"Take it easy 'Rock,' it'll happen someday. Someday you'll beat me in singles. Just not today." was the churlish comment made by the 'insipid idiot' as the group met for final pictures. 'Rockin' Rick Ricci was beside himself having bought the trifecta this morning at Kinsley. "I played so well earlier this week at the Tennis Center...how the hell did I lose all three sets today. And no less having a bagel (6-0) stuffed down my throat by the 'prevaricating provocateur.' Titan then reminded 'RRR,' "Sab is eleven years older than you Rock, and I can't beat him. You're 11 years older than me. Doesn't it make sense you can't beat me. See the symmetry in it all." TT/'RRR' had fallen (2-6) as partners to the'Kraut'/'Koide Kid' to open the day's play. "But the 'anonymous Gas Man' is a much stronger player than you, 'bombastic blowhard.' If I played my usual game Carl and I figured to beat the tandem of TT/'Chemist' (6-4) in the final set. "That's the problem Rick. You can't figure this game. The 'Chemist' played like he had propane in his jets today and the Titan had high octane in his tank this morning; so winning for me was at a premium. You just paid the price."
"Titan, today you displayed graciousness on the court" beamed Max 'Tutor' Tuchman to the 'ebullient egotist.' "Hell, Max you're so old you had a brain fart and showed up to play - even though you weren't scheduled to be in today's foursome - you should blame the schedule maker" retorted TennisTitan. "But that'd be me" answered 'Tutor.' "Exactly" re-posited the 'arrogant antagonist'.' "And you would've gotten plenty of blame from me had we lost that set to 'Big Al' Diodati and Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. (7-6 [3]). We were in the hole 1-4 before you got your mind off I-95 and made a few plays at net. I was beginning to second guess my generosity in allowing you to play the first set in my stead. You even made 'EBL' Tully work in the opening set victory you had over the 'Italian Stallion' and the 'Russian Bear (6-3)." "TennisTitan, or TT if you allow me, I may be the 'Tutor' but you are more aptly named my 'Tutee" chuckled a 'mawkish Max'.
"Titan, instead of buying indulgences perhaps you should purchase something to steady your nerves," So quipped Bob 'Kraut' Kluge at the conclusion of the tiebreaker in which he routed TT seven - zero to take the set (6-7). "And no self-respecting Lutheran is going to be intimidated by a ne'er do well wearing a seventeen year old t-shirt with the likeness of a dead pope emblazoned on it." Titan had given the 'heckling heretic' all he could handle in the 65 minute set. Indeed the 'Catholic choker' served for the set twice at 5-4, and 6-5 only to be broken by the 'Germanic gyro.' "TennisTitan, you must Reform your game. Your salvation on and off the tennis court can only come through the grace of God (and maybe a few more unforced errors by me). Here's my Thesis, even though it's only one, not 95 like Martin Luther demanded: Go on a Diet of Worms: you'll wiggle out of difficulty easier as you slither around the court and as an added benefit we won't excommunicate you from Kinsley."
"Kraut, I don't blog sets that are not played to completion" was the Titan's response. "Der Klugmeister had given his all as TennisTitan's partner in the set that ended (5-5) against Carl the 'anonymous Gasman' and George 'Chemist Hauss. "But Titan" continued the 'Teutonic dynamo' we came from 1-5 down in the breaker to win the eleventh and deciding game by taking six points in a row. Can't you report about that, if not boast about it?" "Sorry Kraut, beating the 'Chemist/'Big Al' Diodati tandem (6-3) in the first set with 'Rockin' Rick Ricci at my side will have to satisfy my readers that the 'bombastic blowhard' played some terrific tennis today."
"Freedom isn't free" trumpeted the TennisTitan as he trundled off the court at the Yonkers Tennis Center. "But you're as cheap as they come anyway" chirped the Italian Stallion, 'Big Al' Diodati. Titan had just enjoyed the fruits of having paired with Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully in a second set (6-0) thrashing of the Italian Stallion and Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. 'Big Al' was pissed because, unlike the 'Russian Bear' who in the first set had enjoyed a (2-6) triumph over the Titan with 'EBL," 'Big Al' could only claim a two (0-2) game lead against the TT/'Russkie' tandem when time expired. "Comrades" interjected the 'ebullient emigre,' I can assure that 'Freedom isn't free.' I had to pay the 'State' 1,500,000 rubles to leave the motherland in '92...and it has been worth every asinine moment I have had to spend with the Titan since."
"That's more like it" tooted the 'bloviating bullshitter' as he headed to the bench to collect his camera. TennisTitan and George 'Chemist' Hauss had just completed their daily double by sweeping both sets played on this crisp early spring morning at Kinsley Park. 'Big Al' Diodati and Frank 'Slats' Slattery, no doubt seeing the handwriting on the wall exited the park midway through the Titan/'Chemist' (7-5) victory over Carl the 'anonymous Gas Man' and Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak. "Frankie, Titan is in mid season form. We might as well leave now. We've got no chance in a rematch" commented the Italian Stallion still smarting from their (6-3) opening set loss to TT/'Chemist.' "Big Al,' there's only one way to beat that 'ludicrous loud mouth' when he's on a roll - either cut his vocal chords or steal his camera...in this case, let's just get out of here before he takes our picture."
TennisTitan returned to the Yonkers Tennis Center this date after an extensive absence. He joined regulars 'Big Al' Diodati, Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev, and Bill "Energizer Bunny Legs" Tully in three eminently forgettable and predictable sets. "I feel like I am stuck in a revolving door" lamented 'Big Al' who suffered an opening set loss along side the 'bombastic blowhard' (1-6). "It's like a winter day in the Gulag" critiqued the 'Russian Bear' after succumbing (1-6) next to the 'noxious nerd.' "You guys are full of crap. This is invigorating" crowed the 'prevaricating protagonist' when he paired with 'EBL' in the (6-2) finale. As the foursome left the court the 'Tullyville Trolley' remarked "I feel like I just watched Groundhog Day for the eighty third time."
"A bit tacky, wouldn't you say Jono" remarked Nick 'the Quick' Davis to his partner Jonathan Coleman at the completion of play at King Albert Park in South Melbourne this evening." "This bloke has been here a fortnight and all we've heard from him is 'Titan this, Titan that...let's play tennis' retorted 'Jonkeroo' to his mate. "He's got more piss in him than any Sydneysider this side of Bondi. I'd say Titan's comments boomeranged on him as evidenced by his poor results, mate" commented the man known as the 'Hobbit' to his house mates in Carleton. "Don't have a 'cranky' quipped Russ 'Hoya Saxa' Briscoe to his work mates at Meltwater. The ol' man did contribute a middy in our (6-3) first set victory over you Aussies." "But then the Titan went on a walkabout" crowed 'Nick the Quick' in his best Bilbo Baggins voice." "London to a brick.!" "The Titan is nothing more than an earbasher" exclaimed a 'jovial Jonkeroo.' "He's not the full quid' if the TennisTitan thinks he can spin a first set win into a successful night of tennis. The bloke won only two games in the next three sets (1-6, 1-6, 0-6). "Bilbo, if you'd had gotten off your date in the last set and played half as well as you did with Jonkeroo I wouldn't feel so stonkered whined the 'yabbeing yobbo Yank.' The Titan is nothing more than what we Aussies call a 'Figjam' but we knew that before the first ball. "At least he gave it a "fair go" rationalized 'Hoya Saxa' "No worries, mate, anytime TennisTitan wants to pay for the court, it's a ripper of a day!" chorused the Wizards of Oz. "Just tell him not to play 'footy!'
TennisTitan has the wonderful opportunity to spend Christmas and New Year's with my son Russell in California. Russ has been working in Australia this past year and I am very excited to spend quality time with him. I will return to Australia with him for the month of January and eagerly look forward to my time in Sydney and Melbourne. Tennis fans, look carefully; you'll surely see me at the Australian Open and, God willing, talking some unsuspecting mate in a local park into a set or two.
"Titan, this is the way you end your year?" queried 'Big Al' Diadati. A (1-6) loss to Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully and me is nothing to be ashamed about. It happens all the time." But remember when I was your partner in the first set you won two games (2-6). Does that make me twice the player that Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev is?" posited the 'Italian Stallion.' "Wait a minute" interrupted 'EBL.' Titan and I were hammering you guys three love (3-0 partial) when time expired. That 'loud mouth libertine' will be contending in his blog that he is half the player I am because he won three games (not 6) and is infinitely better than either of you two because he lost none with me as his partner" opined the Tullyville Trolley. To wit TennisTitan responded, "Bill you're a mathematical genius even if you don't know the difference between infinity and infinitely."
'Believe me, Titan, no one gives a crap here at Kinsley. That was 50 years ago anyway" retorted Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak to the 'blustering bullshitter.' 100% on the Geometry and Latin regents exams in 1962 doesn't mean you hit the ball with the proper angles or know how to apply English to your spin serves in 2012. Translate this in your 'jocular journal:' Your legs are as dead as that language.The proof is in today's results." Tennistitan and his Manhattan Prep classmate went toe to toe after their session as partners (6-3, 1-6) and the 'testy tortoise' was lauching an ad hominum attack against the 'gangly grouch.' "We handled 'Slats' Frank Slattery and 'Big Al' Diodati with ease in that first set, 'bombastic blowhard,' and now you want to take it out on me because 'Rockin' Rick Ricci ate our lunch when he paired with the 'coddling counselor.' "I don't seem to remember you coughing up the homework assignments in those subjects very readily back in the day. So why should I do your running on the tennis court now, wise acre. Et tu Brute! Got it? Jovial Jupiter" TennisTitan was last heard mumbling to his dog 'mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa' as he exited the court.
"Titan, you had lift off today' declared Frank 'Slats' Slattery who along with TennisTitan soared to (6-3, 6-3) victories against Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak on this crisp late autumn day at Andrus Park in Yonkers. 'We just took off with a strong tail wind behind us 'Slats' " proclaimed the Titan to an audience of no one. 'Kraut' and the 'dozin' docent' managed to get both sets even at three games apiece before they ran out of jet fuel. 'Slats' was the difference at the net. The 'bombastic blowhard ' more than held his own from the baseline against the superior fire power from the 'Teutonic taunter' and speed and superior reach of the 'gangly Gerchak'. "Your court coverage today was top notch" commented the bus driving 'German geriatric' at the end of his lunch break. "I fly Jet Blue all the time to Florida" retorted the 'jetting jerk.' They use the AirBus 360 on all their routes. So, Bobby, you know who drove the bus today, don't you? Captain Tom at the controls, partner. Frankie co-captained and provided the peanuts. Now get back to work."
"And you came home for this?' snickered Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully at the conclusion of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center this afternoon. 'EBL' and 'Russkie,' Vladimir Kartsev presided over the decimation of the TennisTitan and 'Big Al' Diodati (2-6, 1-6) in what amounted to a rude welcome home for the 'boisterous blasphemer.' "I only hope the air miles were worth it" crowed the gleeful 'Russian Bear.' "In the motherland, a beating such as you received today, Titan, would not be reported by Pravda, but would be referred privately to the Politburo as an "appropriate action was taken by the authorities to quell the obnoxious verbal outbursts of an unnamed dissident and a 'pompous patron' who were creating a public disturbance at a local tennis facility." 'Big Al' quipped, "Titan was suffering from jet lag today. He'll play better next week, but just in case, I'll bring a barf bag." 'EBL' concluded, 'Titan's game always reminds me of my last trip on TWA. He spends too much time taxiing to the ball, the speed of his serve is strictly turbo-light; he never gets enough altitude on his returns, and he's always late with his racket preparation. He'll be out of the tennis business for sure before he runs out of themes for that stupid blog. Yea, Titan is a Whining Asshole."
"This is no way to send me home, but at least I am not going home empty handed" pleaded the TennisTitan at the conclusion of play this afternoon at Brookdale Community College in Middletown, NJ. TT had just been 'smoked' by his 'naughty nephew,' Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe in their second set (0-6). "Serving you a bagel seemed most appropriate 'unctuous uncle' after you overindulged yourself at the Thanksgiving Day table. Might as well feed you today too. Your reach with your back hand should only be as good as it is across the table for a third helping of all the fixings' continued the 'vociferous victor.' "Consider yourself the beneficiary of a take home doggy bag, what with your surprising (6-3) triumph over me in the opening set. I don't know how I lost six of the last seven games to a 'bloated blowhard' who is a charter member of over eaters anonymous." "By the way Rob, I can't wait to get back to those early birds in Florida next week. Turkey will not be on the menu."
"Titan, enjoy writing that blog later" sneered 'Rockin Rick' Ricci pounding his breast after beating TennisTitan in three (3) sets of doubles this date at Kinsley Park. "Don't forget me" crowed George 'Chemist' Hauss who paired with 'RRR' in roasting TT throughout the morning. 'Happy Jack' Carey played valiantly next to the 'libertine loud mouth' all to no avail in their (3-6, 4-6) losses. We basted you with precise volleys and carved you up with our overpowering ground strokes." Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe was both baked and mashed in his (1-6) drubbing with you as his partner, Titan" "Did you ever see sausage being made" queried 'Happy Jack.' "I felt like I was going through a meat grinder the way the 'Chemist' slices the ball" continued 'HJ.' "It sure is sweet shutting you up on the court" laughed 'Rockin' Rick.' "It'd be pure gravy if we could bagel you next time." "Naughty Nephew" chuckled and said in his youthful voice, "Peas don't tease my uncle Tommy. He cranberry nasty to me when he visits me on Thanksgiving. Just be thankful that you gave him his just deserts today and had so much fun doing it."
"I just needed a taste" TennisTitan remarked at the conclusion of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center this afternoon. This, after he enjoyed a whitewashing of the 'Italian Stallion' and the 'Russian Bear' (6-0) when TT paired with Bill 'Energized Bunny Legs' Tully in the opener. Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev (aka 'Russian Bear') whined "Tom, you are too good to play with Bill" during the massacre. TennisTitan corrected the 'European emigree' with "Tom and too good should never appear in the same sentence. Vlad, maybe too achy, too annoying, too asinine, but never too adept." Indeed, your 'bombastic bullshitter' was feeling the effects of yesterday's outdoor play and used the first set to loosen up so that he could be competitive going against 'EBL' in sets two and three (2-6), 3-3 partial when TT paired with 'Big Al' Diodati (aka Italian Stallion) and the 'Krank Kartsev.' At picture time in response to 'Big Al's' reference to him feeling like he was "hit by a Mack Truck' in the first set, the 'Tullyville Trolley' opined "playing with you guys is Amateur Hour for me." TennisTitan rejoined, "Makes sense to me. Ted Mack's show was only a half hour long. Our playing time here is 90 minutes. Bill, weren't you a NYC teacher? That explains the math." To wit 'Russkie' quipped "This is why Titan you are my American Idol.'
"Damn right, Frankie! Don't pull that Ralph Kramden crap on me now" exploded the TennisTitan at the conclusion of play at the Andrus Tennis Courts this crisp fall afternoon. 'Slats' had told the Titan that he was in the market for a new doubles partner, that carrying the 'whining wimp' through another less than satisfying performance by the 'bloated blowhard' was getting just too much to take. 'Humma, humma, humma" retorted the 'bombastic bloviator' who made you Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler of the Raccoon Lodge? "Titan, you're done as a competitive tennis player. You don't know how to address the ball when it is hit right at you. It's time to take up golf" ranted Frank 'Slats' Slattery stung by the (6-7 [5]) loss to Rich 'dozin' docent' Gerchak and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. "We beat these guys 6-2 on Saturday when you were somewhat motivated to run for the ball" complained the 'coddling counselor.' "Holding them to a 4-4 partial second set is just not good enough." The 'Kraut' said " I gotta go back to work. You guys, enjoy your lunch at the Chinese Buffet. Speaking of running, I've got to run to drive the commuter bus now, not Ralphie Briscoe... and 'Slats,' it's your game that is in the sewer!"
