"These guys make me feel young" beamed Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe at the conclusion of his fifth set this glorious day (for the Briscoes) at Kinsley. "Better still, they should make you feel talented - given their level of play" quipped the proud Tio Titan. The 'Jersey Bomber' had made the 60 mile trip in from Monmouth County to visit his mom and help TT with some repairs around the house. Who knew that his most potent assist would be repairing the Titan's tarnished image on his home court. After dropping their first set (1-6) to the tandem of George 'Chemist' Hauss and Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman TennisTitan and the 'Jersey Bomber' were formidable: thrashing 'Big Al' Diodati/Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso (6-2); overwhelming Chris 'Prozac Kid'/Lou 'Pistol Gerencser (6-3); and outlasting Frank 'Slats' Slattery/ George 'Chemist' Hauss (6-4). The 'naughty nephew' reserved his finest offering for the crowd of defeated elders eager to hear his synopsis of his final victory of the day over 'Prozac'/'Chemist' when he paired with the 'Pistol' in their (6-3) triumph. "It's good that the Titan is watching and resting now, so that he can rest even more while he watches me from a lawn chair while I work on his roof. And you know those 'it's in the DNA' cries he was bellowing as I made shot after shot, running my ass ragged, to pull each set out. Well here's my DNA. "I - DIDN'T - NEED the ASSHOLE."
"Titan, you can't play any better than that, and you still lost" gloated 'Big Al' Diodati at the end of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center this rainy afternoon. TennisTitan had put together his strongest outing of the year and came away with 'nuttin'! Teaming with regular cohort, Max 'Tutor' Tuchman, the 'bloated barbarian' raised his game several notches in his double defeat to the 'Italian Stallion' and Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully (3-6, 5-7). Tennis Titan connected on just about everything today; surprising himself with efficient net play, crisp backhand returns that prevented 'EBL' from taking control of points on his serve, well placed lobs when 'EBL' was coming in, and going backdoor on the Tullyville Trolly as the speed merchant anticipated needing to cover the middle at net." 'Big Al,' did I mention I liposuctioned your gut several times when I decided not to laser the forehand down the alley, but instead rocket it into the body?" TT/'Tutor' managed to get the second set to 5-5, rallying from 3-5 down, but did not get the job done. A remorseful 'Tutor' opined at photo time, "I feel bad for you, 'egotistical egomaniac.' Had I played half as well as you did today we would have had a victory." Tully chortled, "yeah, and I suppose you two will have a snowball fight in Florida."
TennisTitan took to the outdoor courts this afternoon at Kinsley and took down his adversaries as easily as the surrounding maple trees were losing their leaves on this beautiful, crisp fall day. TT paired with Bill 'Electro Lux' Ching for the first of his two sets. With the score knotted at four games apiece it became tennis-interruptus as John 'The Neck' Manzi excused himself for a 30 minute bathroom break! Indeed, the maven of mid-week tennis had to take an emergency dumper thereby temporarily abandoning his partner 'Lil' Papi. The 'boisterous blowhard' did not flinch at the opportunity to take 'Lil Papi' as his partner during the ensuing break. TT and the 'Ecuadorian Mosquito' led the tandem of Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz and 'Electro Lux' four games to two when the 'Neck' reappeared with his bathroom host, Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. The Titan and the vacuum repairman finished their business, wiping (and whipping) the asses of Manzi and Lil Papi in 2 quick games to complete their first set (6-4) victory. Because 'Gimpy Knees' reneged in his stated commitment to play a full set and ceded his spot along side 'Electro Lux' to the 'Neck,' 'Russkie' joined the 'bombastic blogger' to complete the aborted second set, another (6-4) triumph. As the group met at net 'Lil Papi' opined, "I don't know if I won or lost with the the 'Gringo Gigante? It's like I had a taco, but no enchillada." 'Electro Lux' commented 'You lost, we beat you 6-4." The 'Neck' cringed and quipped, "Titan is my hemorrhoid. I always feel a little bloody and sore after he works me over with the rough, raw lasers to the backside corner. I know I lost more than my dignity today."
"Very funny Titan. But your Obama will soon give you socialism. None of you dumb Americans will be laughing then."
'So Titan, how else can you explain it" smiled 'Big Al' DioDati. "Each week you get your butt kicked by 'EBL' and me and your blog credits Tully with doing all the heavy lifting in my victory?" The 'Italian Stallion' was feeling his oats after this afternoon's (7-5, 3-0 partial) triumph (sans Bill 'EBL' Tully) as TennisTitan's partner against Max 'Tutor' Tuchman and a subbing Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. TT/'Big Al' appeared to on the way to an easy win, up 5-1 when the 'stoic socialist' caught fire and raised his game to knot the contest at five games apiece. "Big Al,' chortled the 'braggadocios blowhard, "how about that 11th game when I served at love to end the hemorrhaging? Vlad must have thought it was the Berlin wall coming down signaling the end of the USSR." 'Tutor' quipped, "you'll always be a loser in my eyes regardless of the outcome, - what's so beautiful is that I think of you as my loser." The 'reflective Russkie' opined "Da Comrades, no 'EBL' today! EveryBody Loses if Titan doesn't write his blog. Only Max loses if the Energizer Bunny Legs doesn't show up."
"Carl, you folded like that cheap accordion you diddle with from time to time" eviscerated the 'bloated blowhard' at end of the third and final set played this beautiful fall morning at Kinsley. Rather than being gratified that the 'grouchy grandfather had taken the set (6-4) against Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman and a combination of George 'Chemist' Hauss (departed at 3-3) and an aching Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz, the TennisTitan was annoyed that he had to share the glory with partner Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "What's up with you" quipped the perplexed 'Slats' to the 'miffed misanthrope.' "Slats, there's no way I can be happy after the way 'Chemist' and I frittered away the second set to you and 'Big Al' Diodati (3-6) after having dominated you (6-2) in the opener." An injured 'Der Klugemeister,' in attendance to scout TT at a 2nd consecutive event, retorted from the sidelines, "Slats, - and you too Carl- put yourself on a 'DL' list with me immediately! - DON'T LISTEN!
"Titan, since when do you need and audience to show your ineptitude on the tennis court" queried partner (of sorts) Max 'Tutor' Tuchman at the end of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center this afternoon. 'Tutor/'TT' had just received a (1-6) drubbing in the second set against 'Big Al' Diodati and Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully. The 'insufferable idiot' had played especially well in their (4-6) loss in the opener but the 'truculent teacher' was having none of it at picture time. "Titan, don't give me that crap! I can lose six love without you expending less energy in the defeat than giving it my all and losing a close contest with you at my side" an exasperated Tuchman trumpeted. The guest photographer opined, "I came to watch you guys play because I couldn't go to work due to a backache. Now I've got a headache to deal with too!" TennisTitan commented "Innocent Bystander Meddling."
"Titan, I forgot to tell you, I failed my HS Chemistry regents exam back in '62" a sheepish George 'Chemist' Hauss admitted at net. TT and 'Chemist' had paired for four sets this rainy morning at Kinsley Park with decidedly mixed results. The boys were on fire in the opener, bageling the tandem of Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman and Rich 'El Prezidente' Prezioso (6-0). When Der Klugemeister Bob Kluge teamed with 'SL' for the second set the table was turned even more rapidly producing a (0-6) undressing of the 'Bokeelia braggart' and his MIA partner. 'Kraut' Kluge and 'Prezidente' continued to expose the errant play of the 'Chemist' and the lassitude of the 'indolent idiot' during the final two sets. After dropping the third set (4-6) due to the insistence of the 'stubborn scientist's failure to adjust his game to accommodate to the swirling winds and mist impacting play, the 'trash-talking tactician' turned it on for their finale, a (6-2) triumph. 'Prez' opined at departure, "Turkey Tom, sitting out the second set, I learned how to beat you - just get the ball back to your half of the court." 'Kraut' quipped, "yeah, without 'Chemist' being on his game, it was like two against none, rather than the usual 2 against 1." The 'somber scientist' offered this explanation for his inconsistent play. "I minored in physics. You guys all hit flat. My top spin was more greatly effected by Newton's little known 8th law: 'SBS' - Soggy Ball Syndrome. Titan commented 'I wonder if any of my readers remember the Cowsills." (don't forget to click on the blog title in red to obtain a special treat),
"Titan, maybe you should've stayed in Florida. The old folks there seem to be more your speed" chorused an ebullient 'Big Al' DioDati and an enervated Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully. That trusted tandem had just completed 'the usual' - a two set sweep of the out classed pairing of TennisTitan and Max 'Tutor' Tuchman (2-6, 3-6). 'EBL' controlled the front and back courts with his speed game and the 'Italian Stallion' emulated "Old Reliable," Tommy Henrich, in inestimable fashion when need be by keeping points alive. 'Tutor' opined at net as the group was set to depart, "Titan, you'd think 'Big Al' would've treated you better today, with you having arranged that party for his 80th birthday the last time he saw you." Tully quipped, "Nah, Al is too much like Early Wynn. He'd knock down his grandmother with a high inside fastball if she was crowding the plate." 'Tutor' chortled "Titan, it looks like you were crowding the plate recently at those Early Birds." DioDati had the last word. "Titan, one thing I know is that when I play against you 'I have an early win!'
"Titan, you not only bring your dour disposition back from Florida, but also crappy weather" carped 'Der Klugemeister' Bob Kluge as the rain poured steadily down on TT and his three cohorts at Kinsley this morning. 'The Kraut' was in a sour mood because the 'flatulent Floridian' had teamed with fellow tennis whore George 'Chemist' Hauss in a one set triumph (6-4) over the tandem of 'Kraut' and Chris 'Prosac Kid.' 'Kraut' and 'Chemist' had squeegeed and rolled the puddle soaked concrete dry to enable the 'boisterous blowhard' to break more than wind in the 30 minutes of play before the heavens opened up with the teams tied at three apiece. With 'Prosac' showing signs of tennis withdrawal: "How can we play in this weather" Titan prevailed with his irrefutable logic as the set was played to completion. "The tennis balls are sopping wet already. We might as well stay and get our balls wet too." As 'Prosac' beat a hasty retreat to his lair across the street from the courts in the unrelenting downpour 'Chemist' averred "Chris just ain't into it like we are. How about a game of singles Bob" as Titan took out his camera.
"Okay wise ass, what have you got to say now" opined George 'Genealogist' Pratt after his first set thumping of the TennisTitan at the Tarpon Springs Sail and Tennis Club this morning. Indeed the transplanted Kansan put an indelible mark on the 'bloated behemoth's tennis curriculum vitae. It took TT until the 6th game (1-6) to get on the board against an erstwhile opponent that he once dominated. The smile on the 'Wichita Lineman's face surpassed that which he displayed when the sigmoidoscope was extracted from his rectum after he completed his recent colonoscopy. "Consider this your barium enema" chortled the 'preening peacock' as the combatants prepared for their second set at the idyllic complex where the 'bullshitting blogger' is about to purchase a condo. "I will not be your doormat here anymore!" Well, the Titan got off his duff and answered the bell in the second set, coming away with a (6-2) victory in a set that was closer than the score indicated. The 'Genealogist,' almost 10 years the 'boastful bumbler's senior, is light years quicker and in far better shape thanks to his active lifestyle. As the adversaries met at net to decide on their luncheon fare George quipped, " Do you eat crow? And Titan, there's still time to reneg on the purchase contract." TennisTitan turned to the 'avuncular antagonist" and said: "George, that endoscopy you said you also had. That'll be nothing compared to what you can expect upon my return in December. I will shove a three set sweep down your throat and even provide you a bagel to clear the esophagus!"
"The only thing Wrigley about you Titan is that gut you tote around Kinsley Park" a rankled Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso retorted at the conclusion of play this morning. TT had opined that "Kinsley is to the 'bloated behemoth' as Wrigley Field is to the Chicago Cubs: a great place to play if not win." But TennisTitan did win another thriller from the Mavin of Briarcliff Manor. Titan had paired with 'El Prezidente' in doubles in the opening set against George 'Chemist' Hauss and Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser. 'Prez' had played extraordinarily well in their (5-7) defeat that had relegated the two ex Lincoln HS compatriots to singles play on the challenger's court. TT dispatched the retired health educator (6-0) in their first set and seemingly had matters well in hand before a revivified 'Prez' rallied to take a 4-5 advantage. The tandem of George ' Teacher' Febles and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge who subsequently defeated 'Chemist'/'Pistol' (7-6 [5]) were privileged to witness with rapt attention the stirring come-from-behind victory the 'arrogant asshole' hung on 'El Prezidente.' "Coup d'etat" panted a near exhausted 'boisterous blowhard' as he closed out the breaker (7-6 [5]) to the amazed onlookers ready to administer CPR to the 'winded windbag.' "With the Titan, it's always about heart in the third set" shouted the 'Kraut.' "It can't be about ability" quipped the 'Teacher.' 'Chemist' chortled "smoke and mirrors - but most of all - experience."
"I guess I just like to get blogged. It can't be the competition" joked 'Santa Ana' as the rain began to fall. Stuart Gourd surprised the TennisTitan with a call this morning to reprise their duel in the sun. The outcome was another two set rout (1-6, 3-6) of the 'inveterate idiot' at Northwest Park under mostly cloudy skies in humid conditions. The 'pedantic prevaricator' acquitted himself reasonably well getting the majority of games to deuce or better but was worn down by the relentless hustle of his 'athletic adversary.' TT may have gained more than he lost with his 90 minute double defeat had not the skies opened up. The 'engaging egotist' had cajoled two fellow sixty somethings playing singles on an adjacent court to engage in a set of doubles against the 'bombastic blowhard' and the 'hyperactive hippy-attorney' that was washed out in the first game by the sudden shower. The departing Cliff and Eddie told the 'whoring tennis-hooter' "we generally play at Northwest every morning... drop by if you'd like." The "pumpkin plunderer" smiled wryly at the two older gentlemen and said, "you don't know what you're letting yourselves in for." "Titan, adios until your next visit."
"Titan, that little game of yours has no place in a big state like Texas. You can get away with patty cake tennis at Kinsley but down here you got to cowboy up" crowed Stuart 'Santa Ana' Gourd at the completion of play at Northwest Park in Austin this date. "Put it this way (sic) pahdner: you're like a bronc that's been broken long ago and now's only fit to be ridden by little old ladies lookin' for that one last thrill" cracked the 'amiable attorney' after his (3-6, 1-6) whipping of the 'desultory dilettante' who wandered into his line of fire. "You thought you got the drop on me calling me at the last minute for a game. You thought you could drop and then lob me to a victory. Think again! You dropped in the 92 degree heat." Indeed, TennisTitan was competitive for half a set (3-3) before the wheels came off and he dropped nine of the last ten games. "Titan, best you hook up with those 'dilly Dell' boys if you're looking for a victory in Texas. Their stock is down, just like yours. Consider yourself lucky. You saw the 'King,' George Strait, Friday night, you met your 'King' this afternoon!
TennisTitan will be in the Lone Star State from the 24th through October 1st. He is expecting to engage Russell 'Hoya Saxa' Briscoe and Stuart 'Santa Ana' Gourd, plus other unsuspecting innocents wandering the tennis courts of Austin or purveying sales at Dell. George Strait concert, Longhorn Football, and Texas Stars Hockey will likely serve as TT's victories. Look for the Titan back on the Kinsley concrete Saturday 10/3 before he embarks on the annual October Florida Tour on October 5th. Keep watching for further posts.
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