Saturday, April 30, 2011

Family Feud

"Look at this. The 'Jersey Bomber' is trying to wrest credit from me. I'll teach him."

Another 'NMF'!

"Come on Jack.You know it was your fault. It's NEVER MY FAULT."

Out of the mouth of babes...

"Titan, 'not Espn' is my friend and neightbor... not a 'back stabber' like yourself."

Mixed Doubles!

"Titan, if you've rested enough take this photo in 'black and white.'

Chip off the ol' Block

The phone rang persistently from a NJ number on Tuesday morning May 3rd before the Titan decided he better pick it up. TennisTitan was being called to task by the 'Jersey Bomber.' "What's up old man? I display my finest tennis this past Saturday at Kinsley and you choose somehow not to blog it," queried a 'naughty nephew.' "I travel 120 miles round trip to be your legs in those (6-2, 6-4) victories over 'Happy Jack' Carey and Stuart 'not Espn' Scott and your arthritic fingers can't find the keyboard. The crew knows you're slow as molasses on the court but usually very quick on the blog write up. Now you're telling me you're fresh out of ideas to explain your (2-6) opening set pounding by George 'Chemist' Hauss and 'Dave the Rave." "Why don't you just tell your readers that I couldn't get to the park until 10:30 and so you were stuck with 'Hapless Jack' as your partner in that one. And don't forget to mention that while you sat your sorry, fat ass on the bench I proceeded to win my final two sets (6-0, 6-2) with partners 'Dave the Rave' and the 'Chemist' crowed Rob "Jersey Bomber' Briscoe.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

"I can't beat him on the court...

but the blog's another story."

The Black Russian

"Can't you just picture him in a John Le Carr novel... the document dump...the missile secrets... a double agent assassin. Scary!"

Just being a Wise Guy...

"I can never say anything bad about 'Big Al.' Working all these years in construction, I think he's mobbed up."

Tonsorial Tennis

"I figured you needed a goodbye present" chortled the 'Tullyville Trolley' his mouth agape. TennisTitan made his last scheduled appearance of the indoor season at the YTC this date playing his final set along side Bill ' Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully (6-1) rather than opposing him. 'Big Al' Diodati threw the Titan the life raft after he and the 'tireless Tipperarian' bageled (0-6) the 'lumbering loud mouth' and Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. The 'Italian Stallion'/TT had dropped the opening set (2-6) to 'EBL'/'Russian Rocket.' "Bulbous blowhard, you suffered so many defeats at the hands of 'Big Al' and I this season as we stood idly on the baseline while Bill dominated at the net and patrolled the open court, we thought you should have the chance to be his team mate one time" opined 'Russkie.' 'Did you learn anything playing behind him 'Tommy TrashTalk' inquired 'Big Al.' Titan quipped, "there are no holes in his game guys, but that's not true with his hair. I now know he has the beginnings of a bald spot."

Thursday, April 21, 2011

My Passover Pal

"Funny thing is - my parents wanted me to be a rabbi - who knew?"

'Tutor' tootin' his Shofar

"Now listen. I've been a Jew almost 75 years. I know more about the Haggadah than someone who converted 75 minutes ago."

Genteel Gentiles

"Our EXODUS says 'we won two more.' That's all that counts to us."

My Bondage

"Titan, it took the Jews hundreds of years to get out of Egypt. Be patient" cracked Max 'Tutor Tuchman. The 'impatient idiot' wanted to know how much longer it would be before Titan/'Tutor' could expect to defeat the tandem of 'Big Al' Diodati and Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully. "But Max, you said that this afternoon would be different from all other afternoons when we played them" continued the 'boorish baseliner.' The (2-6, 1-6) result would not so indicate. "Titan you just don't understand. Today I made you a Jew. You attended your first Seder" Max explained at net. "How was that, Tutor" inquired 'Big Al.' 'EBl' said, "Titan is clearly enslaved by his love of tennis and his particular desire to beat us, Al. And since he is the youngest among us, he must ask the ritualistic question: why this afternoon is like no other afternoons." "That's perceptive of you Bill, any other ideas?" "I have one" interjected 'Big Al.' "Titan hits the ball so flat, it is like matzoh when it comes over the net, never rising." "And his running commentary during the match is, like matzoh, 'so tasteless' too" added the Tullyville Trolley. "All very true" continued the 'rallying rabbi' but you miss the most essential part of TT's conversation to Judaism today." "First of all, it is a blessing that Titan writes his stupid blog that we enjoy. And part of any good Seder meal is the bitter herb. Need I say more given his snide remarks. But most importantly during the match he serves such a good whine."

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Muy caliente y muy frio

"Poor 'Gimpy Knees,'...last week he forgets his jacket; today, he just wants to forget."

The choice was his...

"Big Al,' with me you won so much more easily" (6-1) pleaded the 'insolent idler.'

American Idol

"Sorry, Titan - I'll take the 'Chemist' every time. over the 'Arrogant Idle."

Parting Shot

"Titan, all I know is that I run less with this 86 year old man than with you as my partner."

Before the Storm

"Titan, with an inch of rain expected later today, your tears now won't make a bit of difference" crowed 'Big Al' Diodati who with George 'Chemist' Hauss held on to win the final set (6-7 [6]) in a nail biting finish. It was fitting that the most competitive set of this dreary, windy Saturday morning would involve TennisTitan pairing with 'su amigo' Joe 'Gimpy Knees Cruz. Trailing 2-4 the Puerto Rican dandy showed flashes of his once dominant ability at Kinsley. GK's power forehand and crisp volleys had put TT in a position to close it out leading 6-5 in the finale. But three times the 'Italian Stallion' faced set point on his serve, only to survive and force the breaker. Down 1-5 in the tiebreaker TT/GK rallied to gain another set point that was also squandered just prior to a 'Chemist' put-away of TT's return of a well placed Diodati serve. In typical Titan fashion the 'egotistical egomaniac' attempted to bask in the 'stallion's shadow' at picture time reminding the 'Chemist' that TT had led 'Big Al' to a smashing (6-1) triumph over the tandem of the Sab 'Koide Kid' and Frank 'Slats' Slattery in the opening set. "Need I remind you, 'otiose oaf,' that Senor Cruz and I roasted your plantains (1-6) when you and the 'Italian Stallion' faced real opposition in the second set" retorted the 'Bunsen Burner'

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Jersey Bomber

"I was a C.P.A. in that second set. Confident, Patient, Athletic!

Tired and Retired

"Nothing like a good return, right fellow tax payers?"

A Taxing Day

"Well, Titan, you'd better hope your tax returns are more dependable than what you displayed against my serve" beamed a happy 'naughty nephew' after his second set victory in Tinton Falls NJ this afternoon. Rob Briscoe, aka 'Jersey Bomber,' stayed the course with his big, but too often unreliable, serve against the 'bloated blowhard' to capture the set (4-6). "You, reducing those double faults I usually can count on in the night cap, is like me losing my Schedule E, that capital loss on my Florida condo" retorted the 'aching agitator.' "Titan, you need a coach to do an audit of your game, not the IRS to review your 1040." "Bomber, why do you say that? Didn't I whip your ass (6-3) in the first set?" "Only because, you should claim a second exemption because 'you must be blind' with those calls you made against my serve' quipped the 'confident confidant.' "My father reviews your taxes for arithmetic accuracy, not verifiable veracity. I really need him here for the service line, not the lines on the 1040. And by the way, based on today's efforts, you're not claiming any energy credits, are you?" To that TennisTitan replied, "I am the 'bogus bullshitter' on and off the court, am I not? Your double faults are my instant refund."

Saturday, April 09, 2011

How about: "Just SHUT UP!"

"I'm so happy to be back... I could"

He Could'a Had One of Them but...

He Got Me Instead!

Lest I forget...

"Today is the 'Chemist' birthday. My gift to him was that I was not his partner. Happy Birthday, George, may you be hitting them as well as 'Big Al' and 'Koide Kid" when you are in your 80's."

Check Engine Light

"Titan, I finally found a real job, carrying you around the tennis court is work I can do without" waxed an exhausted Carl the 'anonymous Gas Man' at the conclusion of his second set as the 'loathsome loud-mouth's partner. 'Anonymous Gas Man' was indeed gassed as he had to defend the back line alone against 'Dave the Rave' and George 'Chemist' Hauss in a (3-6) set back. "With gas nearing $4/gal. I better find a paying job. My wife is starting to call me the 'enigmatic idler' at home. She's going to accelerate me to divorce court" added the 'artistic accordionist.' TennisTitan/AGM had meshed well together in the opening set, holding on for a (6-4) victory over Sab 'Koide Kid' and Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz. But their fortunes began to stall out at 3-3 against 'Chemist'/'Rave.' The 'pompous prevaricator' manned the net effectively and did his part in controlling the alley but it was only a matter of time before 'Gas Man's energy was syphoned off in long defensive rallies. When the teams converged at net to bid their goodbyes until next week 'Slats,' 'Big Al,' Rockin' Rick,' 'Happy Jack' 'Not Espn' stood in line to wish Carl well at the new job but couldn't resist a jibe at the 'weary warrior.' "Titan, now that Carl finally found a job, will you revert to calling him 'Spindly Legs Gas Man' because he sure wasn't 'Speedy Legs today.'

Thursday, April 07, 2011

They Spiked my Tea Party

"Titan, it was 'politic' of us to even let you win a few games. Be happy with that."

Ignorance is Bliss

"This is one happy Democrat. He thinks Carter was a nuclear engineer rather than a failed peanut farmer; Clinton, a Rhodes scholar rather than a rogue roue, and now Obama is Lincolnesque! Except 'The One' is enslaving generations to debt!

My "Shutdown"

"Titan, Russians are not stupid, just duplicitous" commented Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev as he left the court with two easy victories under his belt. The (2-6, 1-6, 2-3 partial) hammering administered by the 'Molotov Cocktail' and his 'Minister of Defense,' Bill Tully, were reminiscent of all the panache used by Nikita Kruschev banging his shoe at the United Nations some 50 years ago. 'Big Al' Diodati had no answers for the returns coming off the racquet of the emigre from Behind the Iron Curtain, and the Titan was nothing more than a Bloody Sunday victim at the hands of the 'irrepressible Irishman.' "Next time, 'ludicrous libeler,' I will run to the side of the court 'Energizer Bunny Legs' will be defending rather than be stuck with you. Vladimir showed more hustle in picking his partner than my democrats have sob stories about shutting down the government" opined the 'Italian Stallion.'"Hell, 'Big Al,' we're all stuck with that Obamanation of a president you and the 'Tutor' voted for. A good community organizer is what you need here to determine fair sides, don't you think?" retorted the 'bearded birther.' Vladimir iced the conversation thus, "Americans are stupid. All your politicians lie to get votes. It so happens that in Russia we don't have a free press to vet a politician's character. Here, the press is only interested in Lady Gaga's measurements or the dates Charlie Shehan was in rehab. No one cares if this president spent 2 million dollars shielding his past. The press gives him the same 'pass' Tully gives you on the court - with ease!" "You've been Trumped, Titan" quipped the 'Tullyville Trolley.'

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Did you expect a Crocus?

"I'm like that first tuft of crab grass showing up on your lawn in April. Forever annoying if not dependably green."

"Chemist was Cooking."

"They thought they had us in that second set. They had to think again 20 minutes later."

Disappointed Duo

"Titan, you needed it more than we did. Next week will be a different story."

Spring is Here. Why aren't You?

"Titan, we couldn't think of a better way to welcome you home from Florida" opined 'Big Al' Diodati. "We read your Sunshine State entries and realized, like always, you'd be in desperate need of a win" commented 'Gimpy Knees' Joe Cruz. "I thought that I might even have to return to Florida to provide you with one. It was cheaper for me to let you win here at Kinsley" continued 'GK.' "It's never easy winning with the Titan" deadpanned the 'Chemist.' George Hauss had drawn the short straw in this morning's action and rose to the occasion. TT/'Chemist' dominated 'GK'/'Big Al' in the opening set (6-2) and rallied from love three down to take the second set (6-4). 'Chemist' had plenty of side spin on his slices, accuracy on his lobs and defended well from the baseline. The 'boorish blowhard' also did his part, contributing some pop on his serve and some agility at net. When the foursome met at net for pictures Titan reminded everybody, "spring is in the air; it should be a great season if all the guys show up next week." 'Chemist' quipped, "Lead footed loudmouth,' don't be worrying about others coming. How about you showing up with some spring in your step for a change!"