"I'm like that first tuft of crab grass showing up on your lawn in April. Forever annoying if not dependably green."
"They thought they had us in that second set. They had to think again 20 minutes later.""Titan, we couldn't think of a better way to welcome you home from Florida" opined 'Big Al' Diodati. "We read your Sunshine State entries and realized, like always, you'd be in desperate need of a win" commented 'Gimpy Knees' Joe Cruz. "I thought that I might even have to return to Florida to provide you with one. It was cheaper for me to let you win here at Kinsley" continued 'GK.' "It's never easy winning with the Titan" deadpanned the 'Chemist.' George Hauss had drawn the short straw in this morning's action and rose to the occasion. TT/'Chemist' dominated 'GK'/'Big Al' in the opening set (6-2) and rallied from love three down to take the second set (6-4). 'Chemist' had plenty of side spin on his slices, accuracy on his lobs and defended well from the baseline. The 'boorish blowhard' also did his part, contributing some pop on his serve and some agility at net. When the foursome met at net for pictures Titan reminded everybody, "spring is in the air; it should be a great season if all the guys show up next week." 'Chemist' quipped, "Lead footed loudmouth,' don't be worrying about others coming. How about you showing up with some spring in your step for a change!"
"I wish I could say 'I hate to see you go' but then I'd be the bullshitter" opined George 'Genealogist' Pratt at the conclusion of play at the Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club earlier today. The 'Kansas Komet' had done his best to spoil the 'Tarpon Titan's upcoming departure with his feisty performance in a one set loss (7-5) that went down to the wire. TennisTitan fought off three set points in the tenth game when facing a 15-40 deficit on his serve before holding serve on the second deuce. 'Gentle George' was anything but gentile when he sprung the idea of the game on TT during an unanticipated morning visit. The 'Wichita Whiner' had a point when he challenged the 'Yonkers Yakker' during coffee using muddled mid-western logic. "Titan, you came to my Three B Bash at the last minute and proved your worth. You drank my BEER and BOOZE, and cobbled down a plateful of BULL's BALLS without batting an eye the other night. You handled that cow patty minefield and then the tossing contest without gloves like the man I know you to be - one steeped in BULLSHIT, a true 'master manure maneuverer' if I ever saw one." The 'bloated blowhard,' broken in his first service played catch up throughout the contest managing to get back on serve by the ninth game only to face down those set points. As the adversaries met at net for the final time this visit George summed it up succinctly. "Another Three B Bashing for me: 'Bombast, Bullshit and Briscoe." Titan calmly replied, "Petulant partner,' don't worry! I'm providing lunch: Burgers and Budweiser and, 10 minutes later, the Belching !"
"This was a sobering moment for Rob. See that puzzled look. I wanted this badly enough that I actually bought and used a stretching device while he was otherwise occupied." (see below)
"Not so fast, sonny boy!" beamed the TennisTitan. The 'Battle of the Briscoe's' had one final act this morning at the Lake Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club wherein Darwinian Theory was soundly refuted by the results. Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe, fresh off a seven day cruise to Honduras, Belize and Mexico attempted to plant his imprimatur as the 'Briscoe with the dominant tennis gene.' But the 'braggadocios bullshitter' had other ideas. Wearing his knee braces, donning a newly acquired back brace, properly stretched out, and with three ibuprofens awash in 40 ounces of java, the newly invigorated 'Titan of Tarpon' torpedoed the 'mauler of Monmouth' NJ. The hotly contested, hard fought, seesaw battle (7-6 [4]) was resolved to the raucous delight of an admiring, if not confounded wife, witnessing her husband fending off the bombastic barbs and surgical strokes of their 'hostile host.' "Third rate tennis is more entertaining than second rate comics at 2AM in the morning even without the booze" quipped Therese as the men met at net. "It had to be the 5 hour drive from Miami last night" explained the 'naughty nephew' to his smiling spouse. "No way" pontificated the 'Pope of Pomposity.' "This was not about the 'survival of the fittest.' Your 'big bang' theory of serving against me was effectively countered by my 'natural selection' of spin and placement on all my shots. You double faulted three times on game point. There is an 'evolution' to my game. You ran but could not hide." To wit Rob responded "Okay, 'uncutous uncle' let's evolve now to the pool and have a race."
"How about the best out of three" asked the TennisTitan. "You mean to see who is the better of us two" retorted Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe upon his arrival at the Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club earlier this week. "Then we better play one set each day to give you more of a chance, ol' man. I thought I'd play some tennis against my 'unctuous uncle' before I set sail with my wife on a cruise to the Caribbean but I don't want to leave you a cripple." But it was the Titan who cruised to a first set victory (6-2) before his 'naughty nephew' sailed to a come from behind (4-6) triumph in set number two. It was the final set, played on the third consecutive day, that told the unhappy tale for the 'bloated blowhard.' The 'Jersey Bomber' being fit and spry dominated from the first ball (2-6) of the third and final set. "Titan, your movement was even more limited than usual. Perhaps you who should live at the 'Snail and Tortoise' Club. Make sure that if you ever go on a cruise that you are never too far from a life boat. And you better be ceratin they have a moving chair lift to get you down the stairs into a life boat if you have done any exercise the previous two days."
"Now that you have a full tank of gas in that clunker of yours, I thought I'd tune you up before you head to Naples for the weekend" chortled the TennisTitan at the conclusion of today's impromptu two setter against George 'Genealogist' Pratt. The 'overbearing oaf' had not anticipated this morning's match at the Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club. 'Genial George' had visited the pumps at Sam's Club the night before with TT and had indicated to the Titan that he'd be on the road early. "Catching you off guard is what I do best, on and off the court, 'bulbous blowhard,' is how the early morning phone call began. "I'll meet you at the court in one hour." With barely enough time for a 10 minute oil change the 'miserly misanthrope' lubed up his knees with Icy Hot, added 2 Ibuprofen to his crankcase, and slid himself into first gear to keep the appointed date. The (6-0, 6-3) washing administered to the 'insolent itinerant' bemused the 'raucous rowdy' no end. "George, you better let Nancy drive to Naples. It looks like you don't know how to handle a 'blowout.' The 'Wichita whiner' shot back: "The hell with my tires! You got all the brakes. Titan, I am just tired of you braking my ball joints!"
"George, just because you brought me dinner last night, did you expect to ruin my breakfast" quipped a relieved TennisTitan at the conclusion of play at the Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club this morning. It took seventy-five minutes but the 'indomitable idiot' survived the 'tenacious troubadour' (7-6 [2]) in a set with many critical moments. 'Genial Genealogist' George Pratt, coming back from a six week layoff gave the 'irksome icon' plenty of cause for worry. Winning 11 of the first 12 points 'GG' was poised to win his third straight game and leave the 'testy Titan' in the dust. However, the 'bloated blowhard' settled down to break 'Wichita whiner' in that 3rd game. TT kept his nose in front before being broken at 5-4 and 6-5, respectively. "I guess I just ran out of gas in the breaker" commented the 'dispirited dork' as the opponents met at net to discuss an afternoon luncheon. "I've got a half-off coupon at Los Mexicanos. You drive, Titan. Remember, I am out of gas. You're so 'full of yourself.' Why don't you fill my tank to thank me for playing an 'insufferable egotist."
"How do you figure that" responded 'Big Al' DioDati to the TennisTitan's boast that we 'almost had you today." "How can you possibly contend that you and the 'Russain Bear' played better today than last week" continued the 'Italian Stallion.' You got bageled (0-6) in the second set, didn't you!?" "But 'Big Al,' interjected Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev, we were up 5-4 in the opener and at 30-30 in the 10th game. We had you and Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' rubbing your rosary beads." Hearing that 'EBL' had had enough. "Titan, you lost 3 and 2 last week, it was 5 (5-7) and 0 today. Winning 5 games does not make a set. You lost both sets as usual." "And 'lumbering loudmouth,' if you ever win a set against us the six games must be in the same set." 'Russkie' turned to the group and explained, "It must be time for the Titan to return to the Florida Senior Tour. His logic is that of a senile sexagenarian and he needs to sit on a sandy beach and dream about getting his first serve in with pace." "All he dreams about is getting the Early Bird special"retorted 'Big Al.' We'll see him next in March at Kinsley and he'll have a doggy bag of used tennis balls no doubt."
'You did what!?!' exclaimed 'Big Al' Diodati at the conclusion of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center. TennisTitan had just explained that he returned to the 20 degree temperatures of New York from Florida 'to get some tennis in.' Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully quickly opined, "Should we be flattered or is this an acknowledgement that few people can put up with your antics on the tennis court - whether here or in the south." "A little of both" retorted the 'bodacious braggart.' "Different state, same result (3-6, 2-6)." Are the airlines awarding frequent loser miles" an incredulous 'EBL' continued. "Leave my partner alone" interjected the 'Russian Bear,' Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. "Titan's tennis game usually matches the outside temperature. He was colder than a Siberian outhouse today. Haven't you seen him in the summer at Kinsley?" "Yeah, retorted the 'Italian Stallion,' that's when TT's game is in complete meltdown!" Indeed, the 'Russian Bear's game carried the load this day." 'Russkie' delivered on his service games, coming back both from love -40, and 15 -40, and rallying effectively against the 'Tullyville Trolly' to keep both sets competitive. But in the end 'EBL's superior court coverage proved the difference. As the group met at net 'Big Al,' quipped, "I hope you had a cheap flight to match that $29 racquet you use."
TennisTitan spent the month of January in Florida with virtually no tennis activity. A very disappointing development in the life of this hacker. Local opponents that TT had played at the Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club in the past were on the injured reserved list or were simply disinclined to play because of the cool weather. Below are a few pictures and commentary about the men and the matches Titan played in February. Both demonstrates the 'boisterous blowhard's commitment to the game and love of the past as he travelled 350 miles round trip to compete against High School friends of 50 years ago who similarly enjoy the game. Titan chose not to compose a narrative about these matches. Special thanks to my gracious hosts, Bob Zanchelli and John Doughty for their hospitality, generosity, and Titan-tolerance.
"Gavonne, has promised me 'no mercy' the next time we meet. To that I say "No Pasta" big boy!
"Toora loora toora loo-rye-aye" the 'boorish baseliner' cackled at 'Big Al' Diodati as the foursome left the fileld of play. "In Ireland our match would be classified as a donnybrook" contributed Titan's partner, Tom 'Fireman' Conaty. "Hey, Titan is from McLean Heights in southeast Yonkers. This was a bar fight outside of Rory Dolan's as far as he's concerned" quickly interjected an eneravated Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully. "Nah, not Rory's" snapped a disgusted 'Italian Stallion. "I know this 'pusillanimous pecuniary' for 20 years now, no way he'd drink anywhere there is a cover charge. He's strictly Blarney Stone material." "Be nice, Al, I contributed the balls today, didn't I. I booked both dates to play indoors this week as always, didn't I. I let you team with the two Irishmen you most like to play with and with whom you regularly beat me, didn't I," retorted the 'bloated blowhard.' 'EBL' sheepishly replied, "but neither 'Slats' nor I could get the job done." "But I thought we were going to play two sets" remarked the 'Fireman.' "Tommy boy, quipped the 'jocular jester' take it from me, we played three. When I play 20 games against 'Big Al'/'EBL' every other Thursday it's usually (0-6, 1-6, 1-6) in the blog. (11-9) has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? "Titan you can steer my truck anytime. Your serve had more heat on it than a two alarmer" responded Conaty. "I just didn't want to see 9-11, it's a bad memory." 'Big Al' sighed and said, "Now I know why men of the FDNY are the "bravest." "You get stuck with 'lumbering loud-mouths."
"Titan, I see Santa brought you an accurate 'big serve' this Christmas" commented Frank 'Slats' Slattery at the conclusion of play this date at the Yonkers Tennis Center."Yeah, Frankie' interjected 'Big Al' Diodati who was victimized countless times by nonreturnable first serves from the 'bombastic blowhard,' "but the Titan's serve is more like a Christmas decoration. It'll be gone by the weekend." The boys were having a little fun at the 'egotistical egomaniac's expense after the TennisTitan and George 'Teacher' Febles took two of the three sets played to completion. The day did not start quite so well for the 'obnoxious oaf' and 'el profesor pequito' as they dropped the opening set in short order (1-6) to 'Slats'/'Big Al.' "That was some strategic time out between sets one and two" lamented 'Big Al' at picture time. Pat Rogers must really know how to coach." "Al, he said 'just let it rip big guy, that Irishman on the other side of the net is not Tully. 'Big Al' is without his lifeline today. Pull his strings to close him out, twirl your racket lie a venetian blind rod and unload. 'Slats' is a piece of balsa wood - break him with your heater." With that Titan rode the wave the next two sets leading the 'sensational senor' to resounding (6-2-, 6-1) triumphs with his wrist bending serves that garnered five aces and another half dozen service winners. Leading (3-2, break up, partial) the 'nettlesome nitwit' taunted the departing 'Italian Stallion' and 'coddling counselor' with, "Thursday, I'm bringing my own Irishman who knows how to play this game. 'EBL' Tully better be in shape. My goal is to close out 2010 on the crest of this wave."
"Titan, perhaps you should have some Stoli when you go home. It will take away the pain of another loss, both physical and mental" snickered Komrade Kartsev. "I should have that drink 'Russkie' chimed in 'Big Al' Diodati. "After all I drew 'the short straw' in pairing with TennisTitan in this afternoon's (1-6, 2-6) pounding at the Yonkers Tennis Center. Titan had pop on his serve, some hustle to the ball, but as always no answers to the consistency and athleticism that Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully brings to the game. Trailing (2-4 partial) with 'Russkie' as his partner, Titan told the Russian emigree "Vladimir, you don't have a Kahlua on the court. You are always out of position and unable to anticipate where the next ball will be returned." 'EBL' interjected, "Russkie, tell that 'boisterous blowhard' that you are not a Black Russian, regardless of how you are dressed today." "I thought the 'Man in Black' was supposed to be Johnny Cash" corrected 'Big Al.' "Bullshit" retorted an indignant Titan. "Look at him. Those black rimmed glasses. He's Roy Orbison. Only the Lonely (1960) would want to partner with Vladimir." "I'd be Crying (1961) and Running Scared (1961) too if he were my partner" claimed 'Big Al.' "Pretty Woman (1964) would want him as a partner observed 'EBL' to a smiling 'Russkie.'
"Titan, this is the price you gotta pay" opined George 'Chemist' Hauss. "First you abandon us for three weeks to go to supposedly warm Florida - and you can't find a game down there, now this." Frank 'Slats' Slattery interjected, "those Florida rubes won't even wear shorts if it's under 60 degrees and you had temperatures of 35 - 55 each and every day. Those snow birds can't fly, they're turkeys!" "Yeah, but this is even worse" responded TennisTitan. "I take umbrage at that" snickered 'Happy Jack' Carey. "You and 'Slats' losing to me and the 'Chemist' (5-7) in the opener, especially after I made it possible to play with my ice melting crystals, chopping and broom work at game time, is no disgrace." "Titan, said 'Slats,' dropping the second set (6-7 [6]) wasn't entirely my fault, you know. Your legs never moved at all in this morning's 28 degree temperature. And Jack, you don't even know what umbrage means. You must have read it in some asshole's blog." "Frankie, it's not that. I am pissed at 'Dave the Rave.' He and the 'Chemist' squeaked out that second set. But my legs finally loosened up for the third set when it's always about heart anyway. I sacrifice far more in the pain I will endure post match when I play a third set, than any of the other guys, and that yokel 'Dave the Rave' quits down 5 - love (partial). 'HJ' reminded us all, "maybe it's in his DNA."
