"Hey, they accused me of being a 'walker' on the court before the operation. I'll have new 'wheels' in he spring. Maybe I'll become the TennisTrotter."
"And he thinks he's happy that he's going home" nurse Margie was telling her relief, nurse Kimmy as the gurney was wheeled to the elevator by the ambulance team. The Patient Care Assistants in attendance were high fiving one another as they began to check the unit stat board on the 7th floor of the Hospital for Special Surgery, to see who had won their informal pool. "I administered the most" declared the Chinese born Noy who notched four. "But mine lasted the longest and he never made it to the bathroom" insisted the Tibetan, Nyima, who settled for three commode opportunities in Titan's 11 day hospitalization. Big, burly Sean, who could have been a nose tackle at Penn State, quipped, "but my three generated the greatest volume and I work third shift. What fun! I wake him up. He thinks he's to get pain killers, instead he gets another type of pain." The Ukrainian head nurse, Katya asked, "Titan who should get your "Asshole Artist Award?" Tell us before you go. We won't see your sad, sorry, albeit sore butt again" "Sorry guys," retorted Titan, "you're all great, but anesthetist nurse, Joyce in I.C.U. takes homes the bronze bedpan. She administered that noxious enematic Neostigmine two days ago downstairs. She brought me back from a cold, clammy, white tunnel when my heart beat dropped from 72 bpm to 30bpm in 90 seconds with a quick injection of Atropine. Can't help but love a girl who monitors a guy's heart. The staff here are all winners." Vladimir, the discharge nurse, turned to Dr.Weinberg, resident gastroenterologist, and bemoaned "Damn, I forgot to note persistent diarrhea of the mouth on Titan's plan."
"The TennisTitan could be my greatest challenge. Listening to him prattle on as the anesthesia takes hold will surely tax my concentration. Does he really think I believe 'Becker and Graf winning Wimbledon in '89 was the happiest day in his life?"
"This man has to be kidding, surgical team. I simply told him that by giving him two total knee replacements that he would gain one-quarter to a half inch in height. How does he now conclude that he will gain stature on the court among his friends? That only comes with effective play and it remains to be seen if he will run for the ball come spring. No way that I can improve that erratic first serve or those bricks he volleys. I do not do miracles, only precise reconstructions of knees. Ja, the TennisTitan is a dummkopf."
"Titan, I think it fitting that you choose to blog your season opening indoor play opportunity at the Yonkers Tennis Center. It's deja vu all over again with your two set losses to 'Big Al' Diodati and Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully (5-7, 3-6)" commented Max 'Tutor' Tuchman. "Yeah, prince of pusillanimity,' don't forget to tell your readers that you and the 'sartorially splendid septuagenarian' were up 5-4 in the first set before you dropped the ball and lost the final three games" continued 'EBL' at picture time. "Go easy on the 'bloated blowhard' quipped the 'Italian Stallion.' The Titan has lost more than a step with his worsening knee woes. We need him to show up at Kinsley on Saturdays." "Big Al'' countered the Titan "I can't motivate myself to blog those recent Saturday matches I played in.
This is my first visit to my site in nearly 2 months. I am gratified that somehow I received over three hundred hits in the interim... thank you faithful readers.... those of you who have seen me at Kinsley recently are aware that I hurt myself significantly on June 28th... the ordinary aches and pains did not subside as usual. New pain under the left patella persists and has resulted in me changing my gait which has put stress on all sorts of joints and muscles that had not previously been major problems. I decided to rest my knees for several weeks with an extended Florida vacation on the horizon this summer... Living in Florida I did not have to deal with steps as I do in Yonkers or the temptation to play when I was not feeling 'Titanic.' However, I attempted to play last Saturday and realized that I was probably doing further damage to myself. I will be seeing an orthopaedic surgeon on Friday. I am prepared to follow his advice. I am hopeful that an arthroscopic procedure and/or physical therapy will get me back out there.
"Titan, you may have pain from playing too much, but let me assure you, you cause more pain to us because you play at all" chorused the trio of George 'Chemist' Hauss, 'Rockin' Rick Ricci and 'Dave the Rave.' "We each had to carry you for a set against the other two and damn near broke our backs running for balls you should have had" lamented 'Dave the Rave' who paired with the 'bombastic blowhard' in the third and final set (4-6). 'Dave you're just pissed because Titan had enough game for us to eke out our (6-4) victory against you and the 'Chemist' responded 'RRR.' "Don't you guys notice that TennisTitan is always at his best in the opening set" commented the 'Chemist' who clearly benefitted from the 40 ounces of coffee jacking up the 'lethargic libertine's energy level in the opener (6-2). 'Rave' it's like this, retorted the 'aching asshole.' "I was a fan of Rudyard Kipling back in HS. You know his poem "The White Man's Burden." This little ditty is my tribute to you "No one here is rich, so playing with Titan is a bitch. I don't want to hear your lecture, until you let me take your picture. So now be nice and smile for a photo op, or the 'Black Man's Burden' will never stop."
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| "I demand a rematch." |
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| "Maybe he'll write about the restaurant instead" |
"Prezzie, I hope you're collecting the air miles" quipped the 'loathsome lardass' at plays conclusion. TennisTitan and 'El Prezidente,' Rich Prezioso resumed their annual battle at the Law Memorial Courts in Briarcliff Manor this afternoon. The two Lincoln HS compadres have been playing singles on the clay in the tony Westchester community once or twice per year over the past decade and one- half. Always at stake is the post match luncheon tab at Squires Restaurant in the upscale community. "Prezzie, the usual deal: Three sets; I win all three, you buy. You win two, I buy. You win one, it's dutch" and the game was on. Over the years the health educator has improved his chances of victory, being more physically fit and raising his game with increased play at Kinsley. TennisTitan has struggled to remain competitive against his peers on the singles court as mobility factors and stamina continue to reduce his effectiveness. "Strategy and execution are my forte" boasted the 'braggadocious blogger' after the (6-2, 6-2, 6-1) dismantling. "Too bad Squires is not like some Chinese buffets. You've bought me so many lunches over the years, it's time you get a free one somehow." As the boys adjourned for their libation and burgers at Squires 'Prez' opined to a befuddled waitress, "Shit, I feel like Evelyn Tangredi today (former principal at Lincoln). She tried for five years to get a days work out of her 'pompous pychologist' and got 'nada.' I just spent two hours in 85 degree temperature and 90 degree humidity and couldn't make you work either." To wit Titan turned to the perplexed server and said, "In honor of my friends chances and because we will be using his American Express card, 'I'll have the Blue Moon on draught, please." "Just once" sighed 'Prez' "that's all I'm asking for" as he looked skyward.
"Titan, this was my fifth set of the morning, what are you whining about" beamed a happy 'Rockin' Rick Ricci. The 'Rock' had teamed with Bob 'Kraut' Kluge in his third and final set (1-6)facing the 'bulbous buffoon' and Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "I feel like I just ate at Friendly's and this was my 'happy ending desert' continued the septuagenarian. "Carrying Titan through our (6-2, 7-6 [6]) victories against 'Happy Jack' Carey, and then 'Big Al' DioDati was the equivalent of a five-setter for me" responded 'Slats.' TennisTitan retorted, 'Rick, you went up the ladder when you teamed with a relatively fresh 'Der Klugemeister' against us. That was only the 'Kraut's second set and he was still smarting from his double loss with me from last week." "That bodes well for me" opined 'Slats.' It should be 'Rock's turn to play as your partner next Saturday then." "Hell no" quipped the 'pusillanimous prevaricator.' "The 'Rock' has yet to beat me in singles, try as he might, over the years. But I know he'd beat me in one thing if we were on the same side of the net." "What's that?" inquired the 'teutonic taunter.' "No contest! He out talks me every Saturday" offered the 'trash-talking' tease.
"Are you sure you didn't leave your game in Pittsburgh'' asked The Jersey Bomber? The brash Briscoe was feeling his oats now having come away with a double victory in this mornings matches played at Kinsley. Rob Briscoe teamed with George 'Chemist' Hauss for three impressive sets on this dreary, wet Saturday. TennisTitan and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge were outplayed (3-6, 6-7 [3]) by the tandem who performed near the top of their game throughout the morning. "Titan, it's understandable that you couldn't hold that 5-2 lead in the second set. You've been on the road the past three weeks visiting five major league ballparks as you traipsed across the country from Denver to New York. You've been sitting on your ass for 2300 miles, what's another two and one-half hours on the tennis court." "But Bomber, I'm bummed. It's not the 2300 miles. It's that today was 'Kraut's birthday and instead of getting a gift, he gave away that second set!' "So Titan, then you don't take any responsibility for the loss?" queried the 'Bomber.' "Hell, no! It's only because I left after two sets, and Carl the 'Anonymous Gas Man' took my place alongside of the 'Kraut' that he got a win (6-4) against you and the 'Chemist.' That was my gift to him."
"No self-respecting Italian woman would have put up with his blarney. Right, Rosalie?
'Give me a break, Titan. You are a muttonhead' wailed 'Rockin' Rick Ricci as the victorious tandem of Tennistitan and Frank 'Slats' Slattery proclaimed 'any day is a great day to be Irish' as they entered the pizza parlor, a short walk from Kinsley. "You donkeys eat mutton as a staple in Irish stew, Shepherd's Pie, and ballyhoo about the likes of blood pudding and your Irish soda bread." "We Italians have a cuisine that is highly desired all over the world, not just by the rummies slurping their Bailey's Irish Cream as they stumbled out of Rory Dolan's or the Rambling House at 4AM in your neighborhood" continued Mike 'not so stellar' Stella. 'RRR'/'not so Stella' were smarting from their third straight loss (6-2, 6-4, 6-2) to 'Slats'/'TT - the one that the pizza lunch bill hinged on and were in no mood for pleasantries. 'Slat's remarked, "Caphones! Titan and I recognize your culinary contributions, especially with the antipasti; that is why we gave you the (3-6) opening set loss as an appetizer, whetting your appetite. Unfortunately for you, it was cold antipasto- just as your game would become as the morning wore on. Titan then turned to 'Slats' and said, "Next time we play these wops, we'll go easy on them. I think the guineas might have invented Guinness Stout and just misspelled the name."
"Titan, have your little moment of glory. After all it is your blog - but tell them the first set 'your opponents played without racquets."
"Titan, that first set reminded me of my boyhood back in mother Russia in 1956" opined Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. "That was the year that Soviet tanks crushed the Hungarian Revolution in a nanosecond. Our demolition of 'Big Al' DioDati and Max 'Tutor' Tuchman (6-0) in the opener with us losing but 6 points in the 20 minute set was as devastating. Even playing with the 'Tullyville Trolley' regularly, I never experienced such domination of an opponent. Playing with the Titan gave me the same tingling in my legs that Chris Matthews gets when he listens to Obama." "Vlad, then what happened in the 2nd set" interjected an irritated 'Big Al.' "You lost that one (3-6)." "Very true 'Italian Stallion,' that was more like the US/Soviet race to the moon." "And I suppose the (6-4) victory you enjoyed with the 'lumbering loud mouth' in the finale was some other Soviet triumph" quipped the 'Tutor.' "Nyet" shot back the relieved emigre. "That we prevailed in a close contest is the story of my life. I came to America as a middle aged man, struggled to make business contacts and learn the language and have had some financial success in this great country that I would not have had under communism." "Wow, said Titan, and that struggle was like our effort to win that last set. I am honored to be part of that allegory.That's beautiful." "Don't be, responded 'Russkie, 'I realized that when my legs began to shake in the third set it was because I was excited that this was the end of the indoor season and I would not have to see my name in your insufferable blog or listen to your wretched voice for six months."
"Titan, our comeback today from 0-4 down in the first set was almost as good as the one I pulled off with 'Slats' on Saturday (1-5 to 7-5) against 'Kraut' and 'not Espn.' But you're right it feels so good beating Frank Slattery whether you are coming from behind or leading from the first ball toss" opined El Prezidente, Rich Pezioso at plays conclusion at Kinsley this windy Tuesday. "Why so?" queried 'Slats' partner for today's double defeat (7-5, 6-4) Dave 'Whirling Dervish' McDonald. "Dave, it's simple. Titan and I are Medicare Men, we retired from that boondoggle 10 years ago. You and 'Slats' are still sucking up paychecks from the Yonkers Board of Education. We know what it is to work on the court, you are employed by a bloated bureaucracy. The 'coddling counselor' writes college recommendations all day while you flash slide projections of amoeba and paramecium on the screen as your students sleep" countered 'Prez.' "But Prez, Dave is a distinguished chair of the science program at the prestigious I.B. (International Baccalaureate) program at Yonkers High. He's held in high regard by students, faculty, and administration" answered 'Slats.' "Nonsense!" retorted the Titan. The 'Whirling Dervish' is a hydra at net, flailing his arms at balls whizzing by him. He needs to regenerate his tennis game, not his arms to be on the same court as me. And as for you, you flimsy venetian blind part, you should be saying: "I be wanting 'El Prezidente' as my partner the next time we play."
"That's 'Big Daddy' slinking away. I think he's embarrassed he almost lost to us."
"Who can blame him. Not many of us want our picture taken after losing so resoundingly to you" retorted George 'Chemist' Hauss. "Chemist'/TT has just hammered Carl the 'anonymous Gas Man' and Mike not so stellar' Stella in the final set of the morning (6-1) when the Gas Man walked off in a huff, rejecting his picture being taken. The 'accomplished accordionist' had his squeeze box flattened in short order and didn't want to face the music at picture time. "He's a sensitive guy Titan, but you can take mine twice" contributed a far more gracious 'not so stellar' who had fallen victim to the tandem of 'Chemist'/TT (6-0) when paired with 'Happy Jack' Carey earlier in the morning. "We played our best tennis in the set we lost" added the 'Bunsen Burner.' "Dropping the opener in a tiebreak (6-7 [3]) to 'Dave the Rave' and 'Dave 'Big Daddy' Lipscomb speaks well of our ability. 'Big Daddy' has a game to suit his mammoth size and the 'Rave' is like a Black Labrador in his ability to retrieve" continued the 'Chemist.' "But they wouldn't let me take a picture either" countered the Titan. "Perhaps by wining so narrowly against the likes of you, 'bloated blowhard,' they considered it a loss" observed 'Happy Jack.' "I just don't get it" said the TennisTitan. "Get what?" refrained the 'Chemist.' "I put my digital camera on the 'black and white' setting when I saw who our opponents would be."
The phone rang persistently from a NJ number on Tuesday morning May 3rd before the Titan decided he better pick it up. TennisTitan was being called to task by the 'Jersey Bomber.' "What's up old man? I display my finest tennis this past Saturday at Kinsley and you choose somehow not to blog it," queried a 'naughty nephew.' "I travel 120 miles round trip to be your legs in those (6-2, 6-4) victories over 'Happy Jack' Carey and Stuart 'not Espn' Scott and your arthritic fingers can't find the keyboard. The crew knows you're slow as molasses on the court but usually very quick on the blog write up. Now you're telling me you're fresh out of ideas to explain your (2-6) opening set pounding by George 'Chemist' Hauss and 'Dave the Rave." "Why don't you just tell your readers that I couldn't get to the park until 10:30 and so you were stuck with 'Hapless Jack' as your partner in that one. And don't forget to mention that while you sat your sorry, fat ass on the bench I proceeded to win my final two sets (6-0, 6-2) with partners 'Dave the Rave' and the 'Chemist' crowed Rob "Jersey Bomber' Briscoe.
"Can't you just picture him in a John Le Carr novel... the document dump...the missile secrets... a double agent assassin. Scary!"
"Now listen. I've been a Jew almost 75 years. I know more about the Haggadah than someone who converted 75 minutes ago."
"Titan, with an inch of rain expected later today, your tears now won't make a bit of difference" crowed 'Big Al' Diodati who with George 'Chemist' Hauss held on to win the final set (6-7 [6]) in a nail biting finish. It was fitting that the most competitive set of this dreary, windy Saturday morning would involve TennisTitan pairing with 'su amigo' Joe 'Gimpy Knees Cruz. Trailing 2-4 the Puerto Rican dandy showed flashes of his once dominant ability at Kinsley. GK's power forehand and crisp volleys had put TT in a position to close it out leading 6-5 in the finale. But three times the 'Italian Stallion' faced set point on his serve, only to survive and force the breaker. Down 1-5 in the tiebreaker TT/GK rallied to gain another set point that was also squandered just prior to a 'Chemist' put-away of TT's return of a well placed Diodati serve. In typical Titan fashion the 'egotistical egomaniac' attempted to bask in the 'stallion's shadow' at picture time reminding the 'Chemist' that TT had led 'Big Al' to a smashing (6-1) triumph over the tandem of the Sab 'Koide Kid' and Frank 'Slats' Slattery in the opening set. "Need I remind you, 'otiose oaf,' that Senor Cruz and I roasted your plantains (1-6) when you and the 'Italian Stallion' faced real opposition in the second set" retorted the 'Bunsen Burner'
