Monday, November 14, 2011

"No Place Like Home"

"Hey, they accused me of being a 'walker' on the court before the operation. I'll have new 'wheels' in he spring. Maybe I'll become the TennisTrotter."

"Bionic Blowhard"

"The Doc had a great slice serve!"

The 'Dirty' Pool

"And he thinks he's happy that he's going home" nurse Margie was telling her relief, nurse Kimmy as the gurney was wheeled to the elevator by the ambulance team. The Patient Care Assistants in attendance were high fiving one another as they began to check the unit stat board on the 7th floor of the Hospital for Special Surgery, to see who had won their informal pool. "I administered the most" declared the Chinese born Noy who notched four. "But mine lasted the longest and he never made it to the bathroom" insisted the Tibetan, Nyima, who settled for three commode opportunities in Titan's 11 day hospitalization. Big, burly Sean, who could have been a nose tackle at Penn State, quipped, "but my three generated the greatest volume and I work third shift. What fun! I wake him up. He thinks he's to get pain killers, instead he gets another type of pain." The Ukrainian head nurse, Katya asked, "Titan who should get your "Asshole Artist Award?" Tell us before you go. We won't see your sad, sorry, albeit sore butt again" "Sorry guys," retorted Titan, "you're all great, but anesthetist nurse, Joyce in I.C.U. takes homes the bronze bedpan. She administered that noxious enematic Neostigmine two days ago downstairs. She brought me back from a cold, clammy, white tunnel when my heart beat dropped from 72 bpm to 30bpm in 90 seconds with a quick injection of Atropine. Can't help but love a girl who monitors a guy's heart. The staff here are all winners." Vladimir, the discharge nurse, turned to Dr.Weinberg, resident gastroenterologist, and bemoaned "Damn, I forgot to note persistent diarrhea of the mouth on Titan's plan."

Friday, November 04, 2011

Dr. Friedrich "Fritz" Boettner

 "The TennisTitan could be my greatest challenge. Listening to him prattle on as the anesthesia takes hold will surely tax my concentration. Does he really think I believe 'Becker and Graf winning Wimbledon in '89 was the happiest day in his life?"

Surgical Challenge

"Ich liebe mein chirurg!" says the Titan

"This man has to be kidding, surgical team. I simply told him that by giving him two total knee replacements that he would gain one-quarter to a half inch in height. How does he now conclude that he will gain stature on the court among his friends? That only comes with effective play and it remains to be seen if he will run for the ball come spring. No way that I can improve that erratic first serve or those bricks he volleys. I do not do miracles, only precise reconstructions of knees. Ja, the TennisTitan is a dummkopf."