Saturday, October 30, 2010


"The only net that really matters to us Titan, is the bottom line."

"Making them Winners"

Brahmin and Pariah

"No one will mistake us for the great doubles team from India, Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi. Our skin is too light."

A Case Study

Both Anton and Anand turned in unison to Russell 'Hoya Saxa' Briscoe and chortled "Sorry Russ, there will be no second round for you today." The three MBA soon-to-be-graduates of the McCombs School of Business had assembled earlier on the U. Texas intramural tennis courts to join the TennisTitan in some doubles. Each paired with the 'pusillanimous psychologist' and the 'Dell dilettante' for a set and both came away losers when saddled with the younger Briscoe. TennisTitan and Anton 'Kalifornia King' Goldman took the opening set (6-3). The 'gregarious Georgetowner' threw enough double faults into the net to make his first set Indian partner Anand the 'Bombay bombardier' Sankaran, caste an evil eye toward the 'plodding pariah.' Titan kept his game simple, rushing the net as necessary and lobbing effectively to counteract the hard hitting 'HS'/'BB' tandem until the 'Kalifornia King' salted away the point. Anand the 'Bombay bombardier' remarked at sets' end, "Russ, I may be Hindu, but I sure do have a beef with your game." The second set was more to the liking of the 'enigmatic computer engineer' from the subcontinent. ''Playing along side your son was bad karma for me" quipped Anand, "but having you at my side Titan, I am now reincarnated." You are the 'Brahmin Briscoe' that the Vedas exhalt." TennisTitan replied, "It Paes to have me as you partner. Russell may know more about the Bhagavad Gītā than I do but I am the 'Krishna of the Court.' "Bhupathi, er, bullshit, I mean to say" screamed the 'Kalifornia King,' "Titan winning the second set (7-6 [1]) as you did with Anand was not as great an achievement as Russell getting to the second round in the job interview process with the Alexander Group, Wipro, and possibly Cognizant. Only there is he coming up aces through no fault of his own."

Thursday, October 28, 2010

'The Big Cat' - Carlos Peredo

"Yeah, Titan. I am big. But my game is even bigger... and I am mobile, ahem, unlike certain players I might add."

"I don't know when to quit."

"Now, I'll throw in the towel. I managed to salvage some dignity with that last set."

Ripped, for sure

"Titan, believe me, the pleasure was all mine" retorted the 'Big Cat.' Less than 18 hours after the TennisTitan was hammered by 'Santa Anna' Gourd, the 'masochistic malcontent' was ready to take his lumps from an even stronger singles player: Carlos the 'Big Cat' Peredo. How ironic that today's action took place at Davey Crockett HS in South Austin. "Big Cat,' perhaps you should have a tennis battle here with my boy, 'Santa Anna,' in the coming months, to celebrate the 175th Anniversary of the Alamo" suggested the 'bombastic blowhard' at the match's conclusion. The 'ludicrous libertine' was served a New York bagel (0-6) by the transplanted Marylander, computer programmer, who has had to temporarily adjust his career aspirations in this depressed economy. Titan fought gamely in dropping the first set (2-6) against the rocket returns and 85mph plus serves of the 'talented terrapin' before succumbing at love in the second set. "Titan, I admire your willingness to take me on in a third set" exclaimed the 'Big Cat' at picture time. "Take you on!?" shot back the 'blogging bullshitter,' I got 4 games off of you! (4-6). "Titan, I told you, it's part of my job. I'm stuck in a customer service position for a lawn mower replacement parts outfit. I gotta keep the client happy so they keep coming back. Get it now? That's how you won 4!" "And by the way, I graduated from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute ; that's RPI. You just received your R.I.P."

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

"His tennis game is lethal."

"Stu here chose to put me out of my misery more slowly in the second set today. Tell you the truth, losing the first as I did so quickly was even more painful."

My Dr. Deaths

See the Resemblance?

Doctor Death

"But Stuart, it's October. It's Halloween. That's why I came to Austin" was the TennisTitan's feeble, transparent attempt to change the subject. The 'loathesome loudmouth' had again been decimated at the hands of Stuart 'Santa Anna' Gourd (1-6, 4-6) at Northwest Park. "No pumpkin jokes in the blog, that's it, Titan. A gourd is not a pumpkin!" demanded the victorious attorney. "Next time you should just settle with me 'out of court' and we'll both be the happier for it" opined the superior athlete. "You save some pride, some of that precious energy you expend like it was gold and I don't have to get aggravated and abused in your piddling literary exercise" carped the 'boastful barrister.' "I knew that being break down against you in that second set was like me being break up against my daughter; neither of us having a real chance to take the set." "Watching you pant and barely hobble to the center hash mark to retrieve my shots down the line at crunch time makes me value Dr. Jack Kervorkian all the more. He should have been your tennis trainer."

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Conquering 'Zero'

"Whoa. I'm getting out of town with a double victory. See you back here in December."

Two Handed Folly

"George, I wouldn't worry. This shot has to be better than those you made against me in the first set."

"That's All Folks."

"Genealogist, this time you barked up the wrong tree" giggled the 'bloated blowhard' at the end 0f a hard fought second set under the lights at the Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club. After rolling over in the first set (6-2) to the TennisTitan, George 'Genealogist' Pratt rebounded to take the 'immobile minotaur' to the limit in his (6-4) defeat to close out TT's two and one-half week Florida Seniors Tour on a happy note. The not so 'genial geriatric' let this one get away as he led throughout only to be broken in the ninth game and have the Titan serve it out. The 'blogging bullshitter' departs the Sunshine State with a six and four record in sets played. The 'witty Wichitan' reminded the 'egotistical egomaniac' that only one of those six victories came against an opponent younger than the Titan. "First, you abuse your visitor from NY, 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz, who can't lift his arm above his head and can't run any better than you, then you brow beat me, a man 9 years your senior into three games you won handily and now you look to take credit!?" sniped the 'Son of the American Revolution' descendant. "I've met guys like you in libraries all over the country researching their ancestry. You're the type like that Clinton apologist, Sandy Berger, National Security Adviser. You remember, he filches an incriminating file and gets caught with it in his sock and he claims 'I forgot.' That's you on the tennis court." The 'flabbergasted flatulent fathead' retorted, "My guy was Sandy Becker. I never missed Wonderama on Sunday on Channel 5 in the 1950's. And he never wore socks either."

Sunday, October 17, 2010

"I Rest My Case," said Will Brumby

"Nolo Contendere, Titan"

My Plea...

"What is it with me and lawyers. They beat me up so regularly on the court that they've invented a new term: 'benepractice.'

Torts (as in Torture)

"Titan, I was afraid you'd use that nickname. That's why I had to crush you (0-6) in the second set. You're from NY and can appreciate a good bagel," replied Will 'Bumbling' Brumby. Dropping the opener to you (6-4) was somewhat of a surprise, me being so much younger (27) than you. I guess experience counts more in this sport than I realized" continued the neophyte attorney from Conyers Georgia currently making his home in St. Petersburg. "I think I made more errors late in that first set than I made on the Florida bar that I just past" exclaimed the Indiana U. graduate. "Bumbler, your quickness around the court is your greatest asset against the 'prevaricating procrastinator, let's hope you have it of mind in the court room. You'll be at the hospital before the ambulance, no doubt." "Titan, I don't need lectures from you between the white lines. I've had enough from real 'professorial pedagogues' in my time. And by the way, if anyone asks, "Hoosier tutor in all things tennis? The answer is: Will Brumby, Esquire!"

Friday, October 15, 2010

"Adios Amigo"

"Whoever said 'last man standing wins' must have been talking about us."

Bittersweet Goodbye

"Joe, I wanted to make sure you had something to think about on that long drive ahead of you" Titan said with a twinkle in his eye at the conclusion of the night match at the Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club. 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz wanted one last set against the 'Yonkers Yakker' before departing the west coast. Both combatants were hurting from the effects of their recent play against each other. TennisTitan was reeling even more from the thrashings administered this week by the superior play of the 'Human Dynamo' and the 'St. Pete Pistol' when he was far outclassed. But TT added insult to injury to his 'gimpy guest' by hanging another hard fought defeat on the 'Puerto Rican Plantain' (7-5) under the lights. "What kind of host are you?' whimpered the whining Latino as he gathered his belongings together. 'PRP" did his best to adapt his run and gun style of play to accommodate his throbbing right elbow. The 'immobile minotaur' exhibited the 'Titan Shuffle' hobbling to balls within his limited reach and striking winners at key moments in the contest. "Amigo, I thought that this one might go to a breaker like on Wednesday night. But at 5-5 you dropped your serve even more quickly than you down a full glass of rum." 'GK' observed, "And you served it out faster than you can say 'make me one too.' "Hasta lluego, vamos en Nueva York."

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Human Dynamo

"I'm not sure what I agreed to with this picture and all. But at least I got a work out after sitting behind a desk all day."

"Let there be light (next time)."

"I like a gracious winner" opined the Titan. "I'm just not sure if I like his management recommendations."

"Just Make It Quick" pleaded the Titan

"He knew his head was on the chopping block from the first serve that whizzed by him."

"Where's my Surge Protector?"

"Titan, you misunderstood. I said I was a management consultant and had worked in the energy field for many years and enjoyed playing tennis...however, not necessarily with you. Obviously, what you need is a TENNIS consultant, one who will help you MANAGE what little ENERGY you have" chortled George the 'Human Dynamo' Dahlberg after his (2-6) romp at the Lake Tennis and Sail Club. "But since you asked" continued a smiling 'Human Dynamo' "you suffer from a power outage on your serve, and a regular brown out after the fourth ball is hit to you in a rally. I further note that you treat coming to the net as if it were an electrified fence." Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz delighting in the TennisTitan decimation from the side lines continued the assault with "George, you don't know the half of it. The 'bloated blowhard' will spin this one-sided affair as a near split when we all know it would have been a 3-6 victory for you if the lights ever came on at this facility. His being up 3-1 in the second set was a temporary power surge that was aided by the fading twilight. There was no way he was going to be able to handle the pace of your serve and the consistency of your ground strokes over a full set. And the 'egotistical egomaniac' knows it."

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

"Hats Off to ME."

"Titan, next time I'll have your head on the platter."

Standing Tall

"Sorry Joe. No ass kicking today."

Lucky Losers

"Well, amigo, about that ass kicking. I must have missed it somehow. Your taking the second set from me (3-6) was my way of thanking you for your surprise visit to Tarpon Springs" chortled the 'pedantic prevaricator.' "You lucky bastard" replied Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz. "Not only do you have beautiful set up with 2 lit, under utilized courts on a lake side setting, you must have a horse shoe up your ass coming back from break down and winning the opener (7-6 [1]). You smoked me in the breaker." Indeed, this mornings matches at the Lake Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club were the classic donnybrooks, reminiscent of the quality once regularly offered by these opponents in the 90's. 'GK,' coming back from breakdown early in the set could not close out the Titan when the Puerto Rican Plantain was serving at 5-6. "Joey, baby, when you've got an opportunity to close out the 'noxious knucklehead'' you better not blow it. And you did. I made you pay big time." "After our poor showing yesterday against St. Pete's Pistol" waxed Joe philosophically "we both should feel better about our game." "BULLSHIT!" bellowed the 'bellicose bellyacher.' "I feel good because you 'couldn't kick my ass.' You should feel good because I 'didn't kick your ass." "Tommy, translate that for me," asked the 'PRP.' "Joe, we're both suck" laughed the Titan.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

St. Pete's Pistol: Justin

"Titan, didn't your mother ever tell you: 'Be careful what you ask for.' There are real tennis players in Florida you know."

He's had ENOUGH of ME!

"Forget about the score. I wanted to play him another set, after Joe. He refused!"


"Titan, I need protection. I feel as if I am about to get hammered."

Blowout in Largo

"But what are you going to say tomorrow when I whip your ass" shot back Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz to the TennisTitan, he with the shit-eating grin on his face. "But I won 2 more games against a fresh opponent," quipped TT." 'Gimpy Knees' and the 'bloated blowhard' had just met their match individually in sets played against Justin, the St. Petersburg Pistol, at Largo High School. Your 'boisterous bullshitter' as per usual joined the local Tennisopolis site upon arrival in Tarpon Springs to broaden his tennis contacts. As luck would have it, Justin (who desires to remain anonymous) was the first respondee and a match was arranged for this date. "Joe, aren't you sorry you showed up on my condo doorstep this morning and I dragged you to a match where you got pummeled. I lost a more respectable (3-6) to SPP when he was still fresh. You were trounced (1-6) like the over ripe tomato you are after I gave him a work out at least." "Titan, I am still enjoying this pastrami sandwich at the Lucky Dill Restaurant that you tout so much, even listening to your bullshit. But not nearly as much as I will when I put the mustard on my serve against you and make potato salad of your folly floater and ground strokes. You'll be wanting to join Justin in the Witness Protection Program that he must belong to. Why else wouldn't he want to let your readers know of this annihilation."

Friday, October 08, 2010

Son of the American Revolution

"I wouldn't be the one to talk about 'distended stomachs' if I were you."

My Medical Instrument

"The handle might fit his mouth but not the racquet. Too bad."


"Titan, I'm still recovering from the endoscopy I had the other day" whined the 'Genealogist.' "Did you expect me to be in form after the procedure especially since I haven't played at all since your last visit to the Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club. "That's not a good enough excuse George, retorted the 'bombastic blowhard.' The last time we played it was you who shoved that unexpected victory down my throat." "Today, I opened a new can of balls after you give me only 30 minutes notice that "you can squeeze tennis with me in to your precious agenda for the day, and then you quit after one set. You're damn lucky you got 2 games off me (6-2). "Fatuous Farthead,' I genuinely still have a belly ache" bellowed the 'bellyaching boatsman' from Wichita. "I am President of the local Sons of the American Revolution Chapter and it is incumbent upon me to be in top physical shape to squeeze my torso into togs far too small for me. A distended stomach simply will not do with the next meeting within the fortnight." "Cut the bullshit, you Jackalope," retorted the 'apoplectic asshole.' "I'm taking us out to Pappas' Ranch for barbecue lunch and watch you gnaw on those ribs and slobber over the brisket because you agreed to play. I will savor those same items as a testament to my well earned triumph. That's how we'll find out if your esophagus is really problematic or if the duodenum is on the fritz. After all, I did give you a hosing too. We'll call it Titancare, with no deductible."

Saturday, October 02, 2010

"Rah Man with Boo Boob"

"I guess today we were: too old, too slow and too beatable."

Too Big, Too Fast, Too Good

"Titan, one question, and one question only. Who's your Daddy?

Big Daddy

"Titan, you were crushed like a no deposit beer can" said a smiling Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz as the group gathered at net. In a little more than one hour TennisTitan and Derek the 'Rah Man' Rahman were used and abused on court two at Kinsley. Dave ' Big Daddy' Lipscomb and the 'Rah Man' had worked out some off their pent up aggression against each other in singles before beckoning onto their court 'Gimpy Knees' and a late arriving 'boated blowhard.' There was no cheering for the TT/'Rah Man' tandem but plenty of sneering and jeering as they were man handled (3-6, 2-6) by 'Big Daddy' and 'GK' with very little effort. Senor Cruz wisely observed, "I lucked out coming on the court after you Titan. You went to the other side to play with 'Rah' and I got some needed siesta time as 'Big Daddy's partner. 'GK' further observed, "Titan as a kid I bet your were never disciplined by your parents. You were one of those goody two shoes who never got in trouble." "Well?" responded the 'blogging bullshitter.' "Today you were smacked by a 'mamacita Puerto Rican' and spanked by 'your daddy.' Joe, when I was a kid "Big Daddy," Gene Lipscomb was a great football player who died too young. This 'Big Daddy' put me to death too quickly on the court this morning."