TennisTitan has the wonderful opportunity to spend Christmas and New Year's with my son Russell in California. Russ has been working in Australia this past year and I am very excited to spend quality time with him. I will return to Australia with him for the month of January and eagerly look forward to my time in Sydney and Melbourne. Tennis fans, look carefully; you'll surely see me at the Australian Open and, God willing, talking some unsuspecting mate in a local park into a set or two.
"Titan, this is the way you end your year?" queried 'Big Al' Diadati. A (1-6) loss to Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully and me is nothing to be ashamed about. It happens all the time." But remember when I was your partner in the first set you won two games (2-6). Does that make me twice the player that Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev is?" posited the 'Italian Stallion.' "Wait a minute" interrupted 'EBL.' Titan and I were hammering you guys three love (3-0 partial) when time expired. That 'loud mouth libertine' will be contending in his blog that he is half the player I am because he won three games (not 6) and is infinitely better than either of you two because he lost none with me as his partner" opined the Tullyville Trolley. To wit TennisTitan responded, "Bill you're a mathematical genius even if you don't know the difference between infinity and infinitely."
'Believe me, Titan, no one gives a crap here at Kinsley. That was 50 years ago anyway" retorted Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak to the 'blustering bullshitter.' 100% on the Geometry and Latin regents exams in 1962 doesn't mean you hit the ball with the proper angles or know how to apply English to your spin serves in 2012. Translate this in your 'jocular journal:' Your legs are as dead as that language.The proof is in today's results." Tennistitan and his Manhattan Prep classmate went toe to toe after their session as partners (6-3, 1-6) and the 'testy tortoise' was lauching an ad hominum attack against the 'gangly grouch.' "We handled 'Slats' Frank Slattery and 'Big Al' Diodati with ease in that first set, 'bombastic blowhard,' and now you want to take it out on me because 'Rockin' Rick Ricci ate our lunch when he paired with the 'coddling counselor.' "I don't seem to remember you coughing up the homework assignments in those subjects very readily back in the day. So why should I do your running on the tennis court now, wise acre. Et tu Brute! Got it? Jovial Jupiter" TennisTitan was last heard mumbling to his dog 'mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa' as he exited the court.
"Titan, you had lift off today' declared Frank 'Slats' Slattery who along with TennisTitan soared to (6-3, 6-3) victories against Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak on this crisp late autumn day at Andrus Park in Yonkers. 'We just took off with a strong tail wind behind us 'Slats' " proclaimed the Titan to an audience of no one. 'Kraut' and the 'dozin' docent' managed to get both sets even at three games apiece before they ran out of jet fuel. 'Slats' was the difference at the net. The 'bombastic blowhard ' more than held his own from the baseline against the superior fire power from the 'Teutonic taunter' and speed and superior reach of the 'gangly Gerchak'. "Your court coverage today was top notch" commented the bus driving 'German geriatric' at the end of his lunch break. "I fly Jet Blue all the time to Florida" retorted the 'jetting jerk.' They use the AirBus 360 on all their routes. So, Bobby, you know who drove the bus today, don't you? Captain Tom at the controls, partner. Frankie co-captained and provided the peanuts. Now get back to work."
"And you came home for this?' snickered Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully at the conclusion of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center this afternoon. 'EBL' and 'Russkie,' Vladimir Kartsev presided over the decimation of the TennisTitan and 'Big Al' Diodati (2-6, 1-6) in what amounted to a rude welcome home for the 'boisterous blasphemer.' "I only hope the air miles were worth it" crowed the gleeful 'Russian Bear.' "In the motherland, a beating such as you received today, Titan, would not be reported by Pravda, but would be referred privately to the Politburo as an "appropriate action was taken by the authorities to quell the obnoxious verbal outbursts of an unnamed dissident and a 'pompous patron' who were creating a public disturbance at a local tennis facility." 'Big Al' quipped, "Titan was suffering from jet lag today. He'll play better next week, but just in case, I'll bring a barf bag." 'EBL' concluded, 'Titan's game always reminds me of my last trip on TWA. He spends too much time taxiing to the ball, the speed of his serve is strictly turbo-light; he never gets enough altitude on his returns, and he's always late with his racket preparation. He'll be out of the tennis business for sure before he runs out of themes for that stupid blog. Yea, Titan is a Whining Asshole."
"This is no way to send me home, but at least I am not going home empty handed" pleaded the TennisTitan at the conclusion of play this afternoon at Brookdale Community College in Middletown, NJ. TT had just been 'smoked' by his 'naughty nephew,' Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe in their second set (0-6). "Serving you a bagel seemed most appropriate 'unctuous uncle' after you overindulged yourself at the Thanksgiving Day table. Might as well feed you today too. Your reach with your back hand should only be as good as it is across the table for a third helping of all the fixings' continued the 'vociferous victor.' "Consider yourself the beneficiary of a take home doggy bag, what with your surprising (6-3) triumph over me in the opening set. I don't know how I lost six of the last seven games to a 'bloated blowhard' who is a charter member of over eaters anonymous." "By the way Rob, I can't wait to get back to those early birds in Florida next week. Turkey will not be on the menu."
"Titan, enjoy writing that blog later" sneered 'Rockin Rick' Ricci pounding his breast after beating TennisTitan in three (3) sets of doubles this date at Kinsley Park. "Don't forget me" crowed George 'Chemist' Hauss who paired with 'RRR' in roasting TT throughout the morning. 'Happy Jack' Carey played valiantly next to the 'libertine loud mouth' all to no avail in their (3-6, 4-6) losses. We basted you with precise volleys and carved you up with our overpowering ground strokes." Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe was both baked and mashed in his (1-6) drubbing with you as his partner, Titan" "Did you ever see sausage being made" queried 'Happy Jack.' "I felt like I was going through a meat grinder the way the 'Chemist' slices the ball" continued 'HJ.' "It sure is sweet shutting you up on the court" laughed 'Rockin' Rick.' "It'd be pure gravy if we could bagel you next time." "Naughty Nephew" chuckled and said in his youthful voice, "Peas don't tease my uncle Tommy. He cranberry nasty to me when he visits me on Thanksgiving. Just be thankful that you gave him his just deserts today and had so much fun doing it."
"I just needed a taste" TennisTitan remarked at the conclusion of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center this afternoon. This, after he enjoyed a whitewashing of the 'Italian Stallion' and the 'Russian Bear' (6-0) when TT paired with Bill 'Energized Bunny Legs' Tully in the opener. Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev (aka 'Russian Bear') whined "Tom, you are too good to play with Bill" during the massacre. TennisTitan corrected the 'European emigree' with "Tom and too good should never appear in the same sentence. Vlad, maybe too achy, too annoying, too asinine, but never too adept." Indeed, your 'bombastic bullshitter' was feeling the effects of yesterday's outdoor play and used the first set to loosen up so that he could be competitive going against 'EBL' in sets two and three (2-6), 3-3 partial when TT paired with 'Big Al' Diodati (aka Italian Stallion) and the 'Krank Kartsev.' At picture time in response to 'Big Al's' reference to him feeling like he was "hit by a Mack Truck' in the first set, the 'Tullyville Trolley' opined "playing with you guys is Amateur Hour for me." TennisTitan rejoined, "Makes sense to me. Ted Mack's show was only a half hour long. Our playing time here is 90 minutes. Bill, weren't you a NYC teacher? That explains the math." To wit 'Russkie' quipped "This is why Titan you are my American Idol.'
"Damn right, Frankie! Don't pull that Ralph Kramden crap on me now" exploded the TennisTitan at the conclusion of play at the Andrus Tennis Courts this crisp fall afternoon. 'Slats' had told the Titan that he was in the market for a new doubles partner, that carrying the 'whining wimp' through another less than satisfying performance by the 'bloated blowhard' was getting just too much to take. 'Humma, humma, humma" retorted the 'bombastic bloviator' who made you Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler of the Raccoon Lodge? "Titan, you're done as a competitive tennis player. You don't know how to address the ball when it is hit right at you. It's time to take up golf" ranted Frank 'Slats' Slattery stung by the (6-7 [5]) loss to Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. "We beat these guys 6-2 on Saturday when you were somewhat motivated to run for the ball" complained the 'coddling counselor.' "Holding them to a 4-4 partial second set is just not good enough." The 'Kraut' said " I gotta go back to work. You guys, enjoy your lunch at the Chinese Buffet. Speaking of running, I've got to run to drive the commuter bus now, not Ralphie Briscoe... and 'Slats,' it's your game that is in the sewer!"
TennisTitan joined ten of his mates for a not so triumphant return to Kinsley Park this morning. Your 'not so humble tennis whore' was used and abused in three entertaining, hard fought sets. TT/'Chemist' George Hauss were spanked in the opener (2-6) by 'Happy Jack' Carey and Chris 'I Man' Ikhigbonoaremen. 'HJ'/'I Man's game was too strong for the flamed out 'bunsen burner' man and 'haughty hustler.' That was not the case when Titan hooked up with Frank 'Slats' Slattery for a (6-4) nail biter over Rich 'dozin docent' Gerchak and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. Flush off that scintillating victory TT/'Slats' attempted to take the measure of the always formidable 'Teutonic Twosome,' the 'Kraut' and the Herr (with no hair) Carl the anonymous Gas Man. After a fast two love start the 'Irish Idiots' were bulldozed (2-6) by a revivified 'AGM' and the blitzkrieging 'Kraut.' "We beat the Panzer off you micks" crowed the 'Germanic Jerks' as they celebrated their sweeping the last six games of the set with a traditional 'teutonic two-step.'
"Titan, do you have a permit for that concealed weapon" whimpered 'Big Al' Diodati after the second of three sets played at the Yonkers Tennis Center this date. TennisTitan rolled out the big guns in the decimation of the 'Italian Stallion' and Rich 'dozin docent' Gerchak (6-0, 6-1). Indeed, after a one month absence from the courts while in Florida the 'peripatetic prevaricator' came back hunting for bear, as in the 'Russian Bear.' TennisTitan was recruited to play along side Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev and was treated to a strong offensive performance by the 'munificent Muscovite.' "Titan, I'm not talking about your play being a weapon, but Vlad was making more quality shots than Obama had dead people voting for him and you know that 'Russkie' seldom shows us that arsenal" contributed the 'dozin' docent.' "It took Rick and I two sets to wake up" snipped 'Big Al,' delighted in the fact that they took the final set (3-6), winning four of the final five games. "Titan, look at it this way," explained the 'Russian Bear.' "You ran out of gas just like hurricane Sandy did to everyone in the area, and I ran out of ammo like Romney did after the first debate." "Sorry Vlad, not good enough," retorted TT. "Next week I play with Ben Gazzi as my partner."
"Uncle unctuous,' exclaimed the 'Jersey Bomber' at the conclusion of play at Kinsley Park this morning, "I wanted to make sure that you had pleasant thoughts about your last match in Yonkers before you faced that 1100 mile drive to Florida next week." "I felt the same Rob, even though your drive to Yonkers is only 60 miles each way" rejoined the 'boastful braggart. After your effort in the first set you deserved the sweet taste of victory too." Indeed the 'Briscoe Bobsy Twins' did just that in the annihilation of 'Rockin' Rick Ricci and Mike 'not so stellar' Stella (6-1). "Do you think the Rostapangs think all us white guys look like" queried the 'petulant pedagogue' to his 'naughty nephew.' "Maybe they might confuse us with the Bryan brothers the way we performed in the fantastically competitive (10-8) opener. Your play with 'Wondrous Wally' Rostapang was notable, 'Jersey Bomber' but I wisely paired with his quicker wife, Manchu" continued the 'extolling egotist.' "I guess you were the 'Manchurian Candidate.' today, TennisTitan. It was before my time but I heard it was a great movie" countered the 'Monmouth Mensch."
"But Tutor, it's the start of a new year for you. It would have been a perfect beginning... an incredible upset but..." lamented the lame-ass libertine.' "Titan, you fail at so many things at life. Why should this be any different" counseled the 'taunting tutor.' Up 5-3 in games with a chance to serve it out against Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully and Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev, TennisTitan couldn't get it done as he and Max 'Tutor' Tuchman dropped the final four games of set one to lose (5-7). 'EBL' tried to console the 'flatulating fool' by noting that TT had played the set of his life and had continued so in the second set (3-4 partial) and had nothing to be ashamed of, except of course, his assinine behavior on the court. Titan had his flat forehand down the line working, his backhand lob over the opponent's left shoulder on target, shown some pop on his serve, and had gotten to many more balls than usual, extending rallies - all for naught. 'Tutor' attemped to soften the disappointment for the 'disconsolate doofus' by offering his insight: "We got bupkes, stop kvetching Titan! I could just plotz the way I played. You usually play like a shlemiel, today you were a mentsh and played your tuches off. I will tell my Sandy when we nosh later, that we were shlimazeled. Yenta that she is, the entire Landing will know about our tsuris before I finish my tsvey knish. Oy veh, I am giving the goyim a yiddisher kop." To wit, EBL' said, mazel tov, Max. 'Russkie' deadpanned, "What mishegas! 'Shalom' my friends as he walked away.
"Prezzie, you're God awful, over hitting your forehand and hitting your backhand forever into the net" whined the 'wanton wimp' after three hours of play. TennisTitan drew the short straw this Saturday and paired with 'El Prezidente,' Rich Prezioso in three error filled sets at Kinsley. The twosome managed to split a pair of sets (6-2, 3-6) against George 'Chemist' Hauss and 'Rockin' Rick Ricci. 'RRR' had paired with 'Happy Jack' Carey in the opener and secured a (4-6) victory over TT/'Prez' that really rankled the 'loathsome lard ass.' "Of course your blog will ignore your significant contribution to our defeat" reasoned the 'maven of the Manor' Briarcliff at picture time. "You complain that I don't set my feet or adequately prepare my racket before striking the ball. You neglect to mention that your feet might as well be set in concrete when you flail at the ball, 'myopic misanthrope.' "And your idea of racket preparation would seem to be changing it from the right hand to the left hand because you're too damn slow to even try and run around your woefully weak back hand" continued 'El Prezidente.' And quoting that infamous, riot starting, drunken Rodney King, Titan opined, "Prezzie, can't we all just get along" as he packed his tennis bag.
"Max, let me at least buy your seat in the temple" insisted the TennisTitan. "Titan, first why don't you buy a can of balls at Kinsley before shooting off your mouth" defended 'Big Al' Diodati. "I got it" chimed in Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs" Tully. "Titan buys the seat, Max buys the balls and 'Big Al' buys himself some glasses; then we'll all be happy." The group was a little testy at the Yonkers Tennis Center this date. TT/'EBL' opened with a (6-1) thrashing of Max 'Tutor' Tuchman and 'Big Al' only to be bageled by 'EBL'/'Tutor' combo in the second set. "Italian Stallion', I could have used some of your bad calls when you paired with me; (0-6) is horrendous, even if the 'Tutor' claims more power with a newly strung racket. He's still playing with that rickety 75 year old body" retorted the 'blasphemous bullshitter." 'EBL' reminded the group, "that's just another misstatement of the facts that Max will be atoning for next week... it's like a grain of sand on the beach he sits on down in Boca in the winter." "And I suppose, you don't think it's a lie Titan, when you claim we played well together in the third set (3-4 partial)" rejoined 'Tutor.'
TennisTitan joined the 'Gazelle' Clarence Williams, making a rare early Saturday morning appearance at Kinsley in a tightly contested first set against the 'Teutonic twosome,' Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and Carl 'the anonymous Gas Man.' In a set marked with long rallies featuring crisp volleys and precise lobs that had the players continually scrambling for and adjusting their on court positions 'Kraut'/'Gas Man' prevailed (3-6). The ever 'gracious Gazelle' sat out his second opportunity to pair with the Titan, deferring to the always less than gracious (at picture time) 'Dave the Rave' who shuns the camera lens, but never the baseline rallies. The (6-3) victory orchestrated by TT/'Dave the Rave' over Mike 'not so stellar' Stella and Chris 'I-man' Ikhigbonoaremen proved that good defensive play can often overcome superior offensive fire power. "The Hausa, Yoruba, Igbo are the dominant tribes in my native land, Titan, you are the spiritual leader of the Kinsley tribe. It's not your play, but rather your mouth and enthusiasm that dominates here"chided a despondent 'I-man.' To wit Titan quipped, 'Chris, don't worry, your talent on the tennis court already exceeds mine. However, I think I am funnier than that has-been Don Imus on the radio."
"How in hell can I expect to win under these circumstances" lamented the 'lumbering loud mouth' at the conclusion of his first day of play this new season at the Yonkers Tennis Center. It was the usual beat down for the TennisTitan going up against birthday boy, Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully and partners Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev (1-6) and 'Big Al' Diodati (3-6). "With both the 'Russian Bear' and the 'Italian Stallion' sharing tomorrow, Sept. 14th as their birthdays, I felt you guys were throwing a party at my expense," whined the 'whipped wimp.' "Titan, are you suggesting that if Bill had you as a partner that maybe neither Vlad nor I would have had any reason to celebrate" questioned the 'indominable Italian.' "Hell, no" retorted the always 'jubilant jackass.' "When I play against you 'Big Al,' it always reminds me of my birthday as a kid. We used to play 'pin the tail on the donkey and blind man's bluff' before the cake. You know, when you have to guess, because you can't see...oh, those line calls you make at 83 - you still won't wear glasses on the court."
