"No one who plays you ever expects you to be Bashful about your supposed tennis prowess when you write your Dopey blog" commented Bob 'Kraut' Kluge at picture time. "That's because I know how to pick a partner who gives me a chance to win" answered a Happy TennisTitan after his satisfying (7-5) second set victory over Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak and the 'Kraut.' "My only concern was that my 'naughty nephew,' Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe, would be too 'Sleepy' to get the job done for me this morning after a late night on McLean Av. post Mets game" said TT. "I even enjoyed playing with the 'bloated blowhard' this morning" contributed Stuart 'not Espn' Scott who helped defeat (6-2) the tandem of 'Big Al' Diodati and Frank 'Slats' Slattery in the opener. "Wish I could have stayed for another set with you Titan, but I have to see my Doc this morning before heading off on a family vacation later today" added Stuart. A very Grumpy 'Big Al' chided, "I bet that 'facetious fairytale' teller will not even give you full credit in his (sic) Sleazy commentary. "I thought the name of the seventh dwarf was Sneezy" questioned the 'dozin docent.' "Sorry, for this (sic) Grimm reminder" interjected the 'testy Teuton.' This is the 21st century...Sleazy is appropriate!
"Got anything to say now, 'bodacious blowhard' was the 'testy Teuton's comment as he retrieved his gear and headed back to the bus depot.The 'Kraut' with the ample assistance of Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz had come back in the truncated second set to seize the lead (3-4 partial) and send TennisTitan and Frank 'Slats' Slattery to a pizza lunch to discuss what could have been, but wasn't. 'Slats' attempted to console the 'whining wimp' as the scrumptious pie was delivered to the table. "Titan, those sets (6-3) could have gone either way. We played them tough. No way they thought it would take an hour to close out the first set. And then to come back so strong before 'Der Klugemeister, Bob Kluge, had to bail. You've got nothing to be ashamed of." At meals end, the sated, 'prevaricating pinhead' was brought back to earth. 'Slats' opined, "there's one thing you should be embarrassed about, 'gluttonous goombah.' You ate all but 2 slices of the pie!"
"Ethics? Titan, who are you to speak about a subject you can barely spell, no less practice. Remember, I worked with you at Lincoln H.S." cautioned an enraged Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. "I am still pissed off with you from Thursday and now you hassle me because I want to play singles, you jerk off! Der Klugemeister was angered when TT broke his balls because 'Kraut' attempted to leave his doubles match at 4-4 to engage 'Big Daddy' Dave Lipscomb in singles. "It's bad enough that you and Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak beat Mike ' not so stellar' Stella (6-4) and myself in a set I played like crap in, but now you want me to attend the Kinsley Kangaroo Court because you say I violated some unwritten code of conduct." "Bobby, it's not right that you'd leave three guys to play Canadian simply because you didn't want to tire yourself out in a meaningless doubles game or go 'into the tank' to finish a set quickly as it appears you did. Your potential singles set is meaningless to us too." "Cool down" warned 'not so stellar.' "George 'Chemist' Hauss" will take the 'testy Teuton's place for the second set (6-2) against the 'jovial Jaspers and I'll have a partner who'll give his all throughout the entire set. "Don't be so sure of that," reminded a visibly tired 'Chemist." "And Titan, before I start my singles match" yelled 'Kraut' from the far court, "set up a doubles match for me mid-week against you and 'Slats.'
"Spin-Master" you've got a lot to learn" continued Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. "Playing well and beating Titan doesn't get you props in the blog. Any of us can do that. It's playing spectacularly well and winning with the Titan that gets you recognition." "But he told me to implement Plan B -not be his partner- and I did, that's why I paired with Frank 'Slats' Slattery in our scintillating (6-7 [4]) first set victory. "Jose, that first set went one hour and ten minutes. Titan played his ass off, winning all three of his services and I screwed up royally. TT carried me. Now I've got to read his bloviating bullshit. I need my own Plan B" intoned the 'testy Teuton.' "Bobby, you and Jose 'Spin-Master' Guzman would have never heard the end of it had you two not nosed ahead of TennisTitan/'Slats' (4-5 partial) in the set we couldn't complete" commented the 'coddling counselor.' "I don't get it, Frankie. How do you do it? You know, you always seem to wanna be his partner" asked Jose. "It's simple. Titan is my Plan B. He's my marriage therapist. I know that however poorly I may be playing, he's always happy that I am chasing balls he should be getting. When I put my head on the pillow tonight all I hear as I fall asleep is 'you,' 'you,' 'you.' It's just like my Patsy does when I awaken in the morning."
Perhaps, you should get a new shirt. May I suggest "WHINERVILLE" rather than Georgetown opined Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "Just because you and 'Big Al' Diodati whipped us (2-6) in that second set you're feeling your oats now, Frankie" lamented the 'lame loudmouth.' "George had a miserable morning at net. He shanked more balls into the net and out of play than 'Big Al' has hairs on his head" continued the 'crusty curmudgeon.' "Are you saying that it was George 'Chemist' Hauss' fault that you didn't run after one ball that wasn't in your strike zone, Titan" queried 'Slats.' "Frankie, what I'm saying is this. We were lucky to win the first set (6-4) against 'Happy Jack' Carey and 'Stuart 'not Espn' Scott. The Georgetown Hoyas sucked on the Kinsley court today just like they do at the Verizon Center in D.C.
"Titan, if nothing else, we have established that Jose's shoulders are not big enough to carry you" quipped Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "But it appears I still can" quickly interjected Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. "I brought Titan back from a love-three deficit in the final set to a (5-4 partial) lead before I had to put the bus back in gear." "But that second set bagel (0-6) we served TennisTitan and Jose 'SpinMaster' Guzman was scrumptious, was it not, 'Slats,' continued Der Klugemeister. "Especially after the two of them appeared to wake up late in the first set (3-6) and make a run at us" said 'Slats.' "I will be better prepared for your game next time" opined the 'grinning Guzman." "I was a tad late with my back hand most of the morning, but when we meet again I will more quickly go to Plan B." "And what will Plan A be, pray tell" asked 'Slats.' "Obviously, not to partner with the Titan" retorted the 'SpinMaster.'
"Kraut, you took your hand off the wheel in that second set" commented a disappointed TennisTitan to his bus driving partner. "We managed to eke out that first set (6-4) victory through grit and determination but lost our edge when we needed you to be razor sharp in the second (3-6), (2-2 partial)" continued the 'bloated blowhard.' "Need I remind you," 'lethargic libertine,' that with that scraggly growth on your face, you wouldn't know razor sharp if you middle name was Gillette' retorted the 'testy Teuton.' "But, Bob your game is predicated on power, not just on your returns, but on a potent first serve too. Where was it today... at the depot?" "Bob, I think I know where the blog is going based on the 'whines from the wimp" interjected Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "Titan, you have a crappy attitude" teased Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz. You walk Tully for 45 minutes at another park before we play so he takes his dump and sits quietly on the sidelines. Then what do we get from you? At best, you walk after the ball, play like shit, and never shut up. Do you get the irony of it all."
"Titan, you don't even play Lotto. How in hell do you expect to beat 'not Espn,' Stuart Scott" reasoned George 'Chemist' Hauss, who along with Stuart ruined TennisTitan's near perfect morning. Titan and the 'Chemist' had teamed for the first two sets and defeated the tandem of 'not Espn' and Rockin' Rick Ricci (6-2, 6-4). "How do you think I feel" lamented 'Rockin' after dropping the finale as TT's partner (4-6). I lost all three sets today." "You can't expect to be lucky in love and in tennis" chirped 'not Espn.' "You've had 39 years with a woman you love, be thankful you only had 39 minutes with the Titan at your side! And Titan, since we all know I've got your number, I'd like you to refer to me as the 'Black Avenger' in the blog once in a while." "Stuart, there's nothing conservative about your tennis game" retorted the 'bombastic bullshitter' as he focused his camera.
"Titan, but who is next in line? Surely not you." queried Frank 'Slats' Slattery over pizza and pitchers of pepsi post match at Frank Pepe's Pizzeria. TennisTitan had just defrocked Gene 'King' Slattery from this titular status first accorded him in 2005 when he dominated play at net and in his service at Kinsley. "Liege, your skills have eroded worse than Tiger Woods' putting game these past two years. Your inept volleys at net are akin to three putting a par three." Titan/'King' had just dropped the rubber (6-8) to 'Slats' and Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz after splitting sets (2-6, 6-3) at Andrus Park in Yonkers. 'Gimpy Knees' came out firing in the opener and dominated with his forehand overpowering TT with pace and having 'King' mistime his forehand repetitively into the net. Finally settling into the rhythm of Titan's deep returns to the base line in set 2, 'King' began to cherry pick the feeble returns at net with a modicum of success. But not at crunch time. 'King' you remind me of Eldrich in another way too. You never come from behind to win the set. You have no more confidence in your serve with pace than Tiger has in dating Black women. You reach into your bag for Big Bertha and come out with a pitching wedge." "Titan, it was you who had your service broken in game 14 of the third set" countered the once coronated one. "You are the one who plays tentatively, that your opponents exploit with short balls. The only wedge you know about is in your underwear." Indeed, Liege, you make valid points. But we actually lost the set in the 10th game when you failed to convert game/set point six times with those awful shanks at net. 'Gimpy Knees' couldn't buy a point in the third set, he was so tired and you didn't make him pay for it." I formally send you into exile for two weeks at Lake Sebago, Maine. Play some golf, Hit a ball that is not moving." "Titan, I have a small handicap when I play golf, but with you on the tennis court, that's another story."
"This is how you treat a comrade?" chided Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. "Titan, First you beg me to come and play on Saturday morning throughout the year, and when I finally show up, you treat me like Putin treated Alexei Navalny." "Russkie, with the way you played this morning as my partner (0-6, 3-6) in losses to Frank 'Slats' Slattery, first with 'Big Al' Diodati and then with Rockin' Rick Ricci, I should have treated you like Putin treated Edward Snowden. You would get no asylum from me, 'Russkie.' I would send you home in the plane that brought you from Hong Kong. Your game betrayed you, not me" "But Titan, countered the 'Russian Bear,' there are no state secrets I needed to divulge so that everyone would know how to beat you. Your game is like a Russian car, the Lada, - always breaking down." "Thank God 'Slats' took pity on a fellow Irishman and paired with me in a (6-4) victory against the 'Chemist,' George Hauss and Mike 'not so stellar' Stella to conclude the days play in 90 degree temperatures" continued the 'otiose oaf.' 'Big Al' interjected, "Bulbous bullshitter,' I think you lost more pounds in water weight than you lost games to me and Frankie. Be thankful for that."
"Well, at least we played" was about all TennisTitan could offer at the end of a tough outing at Kinsley Park this morning. Eventually the morning drizzle gave way to gray overcast, oppressively humid skies enabling the six tennis whores who sponge rolled and swept the puddles form the court to get a few sets in. "Chemist, you must have used all your energy up pushing the broom" was TT's comment to his partner after the (2-6) lambasting administered by Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak in the opener. Der Klugemeister proceeded to go mano y mano in singles with Chris 'Nigerian Nightmare' Ikhigbonoaremen enabling Carl the 'anonymous Gas Man' to pair with the 'dozin' docent' in the second set of doubles (6-2) against TT/'Chemist.' The final set was not played to completion (3-3 partial) when the participants cried 'uncle, it's too freaking draining' to end a very sorry, soggy performance by the four wet, weary warriors. Not to be outdone off the court, as he was on the court, 'Chemist' asked, "Titan, did you use all your energy up getting out of bed." Truer words were never spoken.
"Titan, this is so fitting. It's the 150th anniversary of the bloodiest battle in American history and you redefined the word carnage on the tennis court with your play this morning" lauded Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "Frankie, let me paraphrase something for you I wrote on the back of my business card while I had my 5th cup of coffee at the kitchen table to jack myself up for our match. "The tennis world will little note, nor long remember what I say in my blog, but I will never let you, nor Max 'Tutor' Tuchman and Jose 'Spin Master' Guzman ever forget what we (and I really mean 'I') did here this morning. We were engaged in a great tennis match, testing whether KINSLEY players who are so dedicated, can long endure against a distinguished team from the prestigious LANDING condo in Dobbs Ferry. We met on the the great battlefield of the Yonkers Tennis Center. "Oh, stop with the self-serving speeches' interjected the 'Tutor,' who had mercifully ended their agony at (6-6 partial) in the third set with "I gotta get to New Jersey using the cheaper EZ Pass rate on the GWB." "Spin Master' quipped, "Max, that reminds me. You were passed so many times by TennisTitan during our (6-2, 6-1) shellacking that your racket began to look like mud flaps from my position on the baseline. "Jose, reminded Max, 'four double faults and seven unforced errors ago, you thought we'd roll through these guys. Let us resolve that our ass kicking was not in vain. My tennis game is of the people, by the people, and for the people of the Landing and as long as I continue to make the schedule, it shall not perish from the earth. Jose rejoined, "I should'a stuck to baseball." (Follow the underlined link)
TennisTitan paired with George 'Chemist' Hauss at Kinsley this date and came away with wins (6-4, 6-3) over Carl the 'anonymous gas man' and Stuart 'not ESPN' Scott. Down love - three in set one thanks to the superb play of 'not ESPN' the victors ran off five straight games to ease into winner's circle. TT/'Chemist' cruised to a 5-1 lead in set 2 before allowing the opposition back into the match. At picture time the 'gas man' observed, "with the heat and humidity this morning, Titan, it was very appropriate, if not humane, that you brought Tully. It seems that the dog days of summer have arrived early." And 'Chemist' quickly added, "Titan was really dogging it too. Did he run for one ball? Tully lifts his one leg more than Titan lifts two!"
"Titan, I can't do it all. Not every freaking day I am stuck with you" commented Bob 'Kraut' Kluge to a disappointed TennisTitan. "But you have to" interjected a jubilant Frank 'Slats' Slattery "that's a prerequisite when you're Titan's partner." It had started so well at Wilson Park in Yonkers this summer afternoon with TT/'Kraut' easily handling 'Slats' and Joe 'Gimpy Legs' Cruz (6-3) in the opening set. But at the conclusion it was a different story with TT/'Kraut' on the ropes (at 3-5 partial) before play was halted by 'Der Klugemeister's need to return to work. "Bob, your're leaving none too soon. The Titan is surely going to blame you for that second set defeat (4-6), what with him deferring opening serve to you and you losing game one and five at love! Your serve and crisp back hand deserted you quicker than TennisTitan can say 'you' as he expects his partner to save his ass from a ball he should have played," critiqued 'Slats.' "No Frankie, I blame your ophthalmologist and the poor job he did with your cataract surgery. Had you not missed that call in the ninth game of the second set by calling a ball 'in' that was clearly an inch out, you would have lost the second set" whined the "whipped wimp.' "Ha! exclaimed 'Gimpy Knees.' "Bob says Titan's got new knees when Titan makes a rare good play, but I say 'he's got the same old excuses."
"The truth is you were feeling the heat from the first ball" crowed Bob 'Kraut' Kluge, who with the TennisTitan dominated play in sultry Yonkers this afternoon. TT/'Kraut' took on 'Rockin' Rick Ricci and Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz. The (6-3) romp was followed by a (3-love partial) before the combatants came to their senses and stopped play in the 90 degree temperature 80 degree humidity that engulfed Andrus Park in Yonkers. "Let's live to play another day" encouraged 'Der Klugemeister who led the charge to curtail play after seeing 'RRR' unsteady on his legs during the serve toss to begin the fourth game of set 2. 'Rock' insisted he could continue, "I've been drinking water all morning" assured the 'intrepid icon.' "Yeah, Rock, but you forgot the Crown Royale to go with it" chipped in his partner, 'Gimpy Knees.' I've been drinking since I got up at 4AM. A High Ball always improves my toss." "Joe, I think you need to work on a vodka volley" added the 'pompous prevaricator.'
"Sometimes you're just outplayed and you've got to tip your hat to the other guy" was the rationale offered by Carl the 'anonymous Gasman' this beautiful summer morning at Kinsley Park. Rarely does Titan get the opportunity to pair with 'AG' so it was especially disappointing to drop both sets (4-6, 3-6) to George 'Chemist' Hauss and, a once familiar face at Kinsley, making his first appearance in five years, 'shillelagh Bart.' "Titan, we used to hear you on the adjacent court when Chris 'ex cop' Baldasarri and I would play singles back in the day and dread the day that our game would be brought down to your level, but here I am." It took double hip replacements to reduce me to join a game of doubles with you and the other codgers, but enjoy it I did. Chris had told me back in '08 that he had turned in his NYPD badge with no regrets, but if the day ever came when he needed to play doubles with you competitively, he'd either turn in his racket or become an undercover tennis player." The 'Chemist' who had had his way all morning with TT, concluded with "Shillelagh Bart, did you notice that Titan's comments are like listening to a Saturday morning infomercial on low testosterone - he's the very definition of 'low T'' "And his irritating voice is like scratching your nails on a chalk board" contributed the 'anonymous Gasman.' "Not nice Carl; you may be ethanol free but you're not error free either" retorted 'bombastic blowhard.'
"Titan, you were there when we needed you, is all I can say" was the summary comment made by Frank 'Slats' Slattery. 'Slats' had called the TennisTitan to fill in for the 'Kraut' who had failed to show at Andrus Park for a scheduled doubles match against Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz and 'Rockin' Rick Ricci. TT had been taking an afternoon stroll with Tully in nearby Bronxville Park when he received the S.O.S. Ala Clark Kent he transformed himself into a 'tennis tornado' in a matter of minutes. Teaming with 'Slats,' Titan transitioned himself from 'peripatetic patroon' walking his dog to 'deadly dynamo' 'walking the walk' to capture the first set (6-4). Two hours later TT/'Slats' pocketed another (11-9) hard fought set. A dispirited 'Gimpy Knees' opined "I know you saved the day for us by coming over so quickly without notice but your saving five set points on your serve was incredible." 'Slats' remarked "and he held serve in crunch time, at 4-5, 6-7, 8-9, equally impressive." "And he even dressed a good game because he didn't know he was going to play when he left his house" said 'Rockin' Rick.
TennisTitan spent a wonderful Father's Day in New Jersey doing what he likes to do best in the best way possible. Wisely deferring his play until his son Russell, 'Hoya Saxa,' and nephew, Rob, 'Jersey Bomber' had exhausted themselves splitting two sets against each other, Titan took on his host in a one set thriller. "I am here to pick up the pieces" chortled the 'odious oaf' at plays conclusion. And the biggest piece was a broken 'Jersey Bomber' serve in the pivotal 11th game enabling the 'garrulous godfather' to serve out the set (7-5) for a well earned - er, planned - victory. "You wouldn't have beaten either of us if we had played you in singles first rather than each other during the ninety minutes you sat on the sidelines and ran your mouth" chorused the cousins Briscoe. "I am the father to one of you and the godparent to the other, you are lucky I didn't win at love, because that's what I have for you on this special day. Now let's go have a barbecue."
