Jesse, it's like this. Tennis is like sales. You've got to know how to close the deal." The old man was in rarefied air after this remarkable (6-4) victory in the second set against Jesse 'Blue Hen' Crossan on the grounds of the Hyatt Hotel abutting Old Tampa Bay this afternoon. TennisTitan had been blown out of their first set (2-6) as the 'gunning gargantuan' and a transplanted 'Philly Phanatic' (via the U. of Delaware) took firm command of the opener by winning the first ten points before the 'loathsome loud mouth' could engage him in a rally. Indeed, the former cracker jack Dell salesman lost but 2 points in his four service games in the first set. "Jesse, you are packin' heat" moaned the 'bloated blowhard' as the boys took a blow between sets. With temperatures and humidity both in the low 90's the 'sage sextagenarian' went back to the drawing board and developed plan B for the finale. "Once that 90 mile/hour fastball started to catch the cord this 'braggadocios bumbler' knew he had a chance." "Double faults are manna from heaven that save wear and tear on a 'tired tortoise' and sap your confidence." "Titan, you ran my weary ass that 2nd set. You controlled every point on your serve and moved me side to side in every rally that you seemed to always win." "I couldn't believe you broke me so easily in the ninth game and served it out at love with four incredible winners placed in the corners and clipping the baseline on every return." "Jesse, it's the A-B-Cs of the tennis world" expounded the 'pompous pudding head." "Not that 'always be closing' crap they preach at Dell." "Hell, no!" retorted the 'Yonkers yakker.' "A - analyze your opponents strengths and weaknesses. B - believe that you can raise your game to his level with the appropriate adjustments. And C - commit to that new plan of attack." "And I am supposed to believe you did that, TennisTitan?" "Hell, yes. Would you rather believe you lost to a 64 year old asshole more than twice your age who has to sit down to pee because of his knees and has to grab the towel rack to get off the toilet? You tell me!?" "Here are my A-B-Cs Titan. Lets' do it now....Amstel, Budweiser, Coors...I need a drink to tolerate your bullshit in this heat."
"You'd even blog this?" queried Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser as he sat next to the TennisTitan at the "We've Got Nothing Better To Do" end of indoor, beginning of outdoor Tennis Season Annual Dinner held at Dom and Vinnie's in downtown Yonkers. "The food is great, and the entertainment has been fabulous" opined 'Big Al' Diodati. "But I missed my plantans" commented Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz. "I missed by second dose of Prozac" interjected Chris Tyrone "and I'm still feeling good." Stuart 'not Espn' Scott remarked, "I missed breakfast this morning, so I will consider this meal to be my Seattle lunch." "Do you think the other diners minded our off key singing" Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' asked our waiter. Before an answer could be given Frank 'Slats' Slattery quipped, "If they're anything like me and Patsy, they're secretly relieved that they have an excuse not to listen to one another. I mean at home is enough already." Max 'Tutor' Tuchman then related, "Jewish wives take advantage of situations like this. My Sandy only pretends she is saying something audible, but she is actually only mouthing the words. Then I hear 'you never listen to me' for weeks." George 'Teacher' Febles chortled, "Ain't that what we all do to the Titan in a way. We tell the 'Egotistical Egomaniac' that we enjoy his stupid blog, but we spam it the second it hits the mailbox." Carl the 'anonymous Gas Man' said, "Give the guy a break. He's got nothing better to do with his time. Me, I've got to look for a job to keep Donna off my back." With that 'Rockin' Rick' Ricci picked up his trumpet and instructed, "Carl, pick up that squeeze box, and back me up. I'm going to play a mean horn, as we sing Happy Birthday to the 'bloated blowhard."
"El Sr. Titán, usted es el mejor jugador de tenis," commented El Professor Pequeno at the conclusion of play this morning at Kinsley. His partner, 'Der Klugmeister,' Bob 'Kraut' Kluge could only grudgingly concur. "Wenn das der Führer hatten Sie mit dem Krieg wäre Deutschland heute die Welt regieren, mein lieber Titan." "Hey, what about me?" interjected Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "Am I chopped liver?" George 'Teacher' Febles proclaims the TennisTitan the best player today and the 'arrogant Aryan' says Hitler would have won the war and Germany would be ruling the world if he had Titan on his side!" 'That's not hyperbole, that's like Obama saying we have to spend more to reduce our debt!" "Frankie, I took you along for the ride" retorted TT. Our (6-3, 6-4) victories over these two yokels were hard fought but not unanticipated. Titan had his 'A' game - pop, placement, and point construction." "Teacher' jumped in, "Don't forget 'mouth' - it's always the ass' biggest asset!" From the adjacent court Carl the 'anonymous Gas Man, quipped, "pretentious prevaricator' don't be thinking that your (6-3) triumph over Stan 'Capt Fire' Nowak and myself in the opening set is any credit to you. 'Slats' did all the work." "That's right, Titan critiqued 'Capt. Fire,' "Slats is the pick and axe man, you just hold the hose."
"That's cute, Titan, I get it...but I wanted to bagel your ass!" griped Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. "Da, three , two, one, (3-6, 2-6, 1-6) is not what you deserve. You deserved a zero. In my country your insolence would get you a visit from the KGB - the Committee for State Security. Here, instead of a trip to the gulag, say a winter vacation in Siberia, you joke that you go to Fort Lauderdale next week, that the end of season dinner at Dom and Vinnies must be early next week before you leave." "I suffer your bullshit all year, - I play my best in your (3-6) loss as your partner to 'Big Al' Diodati and Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully and then I hang a deuce (2-6) and a one-spot (1-6) on you. What thanks do I get? Where is the respect? You whine about the illegal immigrants in the country, but do you show respect to the naturalized Americans like me who tolerate your insults? 'Kraut,' 'El Pequeno Professor' 'Italian Stallion' are among many others you ridicule. I will give you this though, Mr. 'Pompous Primadonna': Never has anyone with so little, have so much, for so few." "What do you mean by that interjected the inquisitive 'EBL You're talking like Winston Churchill" "It is an old Russian riddle from the days of the tsars" retorted 'Russkie'... it is what our 'TT" is really about.... the answer is 'talent,' 'talk,' 'triumphs.'
"
"Frankie, it was 'Big Al' who carried you. I was saddled with 'Buckshot' Prezioso and 'Happy Jack' Carey for the first two sets" bellowed the 'bellicose blowhard.' 'Slats' was attempting to minimize his defeat in the fourth set (7-6 [5]) of this morning's action when he and Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser fell before TennisTitan and George 'Chemist' Hauss. Indeed, after the 'mendacious masochist' rid himself of the 'bumbling boneheads' as his partners, Titan's game flourished. "Happy Jack's inability (2-6) sticks out like a sore thumb and 'Prez' is more concerned about cutting down trees on his property than cutting down his errors (3-6) on my tennis court. How can anyone win with that ineptitude!" "And what of our (6-2) thrashing of the 'Pistol' and the 'Chemist' quiered 'Slats.' Didn't I help turn around your fortunes, Titan? "Let's face it, Frankie, you need me far more than need than I need you on these tennis courts." "Why so?" asked 'Chemist. "I know" intruded the 'Kraut' "The 'coddling counselor' can't get a word in edge wise at home because Patsy rules that roost! Here, Titan , you provide him 'his therapy.' You roast his ass and he gets a rare opportunity to answer back. I wish I knew you 20 years ago. You could have saved my marriage too."
"Titan, I didn't disappoint, did I?" beamed a happy Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso at the conclusion of play this afternoon at Kinsley. The combination of 'Prez'/TT proved just enough to record (6-4, 6-4) victories over Stuart 'not ESPN' Scott and partners Frank 'Slats' Slattery and Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser, respectively. 'Prezzie,' your forehand reminds me of that buckshot you use to shoot skeet up in Briarcliff. It's always loaded and you haven't the feintest idea where it's going." "Better that I be a scatter-shot than a scatter brain like yourself' is what I say, Titan" retorted the 'sextarian speedster.' "It's not my arm, but rather it is my legs that carried you to victory, 'fatuous fathead.' 'Not Espn' chortled, "I think not, Prez. I had as much to do with it as anyone." "Don't be too hard on yourself" chipped in 'Slats.' "Yeah" chirped 'Pistol.' "none of us played especially well today." "Whatcha talking about guys" responded Stuart, "if I didn't say 'yes' to Titan when he called late this afternoon needing a fourth, you wouldn't have even had a game. I made you all winners."
"You're all wet!' retorted the TennisTitan to Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe who had travelled in from Monmouth County NJ this morning to join Titan's fair (correction, - rainy) weather friends on the Kinsley courts. That's right it started to pour at game time and only a handful of hackers were there. After the departure of 'Big Al' Diodati, Sab 'Koide Kid' and Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso dripping wet from their aborted set, there remained only 'Dave the Rave' and Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser to provide doubles action against the Briscoes. Four sets were played in a steady rain that affected the quality of play but not the fun engendered. 'Jersey Bomber' took the measure of 'Uncle Tom' (3-6) by sweeping the final three games of their singles set. Titan then first paired with 'Dave the Rave' and was bageled (o-6) by the tandem of 'Pistol'/'JB'. Matters (and the conditions) only worsened for the 'bombastic blowhard' in his next set as he suffered a second helping (0-6) of bagel when he paired with the 'Pistol.' "Nobody beats the Titan 16 games in a row" bellowed the 'boorish beast' as he broke the schneid in the first game of the final set. Indeed, the 'naughty nephew' completed his four set sweep in Yonkers leading the 'loathesome loud-mouth' to his only victory (8-6) of the day. At picture time the rain had stopped and the sun promised a brighter day prompting 'JB' to opine, "Titan, do we really know 'nobody beats Titan 16 games in a row' - we'll have to find out on your next trip to NJ, won't we?" 'Dave the Rave' said, "And Titan, don't you be callin' me an 'Uncle Tom' either 'cause I like to play tennis."
"Mein freund, der Wind ist wundebar" cried out Carl the 'anonymous Gas Man' to Bob 'Kraut' Kluge at the changeover during the tie breaker that ended the first set unhappily (6-7 [2]) for TennisTitan and compatriot Frank 'Slats' Slattery. Leading 5 to 3 in games and having wasted three set points when up 6-5, TT/'Slats' had the misfortune of returning the first six points in the breaker with the errratic, gusting, wind at their back. Balls that should have safely landed in play had a mind of their own all day. The euphoric Tuetonic tandem did a quick schupattler at net prior to the second set which unfortunately could not be played to completion. It was first disrupted by the 'Gas Man's departure at 4-4 due to the constraints of marriage. 'Dave the Rave' finshed the set which ended at 6-6, four deuces having been played in the 13th and final game. An apologetic 'Kraut' explained, "My girlfriend expects me 'to finish' with her tonight, so I must leave now and not finish this set." 'Slats' quickly turned to the Titan for the appropriate translation into tennis language. Titan offered, "Slats, Bob is looking for a love game tonight. Problem is: his sweetie controls the point. Bob is currently serving at 'ad-out.' Bob wants 'ad-in' and to control her 'set.' So he defaults here and comes out a winner later." Oh, I see, exclaimed 'Slats,' "it's like when Patsy tells me on Saturday morning 'be home by noon, we've got grocery shopping to do." TT responded, "Right, Frankie, now you know the difference between a 6 month relationship and a thirty year marriage. Carl's a 20 year plus man and he had the 4:30 order today. "See, Frankie, we were beaten today, but they were whipped before they stepped on the court!"
"You ain't no Brando" retorted Mike 'not so stellar' Stella to the TennisTitan at the conclusion of this morning's classic at Kinsley. Indeed, the 'bellicose blatherer' blatantly bellowed "Stella" as the 'Kraut' dropped the winning point in front of the 'tortured tortoise' to take the set (6-7 [10]). TT had teamed with Frank 'Slats' Slattery in this 75 minute set against Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and the tandem of Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz (3-2)/'not so stellar.' Both teams had set point several times in the back and forth match but it was the clutch performance of the Super Nova Stella who was the star of the first two sets. 'Kraut'/'Super Nova' then proceeded to run rough shod over 'Slats'/George 'Chemist' Hauss (6-4) as the Titan wilted on the sidelines. As much of a surprise as 'Chemist's return to action after a 4 month hiatus due to shoulder surgery, was the disembowelment in both sets of Carl the 'anonymous Gas Man' and 'Big Al' Diodati by the likes of Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso with Sab 'Koide Kid' (7-5) and then (6-1) with the 'Phantom of Peekskill,' Dave the Mellow One, making his first appearance of the year. 'Prez' exited triumphantly shouting "I coulda been a contenda" demanding acknowledgement from the 'blogging bullshitter' of his double victory and claim of 25! deuces in a game he had served. All was not lost for the 'insipid idiot' this date because 'Slats' invoked his own favorite Brando-ism in explaining to the Godfather of Tennis, the Titan, their thumping (6-1) of the 'Chemist'/'not so stellar' in the morning's finale which was marked by 'Super Nova's flaming out. "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse" - an ice cream that he can eat on his ride on A Streetcar Named Desire down On the Waterfront.
