"You're damn right I'm happy" retorted 'Happy Jack' Carey as he dragged on his cigarette at the conclusion of play at Kinsley Park this cool damp morning. Jack was not going to take any crap from the TennisTitan who had predicted that 'HJ' would revert to form in the second set. The limo dispatcher had played remarkably well as TT's partner in the first set (6-4) against Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and Sab 'Koide Kid.' 'HJ' was ripping first serves left and right and was very effective coming to net. TennisTitan decided to get off the Jack bus before the usual crash and was left with his big mouth agape as HJ finished off the second set (4-6) by dropping another winner in front of the 'bullshitting blogger.' 'Koide Kid' turned in a strong performance in both losses alongside 'Der Klugemeister' and the 'bellowing blatherer.' 'KK' imparted his sage wisdom to the watchful Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz who withstood the early morning drizzle to attend the matches. "Joe, san, where are our fair weather friends this glorious Saturday? You were privileged to watch an 85 year old doctor, an unemployed truck driver, and a mendacious motor mouth be upstaged by The Most Happy Fellow - Jack "is it always this easy?" Carey. The ecstatic victor in both sets remarked "make sure you use 'Jack' and 'off' in the blog so I'll know it's about me."
"A freakin' tsunami, Tutor" was all TennisTitan could say as he ushered the 'sanguine Snow Bird' to the other side of the net. "Give me the 'Italian Stallion' and you take the 'Jewish Jacaranda.' I'll throw in three used tennis balls, a broken vibration dampener, and a sweat towel" was TT's offer to 'EBL' to start the 3rd set. Max 'Tutor' Tuchman had just returned to YTC action from his four month winter hiatus and was unceremoniously mistreated (1-6, 2-6) by 'Big Al' Diodati during his first two sets as TennisTitan's partner. TT fared no better with 'Big Al' in the near completed third set (0-5 partial) when 'Tutor' paired with Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully. Indeed, both Max and Al shine as support players at net when the Tullyville Trolley patrols the baseline and keeps the ball in play by forcing defensive returns. "Titan, we can't support you, because you can't support yourself on the court" asserted the 'dynamic duo' at plays end. The 'blathering blowhard' could only look askance at 'EBL' when Tully observed, "Titan, one of these days I'm going to be stuck with you as my partner. Let's hope that your game is not too taxing for me. You ain't no Tea Party, you know. With your court coverage being what it is, you should file for an extension."
A hush fell over the teenagers sneaking their cigarettes in the adjoining parking lot. Play stopped on the adjacent court as two Asian women bowed in homage toward the jubilant 'bearded behemoth' screaming his own praises. The TennisTitan had successfully held on to defeat Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe in their first set at Middletown North HS this evening. TT had raced out to a 5 games to one lead before 'JB' got his legs under him to come storming back to knot the set at five. But the magic left the Tinton Falls hacker just as quickly. The 'Bomber' lost the eleventh game at love and then proceeded to double fault twice as he served to stay in the match (7-5). The unsympathetic 'irksome uncle' quipped to his 'naughty nephew' as play began in the second set, "Rob, that choke you pulled to finish yourself off in the first set must remind you of 'Bear,' your dog. It was like there was a collar I had around your neck and I decided to pull on it." However the 'bombastic blowhard' was unable to withstand the 'Jersey Bomber's late rally in the second set, frittering away his early break, then dropping serve at four games apiece, enabling the 'Monmouth man' to earn a (4-6) victory over his 'unctuous uncle.' As the opponents met at net the 'Jersey Bomber' unloaded one final bomb. "When I harnessed my serve, and I unleashed my ground strokes, you might as well have been at dog obedience school, Titan. Tully and O'Reilly would have enjoyed seeing you with your tongue hanging out, slobbering down your beard, begging for a treat - a soft second serve or a double fault. You got nothing! Now go back to Yonkers with your tail between your legs."
"George, Carl threw me under the bus in the first set, but you damn near backed over me with your pitiful performance in today's finale." Titan had plenty of blame to throw around this morning at Kinsley. The 'blathering behemoth' paired in his first two sets with the anonymous 'Gas Man' for (3-6, 6-3) sets against Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and George 'Teacher' Febles. 'Teacher' has no pop in his offensive game and when his milktoast backhand is errant - as it was today - he fails the course! Such was the case in the finale (4-6) against 'Big Al' Diodati and Frank 'Slats' Slattery when Senor Febles made this senior (sic) Wences! 'Der Klugemeister' put it in perspective for the 'truculent tyrant' as the group gathered their belongings. "Titan, I just failed my first attempt at becoming a school bus driver. It was because I forgot to check all the bus' safety equipment. This morning my forehand ran all over your sorry-ass returns, my service game had your yellow flashers on! George through the emergency break so I would STOP the destruction of your EGO.
"Oh my aching bones' lamented TennisTitan before, during, and especially after his two sets of doubles today at the Yonkers Tennis Center. Too much tennis with too little recovery time is never enough incentive for the Titan to decline an opportunity to sub when needed as was the case today. Did you say, "Not too smart, dunderhead?" But as always TT squared off opposite Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully drawing Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev (3-6) in set one and then 'Big Al' Diodati (1-6) for partners. Try as he might the 'bloated behemoth' can only support a better player's effort to victory over the superior talent presented by 'EBL.' That was not to be the case today. "Now I'll throw you a bone" commented 'Big Al' after his abysmal performance against the resurgent 'Russkie' in the second set, "Titan, you play with Bill in the third set. "As the teams met at net the 'braggadocios bullshitter' taunted the 'Tullyville Trolley.' "Billy-Boy, Titan even with 'Big Al,' I had it 2 2 (partial) in games in the third set. I don't need you as a partner. I need you as an opponent to raise my game. Next week, I'll be given you a lesson on the court. After all, I'll have a 'Tutor' at my side, Max Tuchman!"
'Now do you get the picture, Titan!" 'Der Klugemeister' was angry. He didn't appreciate the criticism leveled at him in Saturday's blog by the 'bombastic blowhard.' "That was doubles, today you overstepped your ability in trying to play me singles." Bob 'Kraut' Kluge had a lot to crow about after laying a double defeat on the 'egotistical idiot.' "Which was more painful?" quipped the 'arrogant Aryan' to the 'masochistic malcontent.' "Was it the delicious bagel (0-6) I served you in the opener? I personally preferred wrenching that almost victory out of your hands (5-7) in the nightcap. Know why? I love to see a grown man cry before he whines his way through the blog." "But I do give you some credit. We couldn't get a doubles commitment from flaky Prozac or that weasel, the anonymous Gas-Man, so you couldn't call 'Slats' to be your legs. At least you showed up...if only for the second set!
"Kraut', er - I mean 'Crap', you played like raw cabbage today" exclaimed a disappointed TennisTitan at the conclusion of his doubles partnership with Bob Kluge this morning at Kinsley. TT and Der Klugemeister let a 4-1 lead fritter away against Frank 'Slats' Slattery and 'Big Al' Diodati to become a (5-7) defeat. The 'blustery blogger' complained that 'Kraut' put far too many balls into the net and had no moxie on his often heralded serve. Making matters worse for the Teutonic base liner was the fact that 'Big Al' won more than his fair share of base line rallies against 'Kraut's vaunted ground strokes. Titan had some net game but not nearly enough to compensate for 'Kraut's aversion to come to net. The 'immobile minotaur' was exposed time and time again for his lethargic response to the short ball. 'Kraut' and Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz exploited this glaring deficiency in their (3-6) first set defeat of the 'bombastic blowhard' when he paired with Mike 'not so stellar' Stella making his first return visit to Kinsley this season and living up to his appellation. As usual the teams met at net for post match pictures. There are none! Titan makes his shots both during the match and after it. The biggest loser was the incompetent attempting to take the photos... now who might that be?
"Now I get it Titan. I must be slow. You know, like you are on the court" responded Bob 'Kraut' Kluge at the end of play this raw spring afternoon at Kinsley. Bobby Boy had accepted the challenge of being TennisTitan's partner in his third and final set as the light drizzle continued to fall. 'Kraut' had dominated during his first 2 sets when he had Chris 'Prozac Kid' Tyrone at his side. 'Kraut'/'PK' had hammered (6-1) John 'The Neck' Manzi and Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev in the opener and followed that with a decisive (3-6) victory over 'The Neck'/TT. "But Bob, you had a good rest watching the tandem of 'petulant pedagogue'/'The Neck' crush 'Prozac Kid'/'Russkie' (6-0)," Titan reminded the disgruntled German at the days conclusion. 'Kraut' had done his utmost to close out his day in perfect form but could not do the necessary heavy lifting to get 'TT'/'Kraut' past 'Prozac Kid/'The Neck' (4-6) in the afternoon's truncated (no-ad) finale. 'Der Klugemeister' rejected Titan's whine: "Nine sets in less than three days! I'm tired. I can't run. I am so tired from yesterday and the day before that it can be said that I am ReRe-tired!" (And happily so for more than 7 years).
"Titan, do you ever get too much tennis" queried 'Happy Jack' Carey as he headed to his car. 'HJ' and 'Big Al' Diodati cashed in their chips after two sets this cool spring morning at Kinsley. 'Big Al' departed with two 6-4 victories to his credit; the first, a triumph he and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge hung on TennisTitan and a hapless Frank 'Slats' Slattery (4-6); the second, when he helped engineer the 'bombastic blowhard's only victory (6-4) of the morning against that "anonymous duo" - 'Speedy Legs and 'Happy Jack.' The 'bloated blowhard' could have used the 'Italian Stallion' in his third set for sure; a (0-6) bagel administered by a rejuvenated 'Slats' who dominated at net and the splendid back court work by 'Der Klugemeister.' The 'arrogant asshole' not only had pop on his serve, he almost got his mouth popped at net as the foursome gathered their equipment, when TT turned on 'Speedy Legs,' with, "I guess, man, that you think I should be Happy with your play? "You don't know Jack shit, Titan" retorted Carl, "I let you and 'Big Al' win a set, didn't I?" "Yeah, you did Carl, but if you weren't so pussy whipped I could have blogged that 4-2 (partial) 'Slats' and I had going in the fourth set against the 'Teutonic Two.' Now the 'Kraut' goes home undefeated and you're only a two time loser." "I've got to live with the fact that I played six and one-half sets in 20 hours with only one win to show for it."
TennisTitan was invited to sub in a game at the Yonkers Tennis Center this date by Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz. TT/'Gk' paired against the tandem of the 'Venerable Kuk' and 'Gentleman Jim' for three competitive sets of doubles. Titan had game (but apparently not enough) as he and 'GK' fell in all three sets (6-8, 3-6, 4-6). Truth be told the Kinsley regulars led in all sets only to be caught by the experienced partners who capitalized on the errant volleys and sprayed forehands of the Puerto Rican marksman. Not that the 'bloated behemoth' was without blame. The 'slothful slugger's ability to produce winners waned considerably in the second half of the match. 'Gentleman Jim's game rose in the latter part of each set to meet the challenge every time, forcing errors from a less and less mobile Titan and a more and more erratic 'Gimpy Knees.' 'Venerable Kuk' displayed consistency and contributed significantly in his support work both at net and on the back line. Again, and again Titan implored 'Gimpy Knees' to alter his game plan and hit to the back hand. But as always, Joe will only serve and use his power forehand to what is clearly his adversaries strength: their forehand. As the teams met at net 'Gimpy Knees' lamely proclaimed, "I told you Titan, you'd have to carry me." To wit the 'boisterous blowhard' retorted, "yeah, but on "Air Titan" You're allowed only one carry-on. You bagged three sets.
"Titan, sometimes we Germans make up our minds to do something, and we do it - even if it doesn't make sense to the rest of the world. Haven't you heard about World War II?" So rationalized Bob 'Kraut' Kluge as he squeezed the water out of the ball and returned it to his 'fallen fellow 'drenched dullard.' 'Der Klugemeister' was feeling just dandy having survived the tie breaker in his (6-7 [3]) defeat of the 'saturated sycophant' at Andrus Park in Yonkers this dreary afternoon. The Teutonic former Pepsi truck driver contacted the 'loafing libertine' this morning as the skies brightened and obtained a commitment from TT for two sets of singles. "I quit my job, now I need to face your lob" just couldn't be resisted. By the 3PM game time mist was in the air, at 2-2 the mist had become a light drizzle; at 4-4, a steady rain, and when TennisTitan again knotted the contest at 6, a downpour. The "no sense quitting now" attitude which marked this contest from that "I'm wet anyway" moment midway through the one hour long affair became "I better beat this bastard" as the breaker began. As the long time friends gathered their soggy equipment at net Titan remarked, "I believe the word for us is 'dummkoph.' "Nein, mein freund, Tommy - that is you. "Das Wort für mich ist (Kluge) MEISTER! - you can look it up!"
The Original Dirty Dozen:
"Where'd you get that howitzer"questioned Bob 'Kraut' Kluge at the end of his decimation facing the 'bumbling bombardier's service blasts this beautiful spring morning at Kinsley Park in Yonkers, N.Y. 'Der Klugemeister' was one of twelve regulars who responded to Titan's call to arms declaring this day the opening of the 2010 Outdoor Season. The early bird match included the tandem of Frank 'Slats' Slattery/Sab 'Koide Kid' dueling against 'Big Al' Diodati and Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso for 2 sets. On another court TennisTitan teamed with George 'Teacher' Febles for two strong sets; the first, a (6-2) victory against Carl 'Speedy Legs' who had 'Happy Jack' Carey at his side, and then a (4-6) loss to the Teutonic Pepsi truck driver with Stuart 'not Espn' Scott pushing the hand truck for the 'Kraut.' 'Teacher's abrupt departure (his net game actually left before he did) enabled 'Speedy Legs' to get in the victory column by joining the 'boisterous blowhard' in a (6-1) blowout of the tandem of 'Kraut' and Chris 'Prozac Kid' Tyrone. As the groups met at net players on the injured reserve but in attendance, viz. Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz, George 'Chemist' Hauss and Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser swarmed around the 'overbearing oaf' opining, "Titan's got new found pop on his serve (6 aces, 9 service winners). But it can't be him, it must be the new racket he's wielding. A soured 'Kraut' quipped "That 'asshole's arsenal' is now as big as the 'idiot's ego!"
Lessons on the adjacent court came to an immediate halt. A ball hopper collapsed as a stunned instructor keeled over, knocking down the stanchions, strewing practice balls all over court 2 at the Yonkers Tennis Center. Children wept unabashedly in their strollers as mothers in the lounge clapped on the viewing window in disbelief. "What happened mommy" echoed through the facility. "Where's Al Michaels" chortled Joe Cruz from the side line bench on court 1. But a victorious Titan just turned and said sheepishly to an incredulous Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully, "Maybe, today, I'm more Irish than you." TennisTitan had just authored the miracle of all miracles, the upset of the new century, in leading Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev to a first set thumping of 'Big Al' Diodati and the usually masterful 'EBL' (6-2). 'Russkie' put together an outstanding first set but was unable to sustain his level in the (1-6) follow up. The 'bloated behemoth' had it all working throughout the 90 minutes of sustained action: cranking 'heat' on the serve, volleying well, and delivering running forehands for winners on critical points. 'Big Al' was not a happy camper. "Titan, Tully played earlier today and didn't anticipate how far that horseshoe was up your ass today. Me, I had braciole with my pasta fagioli yesterday because my wife won't have corned beef in the house." The erudite Russian author interrupted, "Da! That is like what Viktor Tikhanov said in 1980 at Lake Placid when he blamed the vodka for taking the American kids too lightly. Never take the 'ponderous plunderer' for granted...he may be lame, but he's definitely got GAME! This will be known as the "Miracle on HarTru." "How true," sighed Tully, as he turned to console a despondent 'Big Al.'
"You boys never had a chance today against the Titan" proclaimed the 'loathsome loud-mouth' at the end of play this afternoon at Kinsley Park. "Only the Green Hornet could have outplayed me on the eve of St. Patty's Day" continued the 'gregarious gargantuan' after his rousing (7-5, 6-1) victories. First, pairing with Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman and then with Frank 'Slats' Slattery the 'Yonkers Yakker' reestablished himself as the force to to reckoned with when balls are put in play at Kinsley. Poor Stuart 'not Espn' Scott was victimized in both sets as both 'Slats' and 'Speedy' could not counter the gruesome 'Green Grouch' on the other side of the net. As the teams bid adieu at net 'Slats' remarked, "Titan, remember, you said that this was only a preseason game, that the formal opening of the Spring 2010 outdoor season at Kinsley is this Saturday." " So I shouldn't worry that I played like shit" commented 'SL' Gessman. "That's right, Carl" interjected 'not Espn,' "Titan will teach you those Project Management techniques you need to develop to enhance your resume by organizing our games here at Kinsley." TennisTitan quipped "Stuart, on Saturday you will be my "Kato" - ever faithful valet and crime fighting partner to the Green Hornet."
"Did you ever think you should stick with the young guys" quipped Stuart 'Santa Ana' Gourd' as he slipped back into his work clothes after his two setter with the Titan. "Look 'Big Red,' I must set an example for my staff at the Texas Work Force Commission. As it was, your winning 2 games (2-6) in the first set forced me to step it up (0-6) in the second. Plus, now I have to drive your fat ass home and will get back a half hour late." Who could argue. 'Santa Ana' had squeezed me into his busy schedule and was treating me like Jim Bowie and Davey Crockett at the Alamo. TennisTitan performed adequately and was in the first set, losing games by the thinnest of margins and extending points against this vastly superior player. Set two was quite another story as the disgruntled attorney dominated in every phase of the game. This road runner's credentials now include a successful marathon run since our last meeting in the fall. Nothing gets by him. And so the lecture on the way home: "Titan, those boys up at Dell don't have the 'hard drive' I bring to my game. 'Hoya Saxa" peddles servers to industry, but he can't buy a first serve. The 'Blue Hen' pushes soft ware no doubt, but the only thing soft about him is his game. And TennisTitan you wear on me! Those transplanted northerners should be your opponents, not a true Texan, who has giddyup to every ball." As Titan was pushed out of the car he thought he heard, "Custer, this was your last stand! Geronimo!"
"JLC, JLC, JLC, JLC" was the thunderous torrent emitted by the 'bombastic blowhard' this afternoon at the conclusion of two scintillating sets of tennis put together by TennisTitan against his 'perplexed progeny.' "How could I lose to you, ol' man?" lamented Russ 'Hoya Saxa' Briscoe to his 63 year old sire. "After eking out a (4-6) victory in the first set I figured you'd fold like those cheap cameras you use for the stupid blog. But no, you fought like your favorite player - Jim Lawrence Courier, the 'JLC' you worship." Indeed, the senior Briscoe brought his A game to Northwest Park in Austin Texas. Going toe to toe with his 'haughty heir' the 'pedantic patriarch' stunned the enraptured on-lookers on the adjacent courts by coming within a whisker of winning the opening set and then steam rolled the 'Dell dilettante' in the second set (6-2)! At picture time the 'chastened (c)loser' got the riddle answered from the 'enigmatic egomaniac': "J.L.C." is who I want next: Jesse Lee Crossan! That "Blue Hen" needs to meet someone who can close the deal -unlike those 'failed Phillies' against the Yankees." "Dad, be careful what you wish for. You're talking like that yagermeister and red bull Chris bought you at Little Woodies last night is still in your system: you know, 'JLC' - just like Cockrum."
