Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Overdrawn Credit

"Joe, you understand now, don't you. I gotta take credit for your victory over these fellow tennis ho's."

Always Good for a Laugh

"Patsy, can I come home now? I think I have been humiliated enough here."

Shock 'n Awe

"Titan, we were indeed shocked by your level of play, and as always, in awe of your ability to take all the credit in the blog."

A Resurgence

TennisTitan broke out of his recent slump 'big time' this afternoon at Andrus Park in Yonkers, NY. The 'boisterous buffoon' joined mates George 'Deli man' Hauss, Frank 'Slats' Slattery and Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz for three sets of high caliber play. Titan paired with the 'Deli man' in the opening (3-6) set loss and more than held his own in attempting to fend off the baseline power and finesse at net that 'Gimpy Knees' provided throughout the entire two and half hour session. Teaming with 'GK' in the second and third sets against the 'Slats'/'Deli man' tandem the 'egotistical idiot' provided ample support to enable 'GK' to sweep (6-3, 6-4) all his opponents this day. Titan did not have pop on his serve but for once had a semblance of a net game and well placed ground strokes. TT's baseline power and accuracy gave his opponents fits at net, blasting away at an overwhelmed 'coddling counselor' and often handcuffing the 'Deli man'. A bemused 'Slats' and a confused 'Deli man' acknowledged that defeating 'Gimpy Knees' is always difficult regardless of who his partner is, but it is near impossible when Titan fails to cooperate and make more unforced errors than they do.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Marone-ah Mia

"He could not pull me through, I played so poorly."

"With me, all things are possible!"

"But I could and did."

The Victors

"Everything turned out A-OK for us."

Innocent Bystanders

"When 'Kraut' and 'Big Daddy' rally in our doubles match we are lucky we don't have to pay to watch."

Master of Disaster

"Lethargic Libertine! That's what you should call yourself" offered the 'testy Teuton. Bob 'Kraut' Kluge paired with TennisTitan in an unevenly played first set and managed to eke out a (6-4) triumph despite the desultory, ineffective play of the 'bloated behemoth' beside him.The set contained marvelous rallies displayed between 'Big Daddy' Dave Lipscomb and 'Der Klugemeister' who exchanged powerful groundies from the baseline.  In stark contrast were the error laden balls misplayed by the Titan and the equally inept 'Rockin' Rick Ricci. After the set the 'Kraut' relinquished his spot to Jim 'Leaping Lefty' Marone making a rare appearance at Kinsley. 'Kraut' claimed fatigue from a a cold but it was clear to the onlookers that he had a serious case of 'titanitis' which demanded rest. TT and the 'Leaping Lefty' dropped the ensuing set (4-6) to George 'Deli man' Hauss and 'RRR.'  The 'Rock' reminded Titan and picture time that 'sometimes it's time to quit when you can't play to even your low standards."

Thursday, April 17, 2014

We Passover-ed You

"Our smiles tells it all."

The Ritual

"You can do this, Titan. It doesn't taste like gefilte fish."

Maven of Mayhem

"Try as he might, TennisTitan will never be a Jew if he only wants to eat knishes."

The new Old Testament

"Titan, I felt I was wandering in a desert for 40 years prior to our (6-1) victory in the final set" exclaimed Max 'Tutor' Tuchman at the conclusion of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center. "Max, today was a day like no other for the TennisTitan. I had an unleavened serve, dead legs and an ineffective forehand against Stuart 'not Espn' Scott and Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. We were so badly outplayed (3-6, 2-6) in the first two sets that I felt I was at my own Bris."  Max replied, "TennisTitan, this was no seder, even if you had matzah during a change over. I am no mohel but I do note your last name bears a certain irony to our painful afternoon together. We were slaves to the precise serves of 'Russkie' and the dominance at net of 'not Espn' as surely as my ancestors were slaves to the Pharaoh" continued the 'maven of mayhem.' It should not be forgotten by the readers of your blog that our Exodus this afternoon, even after so pitiful a performance on our part, is on a winning note.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Proof of the Ravages of Time

Field Day April 1964

"Yeah, that's the Titan out in front."

Notice that we're still wearing white

Fifty years ago we competed against each other in the Field Day held for the senior class at Manhattan Prep... today we feel like Seniors and we had a 'field day' in that last set

"Titan, I can lose with the best of them."

"You know that when us Italians entered World War II on the side of the Germans in 1940, we helped you Americans win that then too."

Field Day 2014

TennisTitan continued on his roll this morning at Kinsley Park. Taking on the formidable pair of Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and 'Rockin' Rick Ricci the 'bloated behemoth,' with George 'Deli Man' Hauss providing ample support, erased a 2-4 deficit in the opening set to capture a (6-4) victory. Titan had pop on his serve and mastery of his ground strokes from the baseline, surprising 'Der Klugemeister' with nonreturnable serves, extended rallies and overpowering a defenseless 'RRR' at net. 'Happy Jack' Carey and Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak succumbed to a similar fusillade of precise power and surgical strikes from the baseline (6-2) in set two. However,the coup d' gras was the third set when Jasper classmates of 50 years ago, Gerchak/Briscoe, united for a stirring (6-4) triumph over the out dueled, out hustled tandem of 'Rockin' Rick and the 'Deli Man.' As the crew met at net for post match handshakes the Jaspers reminisced about that fateful day five decades ago. An irritated 'Rockin' Rick who had been abused terribly this week by the Titan scored big time with this observation: "I bet one of you had hair on his head in those days and one of you didn't have hair on your face. And you had to have been better looking then too."

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Doing a little tutoring myself

Max drove all the way home from Boynton Beach this week to play with the Titan. I didn't want to disappoint him now, did I?

Potent Pair

"Titan, we gave it our all but just came up a little short."

Return of the Jedi

"We were like Peaches and Herb" was TennisTitan's deadpan response to Max 'Tutor' Tuchman's innocuous comment.  TT/'Tutor' successfully paired for (6-4, 6-4) victories against the resilient duo of Stuart 'not Espn' Scott and Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak. TT/'Tutor' got off to slow starts in both sets but managed to come through as winners through a combination of guile and grit. The 'pusillanimous prevaricator' had pop on his serve at crunch time in both sets and the 'maven of mayhem' was adroit with his volleys and half volleys from the baseline. As the tandems met at net for the obligatory pictures and 'Briscoe banalities' Max wondered aloud as to how he and the Titan meshed so well together after not having played as partners in nearly one year. Titan broke into a chorus of the one-hit-wonder husband wife team from the spring of '79, Peaches and Herb .... 'Reunited and it Feels So Good.'  The 'dozin' docent' remarked, "Tom, you should call yourself TennisTritan because all your remarks are 'trite' at best!

Monday, April 07, 2014

From Start to Finish


"The streak is intact. He had me 1-3, 40-love in the 3rd set and things were looking bleak but..."

Stretching the truth

"I can't believe it, Titan. You did it to me again. A clean sweep (2-2-3). I am ready to burn my USTA card" frumped 'Rockin' Rick Ricci. "I've been trying to win a set from you in singles the past ten years and just can't seem to do it." "Rick, you are in very select company" responded the Titan. "You mean the guys at Kinsley and at the Yonkers Tennis Center who tolerate your bullshit and agree to play singles against an opponent who talks incessantly during the match" retorted 'RRR.' "No, guys who've never beaten me, but won't even call me for a match anymore." "Your a charter member for sure, Ricky, but you haven't given up hope. You called me for this match." My buddy in Tarpon, George 'Genealogist' Pratt has eight years of frustration under his belt; you'd come in second place with a 'decade of destruction' offered the 'bloviating blowhard.' "You mean there is a bigger patsy than me out there in your blogosphere" responded the 'incredulous Italian.' "Rick, he's another paesano. That's why I call him 'El Prezidente' in the blog. Rich 'Prez' Prezioso has been playing me since '92 back in our Lincoln HS days. He's 0 for two decades. I think he lost my phone number in '11."

Saturday, April 05, 2014

The Hauss is on Fire!

"The Deli Man is deadly with his slice on windy days."

Dave the Rave exits left.

'Titan, my partner doesn't want his picture taken for the blog. Who can blame him?"

'Rockin' Rick in a rare moment of silence.

"Rick, a big smile, no one will know we blew a 4-2 lead."

Two Too Many Ricks

"You almost blew that lead too, Titan. It would have been a Ricochet Romance, ala Teresa Brewer, 1955."

Let it Begin

Titan had declared the first Saturday in April the official opening of the 2014 outdoor season at Kinsley while luxuriating on the beach at Fred Howard Park in Tarpon Springs last week. So, he with six other stalwart Kinsleyites rolled the court dry this morning and engaged in three spirited sets of doubles in windy Yonkers.
Fittingly 'Rockin' Rick Ricci drew TennisTitan as his partner against 'Dave the Rave' and Frank 'Slats' Slattery. 'RRR'/TT squandered a 4-2 lead as they were outlasted (4-6) on the long points by their more fleet afoot opposition. 'Happy Jack' Carey and George 'Deli Man' Hauss also succumbed  (2-6) to that same pairing.The 'bloated blowhard's morning was salvaged when Titan and the 'Deli Man' held on for a (7-5) triumph over Rick 'dozin' docent Gerchak and Rockin' Rick.

Thursday, April 03, 2014

Final Jeopardy

"Today's category is 'Slattery.' And the final jeopardy answer is: 'Billy Slattery.' The Question please..."

The King and the Tsar

"Titan, you just barely managed to hang on against us. Treat us royally in the blog."

Is this Reparations?

"Titan, I don't care about the shots 'not ESPN' takes. I just like the calls he makes against you."

Where is the love?

'Slats' thinks I left my game in Florida. I told him it was not in the cards today to win that third set."

The Heart of the Matter

"It's all about heart" is what I said responded Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "Frankie, three sets is tough on the Titan" interjected Stuart 'not ESPN' Scott at picture time. "No Stu, what was tough on the Titan was that back breaking call you made in the ninth game of the third set that cost me a chance at a sweep (7-6 [4], 6-1, 4-6). Your partner, 'King Gene' swallowed the whistle as usual and made no call knowing that you were contorted into a knot trying to hit a shot over your left shoulder that clearly caught the line. "Titan, I crushed my cousin Frank for you in the second set. Show me some respect. Don't be a bitter old man. You should be used to losing by now" continued my Liege. "But I was going to 'shoot the moon' with that third set win lamented the 'lame libertine.' 'Not ESPN' jumped in quickly, "now don't be calling me the Queen of Spades" interjected Stuart. I am a proud heterosexual after all. "So who is the best HEARTS PLAYER in the Slattery clan" queried Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. "I think it is my uncle Bill" opined the 'coddling counselor.' "Let's give it to Billy Slattery" added Gene. He is the true "King" in the family. He reads this inane blog, at least.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

"Just happen to be in the neighborhood."

"I'm on vacation. But anytime I play the TennisTitan 'it is a vacation of sorts.'

Craig Park on Spring Bayou in Tarpon Springs

"I try and be a good host, provide a scenic venue and look how he treats me."

'Child's Play for Me'

"It's fitting that I play Titan near a playground, don't you think?"

Different State, Same Result

Der Klugemeister visited the area and contacted the TennisTitan for a game. Bob 'Kraut' Kluge is too much for the 'loathsome loudmouth' in singles, even with the beautiful distraction of TT's local public park in play. Titan gamely fought to (3-6, 1-6) decisions against the superbly conditioned athlete. Titan did win the lunch that ensued, nipping the Testy Teuton 2 gyros to 1 in the Greek community of Tarpon Springs, Fl.

Thursday, January 30, 2014


"Big Tully could have used Little Tully's legs today."

Red Square?

"I don't give style points for his outfit. But he played very well leading us to victory."

Bad Day at the Office?

"Al, let's be gracious. His keyboard is mightier than his serve."

The Rushing Russian

"Titan, I asked if you will watch the games at Sochi in Florida, not do you eat sushi" corrected a euphoric Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. "Your hearing is worse than your volleying" continued the 'victorious Vladimir.'"Rarely do I taste the sweet nectar of victory when I play with someone other than Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully, so today I bask in an unexpected outcome.To win with you TT against these two reminds me of the shock of the Miracle on Ice in the motherland." Indeed, TennisTitan and the 'rejuvenated Russian' managed a (6-4) triumph against 'Big Al' Diodati and 'EBL.' The tandem was a break up (4-3 partial) in the second set when time expired. Titan lauded the play of his usually moribund partner who showed hustle to the ball, pop and placement on his serve, and more control than usual on his oft erratic backhand. 'Big Al' put it in perspective at picture time noting that this outing was his first since returning from the outdoor courts at Pompano Beach, and that for today at least, 'EBL' stood for 'eviscerated, broken, limping' wheels accounting for the 'Tullyville trolley's inability to chase down balls that usually come back as winners.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

My Welcome Home Committee

"Good tennis players, better men, yield the best of times as we age."

Happy Birthday 'Rockin' Rick

"Rock, your play continues to inspire me. Your partner, Steve Goldberg D.D.S. now knows losing to me is worse than a root canal."

The 'Deli Man" and me

"George has a way of bringing out the best in me sometimes. I think it's because he knows more about my limitations than I do."

Rise and Shine?

"Titan, what the fuck" was all 'Rockin' Rick Ricci could say at 7AM at the Yonkers Tennis Center this snowy morning as Titan entered the locker room. 'Rock, I'm desperate. There's no chance of outdoor play with the snow cover here in Yonkers and temperatures always below 20. So I got up at 5AM first to shovel, then to get a couple of early bird sets in and wish you a happy birthday to boot." Aches and pains be damned, TennisTitan paired with the reliable George the new 'Deli man' Hauss in two hard fought sets against the inestimable 'RRR' and Dr.Steve 'DDS' Goldberg. After 90 minutes of play that foursome had split both sets (4-6, 6-4). A rusty 'odious oaf' and an over worked 'deli man' salvaged their morning by running the table in the second set after being down 1-4 to end the match on a high note. At picture time 'RRR' wondered if TT would note that the tandem of 'Rock'/Deli man had run roughshod over the Titan and Hannibal "Caballero' Mistorini (0-5 partial) before time expired. "Absolutely not 'Rock!' You know the blog rule: no incomplete sets are worthy of mention" countered the 'peripatetic prevaricator.' "How do you know Steve is a Doctor of Dental Surgery queried the 'Caballero.' "I don't" responded the 'bloviating bullshitter.' "But that lefty's got a Damned Deceptive Serve!"

Monday, December 02, 2013

"Is it too much to ask?"

"He does everything else for me, why won't he do this?"

Surgical Team

"Titan, the only thing I know about a colon is that it is an underused  punctuation mark. But I do know how to humiliate you on the court."

Figuratively Speaking

"Titan, Richie and I were just doing our part to get you properly prepared" grinned Gene 'King' Slattery at the conclusion of his three set sweep this afternoon at Kinsley Park. TennisTitan and regular doubles mate Frank 'Slats' Slattery were out gunned  (2-6, 3-6, 4-6) by 'King' and Rich 'Royal Crown' Condon. "Frankie had to do more running for you today than usual" observed the 'man who reminds all 'my name ends in an 'n,' not 'm.' But he can't help you tonight 'laxative lackey,' you're on your own." "Frankie, I can't even say 'we were hosed' by bad calls" continued TennisTitan. "We just got the 'shit kicked out of us.' The man known as 'My Liege' remarked, "Oh, you'll be hosed tomorrow on that cold steel table.You'll wish it was by a tennis racket." "Not to worry'" 'soothed the 'coddling counselor,' you shouldn't have much trouble with the procedure...after all, you are the biggest asshole in the group."

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Hearty Hooples

These fellas may be 'taunted' (by me) but they are also 'undaunted' by the weather."

"We start at 9:30 boys."

"You guys show up after 10 o'clock and it's a balmy 28 degrees.It's fitting that you lost a set together (6-4) to 'Slats'/'deli man'."

"But George. 'How does it feel?"

"Titan, I like that you use my oft heard quote in the title of the blog today. Can't you think of something original?"

"It's fun mornings like this that I'll miss so much when I am on the beach in Florida next month."

"Is it always this easy" ob cit: 'Happy JacK'

"Today was really my feast" quipped an 'exuberant egotist' as he reached for his camera. "Titan, you've got much to be thankful for, but your tennis skills should not be on the list" opined 'Big Al' Diodati. "It probably should be your choice in partners" smiled George 'deli man' Hauss who led TennisTitan to impressive bookend victories (6-2, 6-2) against the chastened 'Italian Stallion' who had paired with Frank 'Slats' Slattery and then with Carl the 'anonymous Gas Man.' "And what of my third set triumph then?" deli man,' countered the 'blatant blasphemer.' I took the 'coddling counselor' under my wing, and lo and behold, 'Slats' had a win. Need I remind you former 'Chemist,' that I doused your Bunsen flame (6-4) to complete my sumptuous meal against all who opposed me this frigid morning at Kinsley Park. 'Happy Jack' Carey, victimized along with the 'haughty Hauss,' summarized it best as he dragged on his cigarette, "Titan, we all knew that your 'bloviating hot air babbling' during the sets would more than offset the 25 degrees temperature this morning."

Saturday, November 23, 2013

"We tossed your salad."

"This was the best ante pasta to the wonderful meal we will celebrate with our families. I go nuts when I beat you."

"Easy as Apple Pie"

"Titan, just say 'I set the table. The 'Kraut' served as well as always."

The Invited Guest - not!

"This German friend said. 'he tried to duck me as his partner, but soon came to realize his 'goose was cooked.'

Basted, then Roasted

"Why don't you just declare this 'Your Turkey Day' cackled 'Big Al' Diodati as he happily smiled next to Bob 'Kraut' Kluge as they reflected on their (3-6) opening set victory over TennisTitan and 'Rockin' Rick Ricci. "You see 'odious oaf.' I can and do win when I pair with a complete player. And his name doesn't have to be the Tullyville Trolley, just not the 'braggadocios blogger" continued the 'Italian Stallion. 'Der Klugemeister' continued, "I might have had some concern in the second set when Rick wised up and chose to play with me when you drafted fellow Deutschlander 'Carl the Anonymous Gas Man' to be your partner, but even he could not negate your ineptitude on this chilly, windy day at Kinsley Park. The (2-6) thumping was the gravy on this blustery day you got your just desserts, Titan." "Bobby, you were stuffing your power serve right down the tee. With Mr.Potato head as my partner, there was not much I could do,  We were mashed! 'I will turnip my nose and that cranberry soon enough. Let's get out of here before the turkey is cold," laughed the 'anonymous Gas Man.'