Monday, September 28, 2009

Bang, Bang. Your're Dead! (again)

"Titan, think of it this way. These are my Six-Shooters. Six bullets in each, enough for six games per set."

Pinata Time

"I guess I just like to get blogged. It can't be the competition" joked 'Santa Ana' as the rain began to fall. Stuart Gourd surprised the TennisTitan with a call this morning to reprise their duel in the sun. The outcome was another two set rout (1-6, 3-6) of the 'inveterate idiot' at Northwest Park under mostly cloudy skies in humid conditions. The 'pedantic prevaricator' acquitted himself reasonably well getting the majority of games to deuce or better but was worn down by the relentless hustle of his 'athletic adversary.' TT may have gained more than he lost with his 90 minute double defeat had not the skies opened up. The 'engaging egotist' had cajoled two fellow sixty somethings playing singles on an adjacent court to engage in a set of doubles against the 'bombastic blowhard' and the 'hyperactive hippy-attorney' that was washed out in the first game by the sudden shower. The departing Cliff and Eddie told the 'whoring tennis-hooter' "we generally play at Northwest every morning... drop by if you'd like." The "pumpkin plunderer" smiled wryly at the two older gentlemen and said, "you don't know what you're letting yourselves in for." "Titan, adios until your next visit."

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Texas Justice

"Titan, next time I take the scalp too."

Who'd ja think won?

New Strategy?!

"Maybe, if I cut off his hair..."

A Texas Turkey

"Titan, that little game of yours has no place in a big state like Texas. You can get away with patty cake tennis at Kinsley but down here you got to cowboy up" crowed Stuart 'Santa Ana' Gourd at the completion of play at Northwest Park in Austin this date. "Put it this way (sic) pahdner: you're like a bronc that's been broken long ago and now's only fit to be ridden by little old ladies lookin' for that one last thrill" cracked the 'amiable attorney' after his (3-6, 1-6) whipping of the 'desultory dilettante' who wandered into his line of fire. "You thought you got the drop on me calling me at the last minute for a game. You thought you could drop and then lob me to a victory. Think again! You dropped in the 92 degree heat." Indeed, TennisTitan was competitive for half a set (3-3) before the wheels came off and he dropped nine of the last ten games. "Titan, best you hook up with those 'dilly Dell' boys if you're looking for a victory in Texas. Their stock is down, just like yours. Consider yourself lucky. You saw the 'King,' George Strait, Friday night, you met your 'King' this afternoon!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Texas Tour

TennisTitan will be in the Lone Star State from the 24th through October 1st. He is expecting to engage Russell 'Hoya Saxa' Briscoe and Stuart 'Santa Ana' Gourd, plus other unsuspecting innocents wandering the tennis courts of Austin or purveying sales at Dell. George Strait concert, Longhorn Football, and Texas Stars Hockey will likely serve as TT's victories. Look for the Titan back on the Kinsley concrete Saturday 10/3 before he embarks on the annual October Florida Tour on October 5th. Keep watching for further posts.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Super Duper!?!

"You wanna see tired? THIS is tired"

"Have I Been Duped?"

"But he's never too tired to eat, especially when I'm paying."

Getting It Done

'Prez, I am always sincere, even if I don't mean it" chided the 'bloated behemoth' to a crestfallen Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso at the end of their two set donnybrook at Law Memorial park in Briarcliff Manor NY. 'Prez' had built his hopes up that, off last week's trouncing of the TennisTitan on these same courts, that it would be the 'penurious penny pincher' who would have to reach for his American Express card to pay for this afternoon's post match lunch at Squires. "You son-of-obama, you set me up. Just like Obama did to the American taxpayer. Last week you didn't run for anything; today you chase down every ball in our extended rallies." Indeed, TT's motivation was higher than his energy level. The 'chirping cheapskate' never wants to go into his back pocket. Titan eked out a (7-6 [6]) first set victory denying 'Prez' three (3) set points in the process. TT was serving to level the match each of his service games after his 3-1 lead became a 3-4 deficit. The 'boisterous blowhard' came up with the goods time and time again at crunch time. "Prez,' you out played me in the first set" is what elicited the raucous cry from the retired, now svelte, health teacher. "And what about the second set?"and incredulous, apoplectic, enervated educator moaned over his shrimp salad at Squires. Titan paused to reflect as he engorged himself over with his reuben while savoring a Bud Light. "Beating you (6-2) in that second set was akin to what's in store in the midterm elections for that leftist, reactionary who sits in the Oval Office. I beguiled you on the court with my spin, just like he did with his rhetoric to the electorate."

Saturday, September 19, 2009

He's got stubble. Mine's white and fluffy.

'The 'Kraut' and I were unstoppable today...then he dumped me, and beat me."

'Chemist' - blew up the lab in the end!

He spoiled what would've been the 'perfect morning.'


'Titan, may we be excused now that we've boosted your confidence?"

Periodic Chart: It's ELEMENTary

"Titan, I guess I just ran out of butane" apologized the Bunsen Burner man - George 'Chemist' Hauss. 'Chemist' had paired with the 'loathsome loudmouth' in TT's third and fourth sets and was unable to lift the 'garrulous giant' to his fourth victory of the day. Indeed, the Master of the Slice/Sidespin/Backspin serve had an eratic day on the Kinsley concrete. The wind appeared to play havoc with the 'Chemist's serve and return calculations more than any of the other contestants. Titan had carried the load in their (6-1) crushing of Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser in the penultimate set of the morning. The 'pedantic prevaricator'/'Chemist' fell in the finale (4-6) to the tandem of 'Kraut'/Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz primarily because Bunsen Burner flamed out. TennisTitan had opened the day as 'Kraut's partner and could do no wrong. TT contributed mightily in their two set blitzkrieg of George 'Teacher' Febles/Mike 'not so stellar' Stella (6-0) which preceded the (6-2) scorching of 'Chemist'/'Pistol.' As the teams met at net to bid farewell Titan was perplexed that the seemingly remorseful 'Chemist' referred to the 'bloated behemoth' as the "Xenon of Argon" after his self-effacing butane remark. 'Pistol,' with his degree in pharmacology, fired his only ace of the day, when he enlightened the gaped-mouth 'bitching bullshitter,' "Titan, it's clear. George recognizes you for what you are on the court: an INERT GAS-bag!"

Thursday, September 17, 2009

"He's our guy!"

"Thanks to all our friends for coming out for this special occasion."

'Kinsley Kang' (sic) "Gang"

"We had a helluva good time."

Carl is a STAR

Special thanks to 'Speedy Legs'

Happy Birthday Al

Modern Day Sunshine Boys

"You've got a better chance against 'Dom and Vinnie' than against us."

Let's Eat!

'We're all September Birthday Boys.'

Prelude to a Celebration

"Titan, you cannot blame me for your failures this time" opined Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev at the end of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center this day. Vlad had teamed with the 'immobile minotaur' for two sets against 'Big Al' DioDati and Max 'Tutor' Tuchman. I read your blog from Tuesday and if you cannot beat 'Prez' how can you expect me to do enough for you to win against two opponents who know what they are doing on the court? 'Russkie' was firing Soyuz rockets both on and off the court in the (2-6, 3-6, 2-2 partial) shellacking administered by the September Birthday Boys, Max and Al. For his part TT came away more satisfied with his play compared to the feeble attempt at mediocrity demonstrated against 'Prezidente' (see Sept. 15th entry). The 'bombastic blowhard' brought some occasional pop to his serve and moved without pain (albeit slowly) to the ball. The 'Dacha Doctor' has stone hands at net and reacts hesitatingly to any ball not hit into his strike zone. "But at least I attempt to get to the net to get a short ball" critiqued the literary giant. "It is you, Titan, who is on a five year plan like my old government in playing points." As the teammates bickered at net 'Tutor' came up with a reasonable solution. "There is only one doubles team you two have a chance of beating today: Dom and Vinnie. Let's find them, maybe they'll serve - I hope it's dinner! "

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

'No Complaints on this side of the net"

"I get more of a challenge trap shooting, Titan. You were just another bird I shot on clay!"

Shame is a powerful emotion.

"I can't believe this. Am I at the end of the line."

Despair is the Worst!

"Titan, the way your balls were flying wide today, you might miss that one too."

My Delpotro Moment

"I'll tell you this Prez, my pride hurts a damn lot more than my back at this time" a sullen TennisTitan whimpered as he sat on the bench at the Law Clay Tennis Courts in Briarcliff Manor this afternoon. TT had just endured the ignominy of a double defeat to Rich 'Prezidente' Presioso. Your 'bloated behemoth' was determined to test out his aching back and suffered devastating loses to an opponent that he seldom had difficulty dominating. Titan could generate no power on his serve or groundies. Every step toward the ball was accompanied by a stiletto to the sacroiliac. 'Prez' showed an uncanny ability to get balls back in play that heretofore were unplayable. "Titan, I not only shed thirty (30) pounds from my svelte frame this summer, but with today's (4-6, 3-6) whipping of your lard ass, I figured I just got another, what, 230 pounds of 'heaping hubris' off my back. Next time you deign to travel to northern Westchester be prepared to run and hit a second shot." As 'Prez' sped off in his 45K Mercedes convertible he shouted to the forlorn figure lumbering lethargically toward his used Hyundai, he fired his only ace of the day, "Every other time you show up, you beat me, and I wind up paying for lunch at Squires. Today I made you my squire and I ate your lunch!"

Thursday, September 10, 2009

"73" - "80" - "65"

"Titan, we're all celebrating our birthdays in the next four days. Beating you was like 'blowing out the candle' - you know, it's everyones' wish."

Achey, Breaky,(we're) Back

"Back, knees, hips - with you Titan, it's always one thing or another - but for my money you're always one big pain in the ass!" So commented Max 'Tutor' Tuchman at the conclusion of the third set at the Yonkers Tennis Center. 'Tutor' was feeling his oats having just tasted victory as Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully's partner in their (1-6) thrashing of TT and 'Big Al' DioDati. Max had been on the short end when he paired with the 'bombastic blowhard' in set one and suffered the humiliation of a '20 minute bagel (0-6). 'Big Al' put it in perspective perfectly when he carped, "Don't be taking any credit for that middle set bone we threw you TT when we insisted you be 'EBL's partner. Winning (6-2) is like a loss for you because Max and I got two games watching you piddle paddle across the baseline with your panties bunched in your crack." Indeed, the 'immobile minotaur' got pummeled on and off the court. His court coverage was reduced to spectator status as duly noted by club pro Simon offering to place a chair at the service line for the 'bloated behemoth 'and his cutting remark to the charges in his care: "Kids, this is why we do calisthenics as part of our warm up. That old guy over there. His warm up is opening a can of tennis balls and taking his sweats off. Then he never shuts up. His one-liners are flat and ineffective, just like his groundies. His serve wouldn't break a pane of glass - yes he's one royal pain in the ass!"

Saturday, September 05, 2009

"TT, have you heard...

he who laughs last, laughs best." That's us!

We made our bed, now LIE in (about) it!

"Now why don't you go home and make the beds."


"Is that a word? I think it's all hooey."


"Even I can't take my bullshit sometimes"

Peck, peck, peck, peck

'Slats' stated "I guess that is why Titan calls him 'Speedy Legs' as Carl Gessman hastened to the exit at Kinsley this morning, "I can relate to that." Actually 'SL' departed figuratively 20 minutes before when his game left the Titan partnerless in their second set match against George 'Chemist' Hauss and Frank 'Slats' Slattery. TT/'SL' were up three-love when the tide turned. It was again hastened in by the inexplicable departure of a once reliable Gessman serve as undoubtedly a mother-in-law chauffeur obligation beclouded his on-court responsibilities. Making the matters worse was a botched line call made by an out-of-position 'Chemist looking through his partner's moving feet from 9 yards away. "You can't be serious" yelled the 'bellyaching blowhard' in his best John McEnroe voice from his position looking right down the line at the hapless 'Slats' unable to play the ball. The discombobulated unemployed graphic artist proceeded to fall apart but did not lose his sense of perspective. "Titan, you and I defeated 'Big Al' Diodati and Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz (6-4) in the opener, 'GK' will fill in for me at four all and carry the 'bloated behemoth' to victory too." Not to be. The 'whining wimp'/'GK' lost two hard fought games (4-6) to end TT's morning with a split. As the bedraggled 'SL' left skid marks on Morsemere Avenue he yelled to the 'snivelling snot,' "Blowhard, you can carry (rip) me on the court all you want, but Donna brings home the paycheck. Girls rule. You're a fool!" (so this is news?!)

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Geritol Twins?

"Maybe drugs are the answer."

Giddy in Victory

"Prosac here has an 'NY' on his hat. I think it means 'neurotic yokel' but he can play tennis, that's for sure.

Controlled Substance?

"Titan, what drugs are you on?" queried an incredulous 'Prosac Kid' at the end of the 70 minute free-for-all of a set at Kinsley this evening. TT and Chris the 'Prosac Kid' played inspired tennis to defeat the tandem of Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman and George 'Chemist' Hauss (7-5). 'Prosac' put the burden squarely on the 'boisterous blowhard's shoulders during warm up when he announced "I'm on quite a winning streak...haven't lost a set in two weeks and have won 15 of the last 17 I've played in, Titan." "Duh, Prosac, are you sure you want to play with me" rejoined the 'bloated behemoth.' Racing off to a three games to love lead the unlikely duo appeared to have things well in hand. A scant 25 minutes later the 'Yonkers Yakker's service was broken after failing on four ad-in opportunities leaving the lads facing a 3-4 deficit. TT/'Prosac' immediately broke back and then forged a 5-4 lead on the savvy play of the 'pedantic prevaricator' and the resilient returns of the 'sedated sensation.' That advantage was short-lived as the ubiquitous 'Chemist'/unrelenting 'SL' continued their mastery on each and every point that went 10 or more balls knotting the contest again. However, your 'egotistical egoist' delivered the goods at love in the critical eleventh game on his service to put the pressure on 'Chemist's serve. A gleeful 'tranquil treasure' and an 'exhausted egghead' were all smiles at net feigning consolation as the 'Chemist' return went wide bringing this grueling affair to a happy ending. A grinning Titan turned to his spacey partner and said, "Pros, to answer your question, after we lost that three game lead, I decided to take one important tablet and it did the trick." 'Chemist' quipped, "An amphetamine?" 'Speedy Legs' chimed in "Steroids?" "Nope" retorted Titan, "it works all the time for me...Fuckitol! It let's me go for broke on every shot."

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

"All Aboard!"

"The perfect hat for 'Not ESPN' who CONDUCTED himself very well on court today."

(new) Footnote

"Hey 'Chemist' next time hold the camera still and don't be laughing at my antics."

Exceptions to Every Rule

"Titan, make sure the blog reports that my serve was much improved tonight. And that it was the 'Chemist' throwing in those free points today" avered Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman as darkness fell over Kinsley. 'SL' had wandered by the tennis courts and stepped in ably to give the Titan, George 'Chemist' Hauss and Stuart 'not ESPN' Scott the opportunity to play a (near complete) second set. The 'boisterous blowhard' had paired with 'not ESPN' in the opener against the tandem of 'Chemist' and Chris the 'Prosac Kid.' TT/not ESPN succumbed in the tie breaker (6-7 [2]). A strong effort by 'not ESPN' made this set surprisingly very competitive. 'Not ESPN's problems reacting at net were nicely surmounted by his crisp ground strokes from the baseline, effective lobbing, and 'generous George' throwing in a slew of doubles and often shanking his slice return. Stu continued to shine in the truncated no-ad 2nd set when he paired with the 'Chemist' against 'SL'/TT. As the teams packed up their bags 'Chemist' reminded all, "Now, 'blogging bullshitter,' remember your rule: You only blog full sets." "Yeah, interjected 'Not ESPN,' tell the literati that 'I had my 'A' game,' but don't mention that the Titan/'SL' team squeaked out a tie breaking eleventh game to take the nightcap (6-5 [2]). 'Speedy Legs' dead panned, "Titan, wouldn't do that guys. TT always says 'he never misses a line call.' And we believe him on those, don't we boys!? FOOTNOTE: Darkness won the last set.