TennisTitan returned to the courts this date after a two and one-half week hiatus to rest his ailing calf. What better way to return than to join forces with Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully on his home Schultz Park court against dominant Saturday morning Kinsley players Frank 'Slats' Slattery and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. "Titan, we are tired of carrying you each and every week, let 'EBL' pay the tonnage" croaked 'Der Klugemeister' before the first ball was tossed. "Yeah, let another Irishman listen to your blather and lame excuses for balls you shank" chirped the 'coddling counselor.' It was a different tune they were singing 90 minutes later. Double break down at 1-4 TT/'EBL' ran the table to take the opener (6-4). Down single break 1-3 in the second set the weary crew left the court on serve (5-4 partial) with Titan taunting the 'testy Teuton' retreating to his car with the refrain: "Bobby, Bobby please, Titan wants to beat you with his new knees. Nah, Nah, Na-Nah-Na, now go back to work, you lost another to this jerk!" Slats' interjected, "don't press you luck, 'bombastic blowhard', you won the battle today because you had the magnum 45, come Saturday you'll be back playing with your derringer."
"Any excuse not to walk me."
"I'll invent The Tennis Racket Crutch."
TennisTitan started his Saturday morning play at Kinsley with the best of intentions. Play hard and sweat out the residual effects of having had too much to drink and too little sleep the night before. TT paired with his 'naughty nephew,' Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe in the rain interrupted first set against 'Dave the Rave' and Chris 'nimble Nigerian' Ikhigbonoaremen (say that three times fast and win a can of tennis balls). The (3-6) defeat sustained at the hands of the team calling themselves "Black Gold" was the highlight of the 'boisterous blowhard's ever worsening morning. While 'Black Gold' continued to dominate against 'Jersey Bomber'/ 'Kraut' Kluge, Titan was relegated to pair with Mike 'not so stellar' Stella against Carl the 'anonymous gasman' and "Stuart 'not Espn' Scott. "Pounding you (2-6) is a treat, Titan' boasted the once 'spindly legs' white victor. I'd say I had a little 'Black Gold' myself with the way Stuart out played you two." Titan and 'Jersey Bomber' seemed poised to garner their first victory of the day when up (3-0, 30 - love, partial) against 'Kraut'/'not so stellar' when 'pop went the weasel' occurred. The 'loathsome loudmouth' became the 'lame libertine' - with a torn (the pop), right medial calf muscle. At picture time the 'naughty nephew' and 'Der Klugemeister' - both of whom know something about drinking - offered some sound advice. Coat your stomach with dairy products two hours before a serious night of pub crawling, leave your wallet at home, for every ounce of alcohol in a mixed drink have an 8 ounce glass of water before the next round. But 'not so stellar' had the stellar suggestion of the trio: "Titan, don't play tennis with a hangover. It's like you giving us all a buy back."
"Titan, try as you might, this is not 1998. We may be at Wilson Park where you have had a smidge of success aginst me. But you are in the 21st century now and you'll never going to beat me again" preened 'Der Klugemeister.' Indeed the 'Kraut' withstood all the Titan could muster in the opening set (3-6) and handily won the second (1-6). The 'immobile minotaur' put up a credible effort taking the 'Kraut' into multiple deuces and elongating most points before succumbing to the more well conditioned athlete. "Titan, I don't know who is panting more, you or your dog" chirped the emboldened 'testyTeuton' at picture time." "Your problem is you can't do two things during one point. When you have some giddy up to the ball, you can't handle the power of my put-away forehand. And when you rally successfully against my power, your legs quit on you in coming in for a short ball." Titan was left with, "Bob, does this mean that I am officially your Joe Palooka punching bag like we had when we were kids." "Yeah, and you need a Captain Video ring to decode how to beat me Tommy boy."
TennisTitan, tennis whore that he is, can never say 'no.' Thus after a strenuous Saturday morning of play in the sweltering August heat and humidity, he said "WTF, might as well play" when The 'Neck' John Manzi called and said he was looking for a fourth for his Sunday afternoon doubles group. TT was further intrigued with the idea of hitting against a new opponent, Lowella, five foot feisty Filipino, who was scheduled to play. The first set had the 'bombastic bullshitter' pair with Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev against Chris 'Prozac Kid' Tyrone and 'the Neck.' TT barely saw 10 balls hit in his direction during the rallies as both the 'psychotropic man' and 'stretching stork-dork' played most of their returns toward the 'esoteric emigre' exclusively. The (3-6) defeat was hardly surprising as the 'Russian Bear' misfired regularly and had no success with his serve. In contrast, the 'egotistical idiot' was greatly complimented in the second set victory (6-2) by the effective volleying of the 'Ecuadorian Mosquito,' Lil Papi, who stepped in for the departed Kartsev. The 'Neck'/'feist Filipino could neither solve the exquisite drop volleys of the diminutive South American or the baseline power of the 'prevaricator.' Lowella struggled to get her racket on the 'lobbing libertine's returns as they bounced high beyond her reach, or rocket returns screamed by her feet.
TennisTitan came away with a split decision at the conclusion of play at Kinsley this warm, muggy Saturday. The 'boorish blowhard' paired with George 'Chemist' Hauss in their (1-6) blowout at the hands of Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe and "Der Klugemeister, Bob Kluge. The Titan was smart enough to jettison the 'Chemist' in his second set whose 'deli man slice' must have been left aboard the Carnival Cruise he just completed, for the opportunity to hit astride the 'testy Teuton' in their (6-3) triumph over 'JB'/'Chemist.' The snippy nephew of the 'pompous prevaricator' suggested that his fortunes went down hill when he borrowed Titan's yellow war stick for sets 2 and 3. 'Kraut'/'JB' were rolled (1-6) when the Mellow One, Dave Lipscomb subbed for TT in the middle set salvaging the 'Chemist' sea sick morning. "Your play was very up and down this morning" taunted Titan, as George turned pale and ashen. "I'm really sick of you" complained the 'deli man.' How fair is that. Seven days of non-stop talk from my wife in confined quarters. Then I come here and have to listen to you, Titan. I can't wait to go back to work" "But George" interrupted the 'Jersey Bomber,' at least you are not related to him.
"Dude, I said Carl Sandburg, not Ryne Sandberg. You're no Hall of Famer" laughed the Titan at his new playmate this date. TennisTitan had just managed to take the second set (6-3) from the 'young upstart' at the Leewood tennis courts in Eastchester this sultry summer afternoon. This, after receiving a personal ass kicking (1-6) administered by Spencer 'The Fog' Fogliano in the opener. "All my opponents get nicknames; like yourself, some don't understand why I selected a particular name. What Italian family names their son Spencer! So I went with the poem by the greatest American poet of the 20th century" instructed the 'bloviating bullshitter' to the 'feisty fledgling' trying to get back into the game he loved in his youth." "When I went to Iona Prep Ryne Sandberg was one of my favorite ballplayers. I wasn't in A.P. English courses." "Well, pup, this 66 year old fart took a 35 year old back to school today. I never did figure out how to handle your lefty serve. Luckily, I didn't need to. But I was poetry in motion in that second set as you wilted in the heat and dumped balls into the net as I just kept balls in play. I came in on little cat's feet." "Titan you are a full professor of bullshit, Ph.D - pompous, haughty and derogatory" rejoined the depleted, dejected web designer as he posed for pictures. "And I will whip your wussy ass worse next time."
