TennisTitan joined ten of his mates for a not so triumphant return to Kinsley Park this morning. Your 'not so humble tennis whore' was used and abused in three entertaining, hard fought sets. TT/'Chemist' George Hauss were spanked in the opener (2-6) by 'Happy Jack' Carey and Chris 'I Man' Ikhigbonoaremen. 'HJ'/'I Man's game was too strong for the flamed out 'bunsen burner' man and 'haughty hustler.' That was not the case when Titan hooked up with Frank 'Slats' Slattery for a (6-4) nail biter over Rich 'dozin docent' Gerchak and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. Flush off that scintillating victory TT/'Slats' attempted to take the measure of the always formidable 'Teutonic Twosome,' the 'Kraut' and the Herr (with no hair) Carl the anonymous Gas Man. After a fast two love start the 'Irish Idiots' were bulldozed (2-6) by a revivified 'AGM' and the blitzkrieging 'Kraut.' "We beat the Panzer off you micks" crowed the 'Germanic Jerks' as they celebrated their sweeping the last six games of the set with a traditional 'teutonic two-step.'
"Titan, do you have a permit for that concealed weapon" whimpered 'Big Al' Diodati after the second of three sets played at the Yonkers Tennis Center this date. TennisTitan rolled out the big guns in the decimation of the 'Italian Stallion' and Rich 'dozin docent' Gerchak (6-0, 6-1). Indeed, after a one month absence from the courts while in Florida the 'peripatetic prevaricator' came back hunting for bear, as in the 'Russian Bear.' TennisTitan was recruited to play along side Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev and was treated to a strong offensive performance by the 'munificent Muscovite.' "Titan, I'm not talking about your play being a weapon, but Vlad was making more quality shots than Obama had dead people voting for him and you know that 'Russkie' seldom shows us that arsenal" contributed the 'dozin' docent.' "It took Rick and I two sets to wake up" snipped 'Big Al,' delighted in the fact that they took the final set (3-6), winning four of the final five games. "Titan, look at it this way," explained the 'Russian Bear.' "You ran out of gas just like hurricane Sandy did to everyone in the area, and I ran out of ammo like Romney did after the first debate." "Sorry Vlad, not good enough," retorted TT. "Next week I play with Ben Gazzi as my partner."
"Uncle unctuous,' exclaimed the 'Jersey Bomber' at the conclusion of play at Kinsley Park this morning, "I wanted to make sure that you had pleasant thoughts about your last match in Yonkers before you faced that 1100 mile drive to Florida next week." "I felt the same Rob, even though your drive to Yonkers is only 60 miles each way" rejoined the 'boastful braggart. After your effort in the first set you deserved the sweet taste of victory too." Indeed the 'Briscoe Bobsy Twins' did just that in the annihilation of 'Rockin' Rick Ricci and Mike 'not so stellar' Stella (6-1). "Do you think the Rostapangs think all us white guys look like" queried the 'petulant pedagogue' to his 'naughty nephew.' "Maybe they might confuse us with the Bryan brothers the way we performed in the fantastically competitive (10-8) opener. Your play with 'Wondrous Wally' Rostapang was notable, 'Jersey Bomber' but I wisely paired with his quicker wife, Manchu" continued the 'extolling egotist.' "I guess you were the 'Manchurian Candidate.' today, TennisTitan. It was before my time but I heard it was a great movie" countered the 'Monmouth Mensch."
"But Tutor, it's the start of a new year for you. It would have been a perfect beginning... an incredible upset but..." lamented the lame-ass libertine.' "Titan, you fail at so many things at life. Why should this be any different" counseled the 'taunting tutor.' Up 5-3 in games with a chance to serve it out against Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully and Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev, TennisTitan couldn't get it done as he and Max 'Tutor' Tuchman dropped the final four games of set one to lose (5-7). 'EBL' tried to console the 'flatulating fool' by noting that TT had played the set of his life and had continued so in the second set (3-4 partial) and had nothing to be ashamed of, except of course, his assinine behavior on the court. Titan had his flat forehand down the line working, his backhand lob over the opponent's left shoulder on target, shown some pop on his serve, and had gotten to many more balls than usual, extending rallies - all for naught. 'Tutor' attemped to soften the disappointment for the 'disconsolate doofus' by offering his insight: "We got bupkes, stop kvetching Titan! I could just plotz the way I played. You usually play like a shlemiel, today you were a mentsh and played your tuches off. I will tell my Sandy when we nosh later, that we were shlimazeled. Yenta that she is, the entire Landing will know about our tsuris before I finish my tsvey knish. Oy veh, I am giving the goyim a yiddisher kop." To wit, EBL' said, mazel tov, Max. 'Russkie' deadpanned, "What mishegas! 'Shalom' my friends as he walked away.
"Prezzie, you're God awful, over hitting your forehand and hitting your backhand forever into the net" whined the 'wanton wimp' after three hours of play. TennisTitan drew the short straw this Saturday and paired with 'El Prezidente,' Rich Prezioso in three error filled sets at Kinsley. The twosome managed to split a pair of sets (6-2, 3-6) against George 'Chemist' Hauss and 'Rockin' Rick Ricci. 'RRR' had paired with 'Happy Jack' Carey in the opener and secured a (4-6) victory over TT/'Prez' that really rankled the 'loathsome lard ass.' "Of course your blog will ignore your significant contribution to our defeat" reasoned the 'maven of the Manor' Briarcliff at picture time. "You complain that I don't set my feet or adequately prepare my racket before striking the ball. You neglect to mention that your feet might as well be set in concrete when you flail at the ball, 'myopic misanthrope.' "And your idea of racket preparation would seem to be changing it from the right hand to the left hand because you're too damn slow to even try and run around your woefully weak back hand" continued 'El Prezidente.' And quoting that infamous, riot starting, drunken Rodney King, Titan opined, "Prezzie, can't we all just get along" as he packed his tennis bag.
"Max, let me at least buy your seat in the temple" insisted the TennisTitan. "Titan, first why don't you buy a can of balls at Kinsley before shooting off your mouth" defended 'Big Al' Diodati. "I got it" chimed in Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs" Tully. "Titan buys the seat, Max buys the balls and 'Big Al' buys himself some glasses; then we'll all be happy." The group was a little testy at the Yonkers Tennis Center this date. TT/'EBL' opened with a (6-1) thrashing of Max 'Tutor' Tuchman and 'Big Al' only to be bageled by 'EBL'/'Tutor' combo in the second set. "Italian Stallion', I could have used some of your bad calls when you paired with me; (0-6) is horrendous, even if the 'Tutor' claims more power with a newly strung racket. He's still playing with that rickety 75 year old body" retorted the 'blasphemous bullshitter." 'EBL' reminded the group, "that's just another misstatement of the facts that Max will be atoning for next week... it's like a grain of sand on the beach he sits on down in Boca in the winter." "And I suppose, you don't think it's a lie Titan, when you claim we played well together in the third set (3-4 partial)" rejoined 'Tutor.'
TennisTitan joined the 'Gazelle' Clarence Williams, making a rare early Saturday morning appearance at Kinsley in a tightly contested first set against the 'Teutonic twosome,' Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and Carl 'the anonymous Gas Man.' In a set marked with long rallies featuring crisp volleys and precise lobs that had the players continually scrambling for and adjusting their on court positions 'Kraut'/'Gas Man' prevailed (3-6). The ever 'gracious Gazelle' sat out his second opportunity to pair with the Titan, deferring to the always less than gracious (at picture time) 'Dave the Rave' who shuns the camera lens, but never the baseline rallies. The (6-3) victory orchestrated by TT/'Dave the Rave' over Mike 'not so stellar' Stella and Chris 'I-man' Ikhigbonoaremen proved that good defensive play can often overcome superior offensive fire power. "The Hausa, Yoruba, Igbo are the dominant tribes in my native land, Titan, you are the spiritual leader of the Kinsley tribe. It's not your play, but rather your mouth and enthusiasm that dominates here"chided a despondent 'I-man.' To wit Titan quipped, 'Chris, don't worry, your talent on the tennis court already exceeds mine. However, I think I am funnier than that has-been Don Imus on the radio."
"How in hell can I expect to win under these circumstances" lamented the 'lumbering loud mouth' at the conclusion of his first day of play this new season at the Yonkers Tennis Center. It was the usual beat down for the TennisTitan going up against birthday boy, Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully and partners Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev (1-6) and 'Big Al' Diodati (3-6). "With both the 'Russian Bear' and the 'Italian Stallion' sharing tomorrow, Sept. 14th as their birthdays, I felt you guys were throwing a party at my expense," whined the 'whipped wimp.' "Titan, are you suggesting that if Bill had you as a partner that maybe neither Vlad nor I would have had any reason to celebrate" questioned the 'indominable Italian.' "Hell, no" retorted the always 'jubilant jackass.' "When I play against you 'Big Al,' it always reminds me of my birthday as a kid. We used to play 'pin the tail on the donkey and blind man's bluff' before the cake. You know, when you have to guess, because you can't see...oh, those line calls you make at 83 - you still won't wear glasses on the court."
"They may remove your pictures from the yearbook, would be my guess" offered Frank 'Slats' Slattery at the conclusion of play at Kinsley this morning. "What is a Jasper, I mean besides a beaten tennis player" contributed Stuart 'not Espn' Scott. The boys had ample reason to gloat coming off dominant performances (0-6, 4-6, 3-4 partial) against TennisTitan and fellow '68 Manhattan College graduate, Rich 'el Prezidente' Prezioso. "We just couldn't get untracked. After losing the first eight games we held our own and might have one that third set hadn't 'not Espn' faltered" rationalized the 'maven of Briarcliff Manor.' "Faltered! He tripped over his own feet. You know he has balance issues" re-posited 'Slats.' "You mean he wasn't laughing at our inability to return anything he got his racket on" rejoined the 'bloated blowhard.' "Stu's play was so strong today that I think they should show it during rain delays at the Open" opined 'Slats.' "That's a bit much 'Slats,' let's just say 'Prez' and I are thankful Stuart doesn't wear New Balance Sneakers 'cause we'd have most likely lost that third set too" whined the 'wilted wimp.'
"Who'd-a-thunk it" commented the 'egotistical idiot' chomping on his half pound super burger at the post match repast. "You've got some pair of onions to gloat over that second set (7-5) come from behind victory. You know damn well I hurt my right arm midway through that final set" countered Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe. "Don't bullshit me, 'naughty nephew' I played ketchup from the first game in that set and you couldn't cut the mustard when you had the chance to close me out at 4-5 in games like you did in the first set (4-6). Admit it, you relish, beating your Godfather" rejoined the TennisTitan. "My first serve was bleu cheese right by you as I undressed your weaknesses until I hurt my forearm" 'unctuous uncle." "Rob, remember when you play someone with my experience, it's never 'the fries the limit. You must always have something in reserve and not play like 'there's no tomato.' You'll be bacon me to come down to Monmouth County again very soon. Lettuce hope that my injured calf and your forearm heal quickly."
"Titan, look at it this way. You served with so much pace, 'Big Al' didn't have a chance to make the correct call and 'Dave the Rave' stands at the baseline watching the server, not the serve, and has no idea of his responsibilities" Carl the 'anonymous Gas Man' stated attempting to placate the still distraught TennisTitan as the teams departed Kinsley. The (4-6) defeat of TT/anon. Gas Man rankled the 'libertine lout' no end. "Our comeback form love -3 was negated by that egregious non call' on my serve that was out my 2 inches continued the 'whining wimp.' "Titan, take solace in the (6-4) opening set triumph you enjoyed with Leila 'lithesome lady' dela Cruz" over her husband, Rudy the 'flippin' Filipino' and 'Dave the Rave'' responded the player once known as 'Spindly Legs.' 'Dave the Rave' has got issues with you - you know with his outright refusal to join the fun taking pictures. Hell, he's played here 3 years and never contributed a can of balls or extended himself to make a Canadian game a double match because of lame excuses." "Carl, right on! I'd rather talk about that 'fantastic Filipina's play at net anyway. She bandaged my wounded ego and aching calf muscle with her play at net. "
TennisTitan returned to the courts this date after a two and one-half week hiatus to rest his ailing calf. What better way to return than to join forces with Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully on his home Schultz Park court against dominant Saturday morning Kinsley players Frank 'Slats' Slattery and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. "Titan, we are tired of carrying you each and every week, let 'EBL' pay the tonnage" croaked 'Der Klugemeister' before the first ball was tossed. "Yeah, let another Irishman listen to your blather and lame excuses for balls you shank" chirped the 'coddling counselor.' It was a different tune they were singing 90 minutes later. Double break down at 1-4 TT/'EBL' ran the table to take the opener (6-4). Down single break 1-3 in the second set the weary crew left the court on serve (5-4 partial) with Titan taunting the 'testy Teuton' retreating to his car with the refrain: "Bobby, Bobby please, Titan wants to beat you with his new knees. Nah, Nah, Na-Nah-Na, now go back to work, you lost another to this jerk!" Slats' interjected, "don't press you luck, 'bombastic blowhard', you won the battle today because you had the magnum 45, come Saturday you'll be back playing with your derringer."
"Any excuse not to walk me."
"I'll invent The Tennis Racket Crutch."
TennisTitan started his Saturday morning play at Kinsley with the best of intentions. Play hard and sweat out the residual effects of having had too much to drink and too little sleep the night before. TT paired with his 'naughty nephew,' Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe in the rain interrupted first set against 'Dave the Rave' and Chris 'nimble Nigerian' Ikhigbonoaremen (say that three times fast and win a can of tennis balls). The (3-6) defeat sustained at the hands of the team calling themselves "Black Gold" was the highlight of the 'boisterous blowhard's ever worsening morning. While 'Black Gold' continued to dominate against 'Jersey Bomber'/ 'Kraut' Kluge, Titan was relegated to pair with Mike 'not so stellar' Stella against Carl the 'anonymous gasman' and "Stuart 'not Espn' Scott. "Pounding you (2-6) is a treat, Titan' boasted the once 'spindly legs' white victor. I'd say I had a little 'Black Gold' myself with the way Stuart out played you two." Titan and 'Jersey Bomber' seemed poised to garner their first victory of the day when up (3-0, 30 - love, partial) against 'Kraut'/'not so stellar' when 'pop went the weasel' occurred. The 'loathsome loudmouth' became the 'lame libertine' - with a torn (the pop), right medial calf muscle. At picture time the 'naughty nephew' and 'Der Klugemeister' - both of whom know something about drinking - offered some sound advice. Coat your stomach with dairy products two hours before a serious night of pub crawling, leave your wallet at home, for every ounce of alcohol in a mixed drink have an 8 ounce glass of water before the next round. But 'not so stellar' had the stellar suggestion of the trio: "Titan, don't play tennis with a hangover. It's like you giving us all a buy back."
"Titan, try as you might, this is not 1998. We may be at Wilson Park where you have had a smidge of success aginst me. But you are in the 21st century now and you'll never going to beat me again" preened 'Der Klugemeister.' Indeed the 'Kraut' withstood all the Titan could muster in the opening set (3-6) and handily won the second (1-6). The 'immobile minotaur' put up a credible effort taking the 'Kraut' into multiple deuces and elongating most points before succumbing to the more well conditioned athlete. "Titan, I don't know who is panting more, you or your dog" chirped the emboldened 'testyTeuton' at picture time." "Your problem is you can't do two things during one point. When you have some giddy up to the ball, you can't handle the power of my put-away forehand. And when you rally successfully against my power, your legs quit on you in coming in for a short ball." Titan was left with, "Bob, does this mean that I am officially your Joe Palooka punching bag like we had when we were kids." "Yeah, and you need a Captain Video ring to decode how to beat me Tommy boy."
TennisTitan, tennis whore that he is, can never say 'no.' Thus after a strenuous Saturday morning of play in the sweltering August heat and humidity, he said "WTF, might as well play" when The 'Neck' John Manzi called and said he was looking for a fourth for his Sunday afternoon doubles group. TT was further intrigued with the idea of hitting against a new opponent, Lowella, five foot feisty Filipino, who was scheduled to play. The first set had the 'bombastic bullshitter' pair with Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev against Chris 'Prozac Kid' Tyrone and 'the Neck.' TT barely saw 10 balls hit in his direction during the rallies as both the 'psychotropic man' and 'stretching stork-dork' played most of their returns toward the 'esoteric emigre' exclusively. The (3-6) defeat was hardly surprising as the 'Russian Bear' misfired regularly and had no success with his serve. In contrast, the 'egotistical idiot' was greatly complimented in the second set victory (6-2) by the effective volleying of the 'Ecuadorian Mosquito,' Lil Papi, who stepped in for the departed Kartsev. The 'Neck'/'feist Filipino could neither solve the exquisite drop volleys of the diminutive South American or the baseline power of the 'prevaricator.' Lowella struggled to get her racket on the 'lobbing libertine's returns as they bounced high beyond her reach, or rocket returns screamed by her feet.
TennisTitan came away with a split decision at the conclusion of play at Kinsley this warm, muggy Saturday. The 'boorish blowhard' paired with George 'Chemist' Hauss in their (1-6) blowout at the hands of Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe and "Der Klugemeister, Bob Kluge. The Titan was smart enough to jettison the 'Chemist' in his second set whose 'deli man slice' must have been left aboard the Carnival Cruise he just completed, for the opportunity to hit astride the 'testy Teuton' in their (6-3) triumph over 'JB'/'Chemist.' The snippy nephew of the 'pompous prevaricator' suggested that his fortunes went down hill when he borrowed Titan's yellow war stick for sets 2 and 3. 'Kraut'/'JB' were rolled (1-6) when the Mellow One, Dave Lipscomb subbed for TT in the middle set salvaging the 'Chemist' sea sick morning. "Your play was very up and down this morning" taunted Titan, as George turned pale and ashen. "I'm really sick of you" complained the 'deli man.' How fair is that. Seven days of non-stop talk from my wife in confined quarters. Then I come here and have to listen to you, Titan. I can't wait to go back to work" "But George" interrupted the 'Jersey Bomber,' at least you are not related to him.
"Dude, I said Carl Sandburg, not Ryne Sandberg. You're no Hall of Famer" laughed the Titan at his new playmate this date. TennisTitan had just managed to take the second set (6-3) from the 'young upstart' at the Leewood tennis courts in Eastchester this sultry summer afternoon. This, after receiving a personal ass kicking (1-6) administered by Spencer 'The Fog' Fogliano in the opener. "All my opponents get nicknames; like yourself, some don't understand why I selected a particular name. What Italian family names their son Spencer! So I went with the poem by the greatest American poet of the 20th century" instructed the 'bloviating bullshitter' to the 'feisty fledgling' trying to get back into the game he loved in his youth." "When I went to Iona Prep Ryne Sandberg was one of my favorite ballplayers. I wasn't in A.P. English courses." "Well, pup, this 66 year old fart took a 35 year old back to school today. I never did figure out how to handle your lefty serve. Luckily, I didn't need to. But I was poetry in motion in that second set as you wilted in the heat and dumped balls into the net as I just kept balls in play. I came in on little cat's feet." "Titan you are a full professor of bullshit, Ph.D - pompous, haughty and derogatory" rejoined the depleted, dejected web designer as he posed for pictures. "And I will whip your wussy ass worse next time."
