternoon at Kinsley Park. TennisTitan and regular doubles mate Frank 'Slats' Slattery were out gunned  (2-6, 3-6, 4-6) by 'King' and Rich 'Royal Crown' Condon. "Frankie had to do more running for you today than usual" observed the 'man who reminds all 'my name ends in an 'n,' not 'm.' But he can't help you tonight 'laxative lackey,' you're on your own." "Frankie, I can't even say 'we were hosed' by bad calls" continued TennisTitan. "We just got the 'shit kicked out of us.' The man known as 'My Liege' remarked, "Oh, you'll be hosed tomorrow on that cold steel table.You'll wish it was by a tennis racket." "Not to worry'" 'soothed the 'coddling counselor,' you shouldn't have much trouble with the procedure...after all, you are the biggest asshole in the group."

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Hearty Hooples

These fellas may be 'taunted' (by me) but they are also 'undaunted' by the weather."

"We start at 9:30 boys."

"You guys show up after 10 o'clock and it's a balmy 28 degrees.It's fitting that you lost a set together (6-4) to 'Slats'/'deli man'."

"But George. 'How does it feel?"

"Titan, I like that you use my oft heard quote in the title of the blog today. Can't you think of something original?"

"It's fun mornings like this that I'll miss so much when I am on the beach in Florida next month."

"Is it always this easy" ob cit: 'Happy JacK'

"Today was really my feast" quipped an 'exuberant egotist' as he reached for his camera. "Titan, you've got much to be thankful for, but your tennis skills should not be on the list" opined 'Big Al' Diodati. "It probably should be your choice in partners" smiled George 'deli man' Hauss who led TennisTitan to impressive bookend victories (6-2, 6-2) against the chastened 'Italian Stallion' who had paired with Frank 'Slats' Slattery and then with Carl the 'anonymous Gas Man.' "And what of my third set triumph then?" deli man,' countered the 'blatant blasphemer.' I took the 'coddling counselor' under my wing, and lo and behold, 'Slats' had a win. Need I remind you former 'Chemist,' that I doused your Bunsen flame (6-4) to complete my sumptuous meal against all who opposed me this frigid morning at Kinsley Park. 'Happy Jack' Carey, victimized along with the 'haughty Hauss,' summarized it best as he dragged on his cigarette, "Titan, we all knew that your 'bloviating hot air babbling' during the sets would more than offset the 25 degrees temperature this morning."

Saturday, November 23, 2013

"We tossed your salad."

"This was the best ante pasta to the wonderful meal we will celebrate with our families. I go nuts when I beat you."

"Easy as Apple Pie"

"Titan, just say 'I set the table. The 'Kraut' served as well as always."

The Invited Guest - not!

"This German friend said. 'he tried to duck me as his partner, but soon came to realize his 'goose was cooked.'

Basted, then Roasted

"Why don't you just declare this 'Your Turkey Day' cackled 'Big Al' Diodati as he happily smiled next to Bob 'Kraut' Kluge as they reflected on their (3-6) opening set victory over TennisTitan and 'Rockin' Rick Ricci. "You see 'odious oaf.' I can and do win when I pair with a complete player. And his name doesn't have to be the Tullyville Trolley, just not the 'braggadocios blogger" continued the 'Italian Stallion. 'Der Klugemeister' continued, "I might have had some concern in the second set when Rick wised up and chose to play with me when you drafted fellow Deutschlander 'Carl the Anonymous Gas Man' to be your partner, but even he could not negate your ineptitude on this chilly, windy day at Kinsley Park. The (2-6) thumping was the gravy on this blustery day you got your just desserts, Titan." "Bobby, you were stuffing your power serve right down the tee. With Mr.Potato head as my partner, there was not much I could do,  We were mashed! 'I will turnip my nose and that cranberry soon enough. Let's get out of here before the turkey is cold," laughed the 'anonymous Gas Man.'

Thursday, November 21, 2013

"You know what I say...

might as well dress a good game if you can't play one."

The Big 'Green' Apple

"Once Vlad got his backhand going to complement his serve, he made it tough for me in the third set."

They know me too well.

"Don't worry Al. Titan will make some excuse why he didn't win with you as he did easily with us."

A failure to deliver..

"But Al 'it's not over until the fat lady sings' was TennisTitan's pathetic response to a disconsolate 'Big Al' Diodati's forlorn look as he sat on the bench awaiting the inevitable end of match picture. "We were coming back from a 2-5 deficit in the final set and had it (4-5 love -30), well on our way to breaking when time ran out" pleaded the 'loathsome loud mouth.'  "But 'insufferable idiot' responded the 'Italian Stallion,' you had dominated the opposition when you had had Max Tutor.Tuchman (6-2) and Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev (6-1) as partners in the first two sets. You promised me a victory. Why did your game desert you when I was your partner, queried the 'officious octogenarian'.?" The 'Russian Bear' interjected "In the old Soviet Union our leaders were men like the Titan, 'boisterous buffoons,' always making promises they never intended to keep. To wit the 'sagacious septuagenarian' a taunting 'Tutor' replied, "Vlad, that seems to be the problem we have here in America now. And, by the way Al, you can keep your partner, period! And to think we both voted for that 'inept incompetent' twice."

Saturday, November 16, 2013

"How to hit a backhand, page 22"

"If you can't play it...or in this case, read about it."

"Titan, it's not read my lips...

it's read my chest!"

Today's Another Story

"At least George saw me play very well yesterday."

Deli Man's Delight

"I think I have finally found the partner I want."

Nigerian Nightmare

"In my country they use a machete to clear the bush. Here, the tennis racket will do fine."

Getting Cut Down to size

"At least it was a beautiful day" offered Rockin' Rick Ricci in his attempt to soothe TennisTitan's disappointment in dropping both sets (3-6, 3-6) to 'RRR and Chris 'I-Man' Ikhigbonomarem at Kinsley this delightful fall morning.'Titan, you can't expect to play as well against "I-Man" as you did against me and 'Slats' yesterday; his game is at another level" sympathized George 'Deli man Hauss.' "But, how about me - and my game" interjected the 'Rock.' "Your play 'was lights out today' agreed the former 'Chemist' turned 'sandwich maker.' "The only way we would have won against these two this morning is if I invoked the old 'Deli man's' trick" observed George, "And what's that?" queried my 'Nigerian Nightmare.'  "Thumb on the scale as you weigh the cold cuts." "Anyhow Titan, you already cheat with your bad calls" giggled 'Rockin' Rick.

Friday, November 15, 2013


"Bobby, do you think it was good for them too. Offer them a cigarette."

"My Afternoon Delight"

"Ok, Titan, you can say 'you had your way with us."

"He never considers my feelings

"I'm spayed!"

"When the time is right' says the ad

"Well I have been known to have had an occasional breakfast at the Mont Olympus diner on Central Park Avenue" was TennisTitan's deadpanned response to the praise lavished on him by Bob 'Kruat' Kluge following TT/'Kraut's double victory (6-4, 6-0) over George 'deli-man' Hauss and Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "You played like a veritable Greek god today, 'exalted egotist,' remarked a 'flummoxed Frank.' "He must be on steroids" interjected his 'Tuetonic teammate.' "Six weeks without playing a set in Florida and he dominates us with his play today" said a 'doleful deli man,' I suspect 'testosterone therapy' continued the 'coddling counselor.' Indeed, TennisTitan could do no wrong at the Andrus courts this date. Power serves, razor sharp returns, deft volleys coming off his racket like never seen before. The sine non qua that proved the Titan's unfettered prowess was TT/'Slats' (4-3 partial) effort in the truncated finale over 'Kraut'/'Deli man.' Fittingly, Titan ended the contest's tie breaker with a hard nonreturnable serve to 'Der Klugemeister.' "And remember 'V' is not only for Victory, but Viagra too" offered the 'vacuous vociferant' as he stood erect and then packed up his dog. "Two hours on the court or two minutes in bed. Sex was never this good," the group agreed as they headed to their cars.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Oh, Auntie Em, look who I saw...

Extra kudos to those of my readers who used to watch Mr. Wizard on TV. If you remember his name respond in an email and i will give you my autograph on a used tennis ball.

The Munchkins

"or would you prefer Flying Monkeys?"

The Wizard of Blog

"There's no place like home" sighed the TennisTitan as play concluded at the Yonkers Tennis Center this date. "This ain't Kansas" remarked 'Big Al' Diodati to the 'smiling sexagenarian.' Titan didn't much care that the results played out as expected in today's sets. The (1-6) opening set loss with 'Big Al' was the prelude to the (6-0) effort with 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Bill Tully as Titan's partner. The (3-4 partial)  final set with Titan pairing with Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev proved to be the most competitive. "This is the pairing we should always use with this foursome" commented the 'bloated blowhard' at picture time."Well, some people without brains do an awful lot of talking don't they?" retorted the Russian bear. " I am not the Scarecrow" the Titan answered back. "I know who you are" interjected the 'Tullyville Trolley.' "Since you played with so much heart in that third set as you always do against me, you can't be the Tin Man. You must be the Cowardly Lion who has the courage to write this stupid blog." "Think again EBL" said 'Big Al.' "Who else brings a dog to a tennis match? And serves like a girl?  Titan is Dorothy in drag!"

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Retirement Party

"George finally retired yesterday. So today he's the big winner even if the score sheet doesn't show it."

The Winning Formula

"Stuart and I never get tired of winning."

"Retired today" is what I said, Jack

"I thought he said 'he's tired of me.'

Changing of the Guard

"Titan, now you can go to Florida knowing that you'll be remembered for something" giggled Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "You mean as a 'winner' retorted TennisTitan after he and the 'coddling counselor' had finished off Stuart 'not ESPN' Scott and George 'ex Chemist' Hauss (6-1) in today's finale. "No, not as a winner, but as a party pooper" chimed in 'Happy Jack' Carey. "We finally add the 'Chemist' as an always available player with his retirement yesterday and you go and beat him with me at your side twice, three consecutive sets (6-4, 6-2) exclaimed 'not ESPN.' The first order of business is 'I want a new nickname' commented George. The sobriquet 'ex Chemist' just doesn't ring true. How about 'Deli Man' recognizing my wicked side slice serve, and back spin dropper" added the 'ribald retiree'. "I was thinking more along the lines of 'cheeky coach' stated 'Happy Jack,' but then I realized  George 'up 'YOURS!' Hauss has a meaning all in Kinsley would understand about your game.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Kudos Kids

'Damn right, Titan. We deserve top billing the way we both played this afternoon."

Jive Talking

"Come on Al. Let's put on a happy face. Maybe they'll think we won."

Need a Late Pass?

'Big Al' you must have not noticed. Bill 'EBL' Tully was not your partner today' opined Max 'Tutor' Tuchman. The 'Italian Stallion' and the 'Tutor' managed to run out the clock and stave off 'Big Al's third consecutive defeat this afternoon at the Yonkers Tennis Center (5-3 partial) versus TennisTitan and 'Rockin' Rick Ricci. "I must have been a more than suitable replacement for 'EBL' continued the Tutor.' "I managed to lead Titan back from a 1-3 deficit in the second set so that the 'bloated blowhard' can crow about a (6-3) victory in his self-serving blog over you and the 'Rock.' "That (3-6) setback you sustained in the opener with Titan as your partner was entirely TT's fault" continued 'munificent Max'. "How so, 'esteemed educator' queried 'Big Al.'  "Had not the 'noxious nitwit' tired himself out warming up "RRR' and myself as we waited for our fourth, perhaps you would have had a victory in the first set" ventured the 'mawkish maven.' "But I was the fourth" responded 'Big Al.' " I know. That's why you would've deservedly lost all three sets, save for my dillydallying in the final set" replied a 'testy Tutor.'

Thursday, September 12, 2013

My Two Tullys

"Isn't it fitting that I carry one, because the other always carries me?"

"Just Saying....

"Slats has a much better sense of humor than first serve."

My Birthday Boys

"God Bless You Both."

Here's My Gift...

"I can get used to this" TennisTitan remarked to no one in particular at picture time. The 'slothful slob' had just completed the daily double at the Yonkers Tennis Center with (6-4, 6-3) triumphs both against and with the Tulllyville Trolley. "Bill, I needed to beat you today because tomorrow you'll be celebrating your birthday and I prefer my notable victories to come against younger men." "So why did I lose to you twice this afternoon" groused 'Big Al' Diodati. "Al, you're the senior member of our little group.We all aspire to have a solid game like yours at any age, but it was apparent today that you had to save your breath to blow out four score and four more candles on your cake this coming Monday."  "And what about me," inquired Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "Sad to say, Frankie, but beating you is no longer a notable victory. Tuesday's results ended that!" The 'coddling counselor' replied, "easy for you to say Titan, but my winning with you as my partner, especially against 'Energizer Bunny Legs' is always a notable victory for me in my book."

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

"Got Some 'Splaining to do?"

"You guys looked like Lucy and Ethel on the candy conveyor belt most of the day."

"Yea but...

We've got some bragging to do!"

The 7 Grounds for Divorce

"No, Frank. I don't wanna hear 'what would Julie say.' I want to hear what Patsy would say." "You pull that crap with her, like you did with me this afternoon, she'd have your ass in court for non-support" carped an enraged Gene 'King' Slattery to cousin Frank 'Slats' Slattery at Andrus Park. The 'King' was none too happy losing the first set, after being up 2-4, (6-4), along side his cousin, to the TennisTitan and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. "You know I can't take losing to anyone, especially when I am clearly a far better player, but to lose to that 'obnoxious oaf,' my God, my sons Chris and Chuck will be incredulous." "Gene, they went to Concordia. They don't know the meaning of the word" answered Frank. "They never lose in tennis, especially against the likes of that 'crippled curmudgeon and his motor mouth' responded my Liege. "Gene, I meant the word 'incredulous' corrected the 'coddling counselor.' "You abandoned me at my time of need with the irretrievable breakdown of your volley at critical times" critiqued a 'flummoxed Frank.' "And we did beat TT/'Kraut' (1-6) in the second set" continued 'Slats.' "Seems like you two need Richard Dawson here next time to play Family Feud" interjected the 'Kraut.' "But let me remind you," Titan and I were up (4-1 partial) in the rubber before my bus duty called. And if you two think you were coming back to beat us with the kind of support and team work I get from the Titan, then we have 'irreconcilable differences.' With that, a sheepish Frank turned to Gene and said, "how the hell can we explain this to Billy at our next game of hearts." "It's easy" quipped the Titan, 'tell him it'd be cruel and inhuman treatment to beat Titan at a sport he loves so much!"

And Frankie...Julie says, "Titan you are my hero."

Saturday, September 07, 2013

"Time to leave. Men's Semis are on TV."

"Not ESPN assures me that 'we'd have to pay extra to attend the Open.'

'Let's pretend I don't know you, Titan."

"So this is how you celebrate my long awaited return."

All's Fair in Love...

"And this is a war Prezzie" was the TennisTitan's retort. Indeed, it was a battle from start to finish as the Titan and 'Happy Jack' Carey out lasted (7-6 [5]) George 'Chemist' Hauss and Rich 'El Prezidente' Prezioso in the opening set. Tempers flared on both sides of the net over alleged missed calls. TT's needling of the 'hapless health educator' was more than the maven of Briarcliff Manor could stand. Taunts of "your cataracts are riper than Beef Steak tomatoes" were hurled at the 'boisterous bullshitter.' "Prezzie, your barbs are no more accurate than either your rotten returns or 'opportune astigmatism.' Under cooler circumstances Titan paired with Frank 'Slats' Slattery for the second set with Stuart 'Not ESPN' Scott stepping in as 'Chemist' partner for the departed 'aggrieved antagonist.' The set was not played to completion, ending at 4 games a piece to enable the participants to watch the Men's Open Semifinal. 'Slats' opined "listening to you and 'El Prezidente' this morning, Titan, brings back memories of a McEnroe - Connors semi in the early '80s... not their tennis mind you."

Thursday, September 05, 2013

Welcome Back TennisTitan

"Let's have a fun and healthy season."

Always the Winning Formula

"Like the new shirt? But I like my old partner even better."

He's like All State

"Not to worry TennisTitan, you're in good hands" was the greeting offered by Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully as 'Big Al' Diodati and Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev walked to the other side of the net. Much to the surprise of TT the opening set of the first indoor session of the '13-'14 season featured the traditional foursome in an atypical alignment. "Titan, we read your blogs occasionally. We see your ass getting kicked time and time again. Even you deserve a victory' chuckled 'Big Al..' And so it was. TT/'EBL' opened with a dominant (6-0) performance. "Bill is serving underhanded because of his damaged right shoulder" remarked the 'Russian Bear' but until he has to run backwards on his heels he will still assure a victory for his partner with whomever he opposes among us." "Good observation" commented the 'bloated blowhard,' "speed kills in this sport, but man I really appreciate his deftness with his hands at net, given the play of my recent partners." "Titan, why don't you give me a 'good hand' now, interjected 'Big Al' at picture time. "Didn't I help contribute making our (3-6) loss to 'EBL'/'Russkie' in set two somewhat respectable?" "Sorry Al. You and I are brick layers at net" cackled the 'miserable misanthrope' "Only a fish should be more wary of a net than you guys" laughed 'EBL.'

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

"Gimpy HANDS" today?

"If I had any other partner I'd feel bad. But for you, Titan, I make an exception."

Painful Lesson

"Sorry Joe, there's nothing humorous about the way we played" was the Titan's response. "No way we can beat these guys if you have a sub par day at the net, not with the way I play. There are too few winners in my arsenal.  You must be able to volley effectively for us to have a chance. I can maintain an 8-10 ball rally from the back court most times, but when you or 'Slats' are my partner the strategy is always to cross and win the point on the first volley " 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz and TennisTitan were barely competitive (2-6, 2-6) against Frank 'Slats' Slattery and Bob "Kraut' Kluge at Andrus Park. "I don't have enough talent to carry the day against any of you three guys unless my partner plays at his best" whined the 'whimpering wuss.' 'Slats' interjected, "Titan, your strategy worked perfectly today. It was so much fun poaching your rallies with 'Der Klugemeister. You certainly helped me play at my best. It's like you were my partner too."

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Credit where credit is due.

"I figure, if I feed his ego, he'll play harder for me next time and i won't have to explain a first set loss."

"Has that Pepsi shirt seen the washing machine?"

"Kraut, it's been tough getting a victory against you these past few weeks."

Well, it's my blog, isn't it?

"Excuse me George. I do all the blaming."

Happiness is Beating the Titan

"What's with the pose, 'Kraut.' 'El profesor' a bigger load to carry than moi?"

Comme ci, comme ca

"Well George, it is Labor Day weekend,after all" was Titan's terse comment to an exhausted George 'Chemist' Hauss at the conclusion of play this morning at Kinsley Park. 'Chemist' had taken TT on his slouched shoulders in his fourth consecutive set to lead the 'crusty curmudgeon' to a (6-2) victory over Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and Stuart 'not Espn' Scott. TennisTitan had paired with the 'Bunsen burner' man in his opening foray against 'Der Klugemeister' and George 'el profesor' Febles. The 'teacher' was making one of his infrequent Saturday appearances at Kinsley and provided enough support to secure the (4-6) defeat of TT/'Chemist.' "George, you've been on vacation this week. I didn't expect you to continue it this morning when you accepted the mantle of responsibility of doing the running for me" quipped the 'irascible idiot.' To wit 'Chemist' replied, "yeah, it's always work playing with you Titan, Each and everyone of us here, know it's always a labor day on the court. One with inane, annoying comments and a very occasional winner."

Monday, August 26, 2013

We needed a Rickshaw

"Titan was definitely too much to carry today."

The Little Engine Who Could

"And I thought my time in 'Nam was tough. 'I think I can..."

Reality Sets In

TennisTitan regrouped at the Andrus Park courts with Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz, Frank 'Slats' Slattery and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. TT/'Slats' paired in the opener hoping they could duplicate their strong performance from last week but were soundly trounced (1-6). 'Der Klugemeister' stepped up to be the Titan's partner in the second set and evidently lost his mojo (2-6). Hope was springing eternally - until an afternoon shower stopped play with TT/'Gimpy Knees up (2-1 partial). At picture time a visibly lame TennisTitan offered, "I either have leg cramps coming on or have strained a calf muscle and probably shouldn't play on Wednesday." An unsympathetic 'Kraut' retorted, "you probably shouldn't play any day, you just haven't realized it yet." 'Slats,' quipped, "Titan, your excuses for losing are always lame, so this leg business is nothing new." "Leave the man alone in his misery," interjected 'Gimpy Knees.' I feel bad enough that the rain prevented me from winning a third game with the 'odious oaf.' Then I could have declared myself the best player today."

Saturday, August 24, 2013

No Hangover Blues Here

"I am strong enough to carry the Titan, late night or not."

"This ain't Snow White...

more like Cinderella. We had a Ball!"

"Not today boys"

"We're not sops! But you can feature us in Aesop's next time."

The Dwarfs

 "I am usually 'Happy' as you can see."
Anyone would be 'Grumpy' to lose to that jerk"

Fairytale Tennis

"No one who plays you ever expects you to be Bashful about your supposed tennis prowess when you write your Dopey blog" commented Bob 'Kraut' Kluge at picture time. "That's because I know how to pick a partner who gives me a chance to win" answered a Happy TennisTitan after his satisfying (7-5) second set victory over Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak and the 'Kraut.' "My only concern was that my 'naughty nephew,' Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe, would be too 'Sleepy' to get the job done for me this morning after a late night on McLean Av. post Mets game" said TT. "I even enjoyed playing with the 'bloated blowhard' this morning" contributed Stuart 'not Espn' Scott who helped defeat (6-2) the tandem of 'Big Al' Diodati and Frank 'Slats' Slattery in the opener. "Wish I could have stayed for another set with you Titan, but I have to see my Doc this morning before heading off on a family vacation later today" added Stuart. A very Grumpy 'Big Al' chided, "I bet that 'facetious fairytale' teller will not even give you full credit in his (sic) Sleazy commentary. "I thought the name of the seventh dwarf was Sneezy" questioned the 'dozin docent.' "Sorry, for this (sic) Grimm reminder" interjected the 'testy Teuton.' This is the 21st century...Sleazy is appropriate!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Working up an Appetite

"So what's a little agita. I'll get over it by Saturday."