"Mein Freund, Herr Titan, I bid you 'Auf Wiedersehen " smirked Der Klugmeister, Indeed, Bob 'Kraut' Kluge put his stamp on today's small contingent of players at Kinsley Park this dreary morning. Thundershowers brought drenching rain to the area overnight but the rain had ceased by 9:15AM. Enter the Trio of Tennis Whores with brooms and rollers in hand. TennisTitan paired with 'Kraut' in an extremely high quality first set that saw a 0-4 deficit turn into a (7-5) victory over George 'Chemist' Hauss and Chris 'Prozac Kid' Tyrone. "Titan, you can describe your last play date in Yonkers for a month as half empty or half full" quipped the 'tempestuous Teuton' who with 'Prozac Kid' at his side prevailed in the second set (4-6) over the tandem of TT/'Chemist.' "Bobby, I can only describe this morning as 'fabulous fun.' It is why we all live for Saturday mornings now, just as we lived for the Saturday cartoons sixty years ago." "Prozac' remarked "Gees, I was watching Bullwinkle and Beanie this morning when Bob called me to round out the foursome."
"Maybe tomorrow you can celebrate, just not this morning" beamed the TennisTitan earlier today at the Yonkers Tennis Center. TT and George 'Chemist' Hauss had just come back to resoundingly defeat George 'Teacher' Febles and Jose 'Sidespin' Guzman (6-2), after having decidedly lost to the same pair (2-6). The rubber set ended on serve, (3-2 partial) as time expired. "You play an irritating brand of tennis" 'Sidespin' continued as the group gathered at net. "Is it my ability to make a spectacular shot after having flubbed an easy one? Or perhaps it is my penchant to effectively mix up my service pattern to keep you off balance on your return" prodded the 'braggadocios blowhard." "Que pasa, amigo? Are you kidding. It's your inane running commentary on every ball hit. Nothing to do with your tennis. You need Kaopectate for diarrhea of the mouth" countered the 'happy hispanic.' "He's much worse on Saturday mornings over at Kinsley. The neighbors changed the signs around the park to 'curb your mouth' and 'slow- loud children playing" added a 'flustered Febles' still smarting from the domination TT/''Sidespin' exhibited (6-1) in the opening set.
"Titan, I will always come back to haunt you -and I said 'haunt,' - not taunt, - that's your thing." "My racket does my talking on the court" Gene (ever the) 'King' Slattery chided the TennisTitan at the completion of play at Andrus Park this date. "My Liege, it's been two years since you graced a court that I stood on with your presence. You do me great honor" retorted the 'truculent taunter.' "Don't lay it on so thick" interjected Frank 'Slats' Slattery, "we only manged to take the middle set (6-2) against the 'King' and Rich 'Condor' Condon. "The (6-8, 3-6) losses that bookended our victory were credible performances, but losses nonetheless" cousin Frank assuaged the 'King.' "I know that 'Slats,' do you think I wanted to depose the 'King' by winning all three sets? Then I'd be King." "This ain't checkers, Titan. You can't even jump over the net" quipped the'Condor.' "Checkmate" said the 'King' smiling broadly.
"Frankie, but this was my last play date before the annual dinner at Dom and Vinnie's tomorrow. How could you let me down like this" lamented the 'bloviating bullshitter.' You know I need to make my 'bellicose bombast' during the meal, telling everyone how well I played" continued the "prevaricating provocateur.' "How's it going to look that the last blog I post I lose the first set (6-7 [4]) with you as my partner to Bob 'Kraut' Kluge, and of all people, George 'Teacher' Febles. "Titan, let that be my lesson to you" retorted, 'Teacher,' you left the door open when you got up 4-2 in games and eventually failed to close out the set on your service at 6-5. You have no one to blame but yourself you 'insipid idiot.' Titan responded. "Where have you been, my little 'jumping bean jalapeno amigo'? Mexico, Spain, Guatemala!? I thought you had spent your time teaching Spanish to little, rich, suburban, white boys, not lecturing 'loathsome libertines' like me" lambasted the 'noxious nincompoop.' "I can always blame someone else. 'Slats' is a Louvre Door; everyone breezes right through him! He can't stick a volley at net. He's made of cheap balsa wood and always seems to be satisfied only with getting the ball back. He never takes away his opponents time and space. He leaves me to try to win the point from the baseline." "Titan, you're being a little hard on your regular partner aren't you" continued 'Der Klugemeister.' After all Frank 'Slats' Slattery did contribute mightily to your (6-2, 4-2 partial) dismantling of 'Kraut'/'Teacher in subsequent sets.' To wit the TennisTitan smiled broadly and said, "Yeah, Bobby, maybe I'll still sit next to him at the restaurant so I can coach him."
"Rob, I can't help myself...let's play" opined the TennisTitan. Titan traveled to the lair of the 'Jersey Bomber' for a family visit this date and concluded a hellish period of four days of play in a five day period in a predictable manner, if something less than grand style. Tennis Titan once again failed to close out a set on his serve and went from 5-4 up to a (5-7) defeat. "Titan, I will spare you another second set defeat and call it quits in my own self interest" stated Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe. "What do you mean 'naughty nephew'? queried the 'unctuous uncle.' "Dinner's on you, ol' man."
"Titan, I am like a baseball player in a batting slump. My backhand has completely deserted me" lamented 'Rockin' Rick Ricci after play this Saturday morning. 'RRR,' teaming with TennisTitan had just experiences a 'double dip,' another two set loss. "Losing to "Big Al' Diodati (2-6) with George 'Chemist' Hauss in the opener was a real downer, 'insipid ingrate,' continued 'Rock' but at least we performed credibly in that second set (4-6) defeat at the hands of 'Dave the Rave' and Chris 'I Man' Ikhigbonoaremen. I mean we had them 4-4 (40-love) in that ninth game Titan before we let it get away." "Do you think we can call it a moral victory, Rick" queried the 'odious oaf.' "That'd be a stretch" 'bogus bullshitter' responded the 'aging artisan,' "because most of us really question whether you have any morals to begin with." "But there is a moral to the story, 'Rock.' "And what's that, Titan?" "When you play with a man whose last name is virtually unpronounceable because it has 6 syllables, you better expect to lose 6 games. He's my 'Nigerian Nightmare' for sure."
"All for naught" lamented the TennisTitan. "That's a real kick in the ass" added Max 'Tutor' Tuchman. 'Tutor' and TT had manged to get the opening set to four (4) games apiece against 'Big Al' Diodati and Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully before the trap door opened. The Titan had continued his strong play from Wednesday onto the indoor surface of the Yonkers Tennis Center but again came up a few games and fifteen minutes short of an upset. "A (4-6) defeat is something you should be proud about" snickered the 'Italian Stallion' at picture time. You often loose far more decisively to 'EBL' do you not?" "But Al" countered the 'bloated blowhard,' "our indoor season is near an end, and once again I have gone zero for the season against the Tullyville Trolley." "But you aced me three times and even got Bill once - you were incredible today." "What was incredible Al, was that the Titan thought he had a chance in the second set (2-4, partial) when I teamed with 'EBL' chuckled the 'meshuga maven.'
"Titan, I said that I'd buy lunch if we won two sets. Sorry 'ludicrous loud mouth', but you dropped the ball in the second set. So bring your wallet to the pizza joint" quipped Frank 'Slats' Slattery at Andrus park in Yonkers. "We had 'em 5-4 in that second set Frankie when you left the door open" retorted TennisTitan, not wishing to take any responsibility for a 15 minute glitch in an otherwise dominant performance. "I carried you in that first (6-2) set 'Slats' need I remind you. Who would've thought that 'Rockin' Rick Ricci would get his act together and be the difference maker." "Titan, you can't continue to be lucky against me. Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and my come from behind victory (5-7) over 'Slats'/'TT' will be more satisfying than a pepperoni pizza" quipped 'RRR.' "But 'Slats,' pleaded Titan, I had us up (4-1 partial) in the third set when 'Kraut' had to call it quits and go back to work." "I know, 'nettlesome knucklehead,' that's why I'm buying Bobby a wiener schnitzel on Saturday."
"The set was somewhat surprising as the 'Kraut' was broken twice early on and was down 4 games to 2 to the lesser conditioned player when things shifted dramatically. Bob 'Kraut' Kluge proceeded to turn his fortunes around and win the next ten games." "Wait a minute, TennisTitan, exclaimed Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "I can deal with this 'lesser conditioned player' nonsense. Bob did prevail (6-4) over me in the first set but there's no way, 'bombastic blowhard,' that you're gonna sweep your embarrassment under the rug with 'win the next ten games' crap. Ten minus the four I lost makes six - you were bageled (0-6). You gloat over the one you administered to 'Rockin' Rick Ricci last Saturday yet you won't report when you were blown out!" "No problem, Frankie. You just did it for me," grinned the 'deceptive dupe.'
"Take it easy 'Rock,' it'll happen someday. Someday you'll beat me in singles. Just not today." was the churlish comment made by the 'insipid idiot' as the group met for final pictures. 'Rockin' Rick Ricci was beside himself having bought the trifecta this morning at Kinsley. "I played so well earlier this week at the Tennis Center...how the hell did I lose all three sets today. And no less having a bagel (6-0) stuffed down my throat by the 'prevaricating provocateur.' Titan then reminded 'RRR,' "Sab is eleven years older than you Rock, and I can't beat him. You're 11 years older than me. Doesn't it make sense you can't beat me. See the symmetry in it all." TT/'RRR' had fallen (2-6) as partners to the'Kraut'/'Koide Kid' to open the day's play. "But the 'anonymous Gas Man' is a much stronger player than you, 'bombastic blowhard.' If I played my usual game Carl and I figured to beat the tandem of TT/'Chemist' (6-4) in the final set. "That's the problem Rick. You can't figure this game. The 'Chemist' played like he had propane in his jets today and the Titan had high octane in his tank this morning; so winning for me was at a premium. You just paid the price."
"Titan, today you displayed graciousness on the court" beamed Max 'Tutor' Tuchman to the 'ebullient egotist.' "Hell, Max you're so old you had a brain fart and showed up to play - even though you weren't scheduled to be in today's foursome - you should blame the schedule maker" retorted TennisTitan. "But that'd be me" answered 'Tutor.' "Exactly" re-posited the 'arrogant antagonist'.' "And you would've gotten plenty of blame from me had we lost that set to 'Big Al' Diodati and Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. (7-6 [3]). We were in the hole 1-4 before you got your mind off I-95 and made a few plays at net. I was beginning to second guess my generosity in allowing you to play the first set in my stead. You even made 'EBL' Tully work in the opening set victory you had over the 'Italian Stallion' and the 'Russian Bear (6-3)." "TennisTitan, or TT if you allow me, I may be the 'Tutor' but you are more aptly named my 'Tutee" chuckled a 'mawkish Max'.
"Titan, instead of buying indulgences perhaps you should purchase something to steady your nerves," So quipped Bob 'Kraut' Kluge at the conclusion of the tiebreaker in which he routed TT seven - zero to take the set (6-7). "And no self-respecting Lutheran is going to be intimidated by a ne'er do well wearing a seventeen year old t-shirt with the likeness of a dead pope emblazoned on it." Titan had given the 'heckling heretic' all he could handle in the 65 minute set. Indeed the 'Catholic choker' served for the set twice at 5-4, and 6-5 only to be broken by the 'Germanic gyro.' "TennisTitan, you must Reform your game. Your salvation on and off the tennis court can only come through the grace of God (and maybe a few more unforced errors by me). Here's my Thesis, even though it's only one, not 95 like Martin Luther demanded: Go on a Diet of Worms: you'll wiggle out of difficulty easier as you slither around the court and as an added benefit we won't excommunicate you from Kinsley."
"Kraut, I don't blog sets that are not played to completion" was the Titan's response. "Der Klugmeister had given his all as TennisTitan's partner in the set that ended (5-5) against Carl the 'anonymous Gasman' and George 'Chemist Hauss. "But Titan" continued the 'Teutonic dynamo' we came from 1-5 down in the breaker to win the eleventh and deciding game by taking six points in a row. Can't you report about that, if not boast about it?" "Sorry Kraut, beating the 'Chemist/'Big Al' Diodati tandem (6-3) in the first set with 'Rockin' Rick Ricci at my side will have to satisfy my readers that the 'bombastic blowhard' played some terrific tennis today."
"Freedom isn't free" trumpeted the TennisTitan as he trundled off the court at the Yonkers Tennis Center. "But you're as cheap as they come anyway" chirped the Italian Stallion, 'Big Al' Diodati. Titan had just enjoyed the fruits of having paired with Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully in a second set (6-0) thrashing of the Italian Stallion and Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. 'Big Al' was pissed because, unlike the 'Russian Bear' who in the first set had enjoyed a (2-6) triumph over the Titan with 'EBL," 'Big Al' could only claim a two (0-2) game lead against the TT/'Russkie' tandem when time expired. "Comrades" interjected the 'ebullient emigre,' I can assure that 'Freedom isn't free.' I had to pay the 'State' 1,500,000 rubles to leave the motherland in '92...and it has been worth every asinine moment I have had to spend with the Titan since."
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