"The wind beat me as much as anything you did on the court, 'bombastic blowhard."
"Consider it your good bye gift" cackled the 'Wacky Wichitan' aka George 'Genealogist' Pratt as he met the TennisTitan at net at the conclusion of their two setter at the Lake Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club. George, who had given the 'bloated blowhard' a real scare in their last meeting in early February, was clearly not on his game this afternoon."I've got a lot on my mind these days 'arrogant asshole" chirped the 'beleaguered bumbler' after he dropped sets of (6-3, 6-2) to the Titan in cool, windy conditions. "I've got to fit you and your tennis into my agenda between doctor's appointments. And to me, that's like going to the dentist! Between an opthamologist and an gastroenterologist, I can't see straight with my cataracts or fart on cue with my benign mass, no less hit the ball cleanly in 25 mph gusts and listen to an endless windbag on the other side of the net." George had graciously invited the 'pedantic pedagogue' for a delicious home cooked dinner a few days earlier but had no civility after suffering yet another double defeat. "George, perhaps that 'Steak n Shake' chili you had with me earlier today will clear up one of your medical issues" quipped the 'overbearing opportunist,' but there's nothing either of us can do about 'Mariah." "Go 'Paint Your Wagon' in Austin Texas" retorted 'genial George' as he broke into song.
Titan looked forlornly at the blue-green waters of the Gulf of Mexico and thought to himself "how pissed off should I really be?" The 'boorish bloviator' has just competed a four set match involving three superior female players and came out the clear loser. It wasn't so much dropping the last three sets at 3, 0, 1 but it was the the rejection of his schmooze about his blog. Suki the 'Korean Komet' was awesome as always; running everything down, handling pace, high bouncing balls and the smashes inevitably sent her way. Teaming with Angela the 'Greek' and/or Deeda the 'Pitt Panther,' TennisTitan could not out play the 'Korean Komet' when she was on the other side of the net. TT didn't care a wit that playing with 'KK' was a warm-up exercise in their first set (6-2) hammering of the agile Deeda and the crafty Angela. But the 'bombastic blowhard' was annoyed that none of them were picture friendly. "My husband...yada, yada." "But it will only be the three of you in the photo" didn't resonate. So Titan gave 'his notice' to Suki and likely will not accept future opportunities with this group. The 'blundering plunderer' was pondering his decision wistfully (and the 15 inches of snow pounding Yonkers) and strategizing as to how to insinuate himself into the men's' game that is usually played simultaneously. Then he realized he was standing on 15" of sand and suddenly all was right with the world again!
"Hey, Joe where did you find this guy I'm playing next to" hooted newbie Matt 'Somebody Better' Tilles as the second set drew to a close. Matt was cajoled into playing for 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz and ran into the 'buzz saw', otherwise known as Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully this afternoon. 'Somebody Better' acquitted himself well in both his losses opposite 'EBL,' showing an effective serve, good anticipation, and hustle to the ball. But, no one has Tullyville's first step to the ball or explosiveness in the transition game. 'EBL' teamed with the 'bombastic bloviator' in a barn-burner of a first set (6-3) against 'MSBT' and another newbie, Noah 'Build Me an Ark', the grandson of 'Big Al' Diodati. TennisTitan brought his 'A' game and gave 'EBL' strong support with effective lobbing and handling the bombs thrown his way by the 'Ark Man.' Set two cast TT with 'MSBT' against 'EBL' and newbie 'Second Fiddle Sammy' (14 year old Noah's 11 year old brother). Both Noah, and Grampa Al delighted in the youngster's performance assisting the 'Tullyville Trolley' to another (3-6) result sending Titan home one up, one down, for the day. As the teams met at net Joe told his buddy, "Matt, the 'blogging bullshitter' occasionally makes enough noise with his play on the court to drown out his constant commentary - that's why we call him the 'braggadocios blowhard.' Remember the ear plugs next time! 'Big Al' beamed, turned to his grandchildren and remarked, "Kids, you did me proud. Watching the Titan getting beat from the sidelines is almost as enjoyable as doing it myself!"
"Titan, there is only one King on this court. And it ain't your partner, that's for damn sure" cackled 'Big Al' DioDati at the conclusion of 100 minutes of spirited tennis at the Yonkers Tennis Center this afternoon. TennisTitan returned to the metropolitan area yesterday and was treated to a pairing with Gene 'King' Slatttery against the 'Big Al' and Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully. In the only set played to completion featuring many quality points and notable winners from all players, the 'Italian Stallion' and the 'Crestwood Comet' withstood two set points in the twelfth game to eventually salt away the victory at (6-8), winning the final three games.'Big Al's taunt underscored the obvious: 'EBL' rules this court regardless of who is adversaries are. 'Big Al's contribution to the triumph are significant but are always dwarfed by the steady hand of the 'Tullyville Trolly' patrolling the baseline. Today was no exception as 'EBL' prolonged many exchanges until the 'Stallion' put away the winner at net, 'King Slattery' fired into the tape or 'TennisTitan's lob went long. TT/'King' trailed 1-3 in games in the 2nd set when time expired. When the group met at net Titan remarked to 'My Liege,' 'At least we gave them a run for their money, Geno!' "EBL' turned to his partner and remarked, "Al, don't you think the readers of 'Tommy TrashTalk's blog wonder, 'where does does he get off using the word 'run' and 'Titan' in the same sentence."
With strains of Gloria Gaynor's disco era tune 'I Will Survive' spinning in his brain a relieved TennisTitan played his final match at the Lake Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club during his abbreviated one week stay. Fittingly George 'Genealogist' Pratt offered himself as the sacrificial lamb. But this was not the same meek ovine creature who has fallen so easily in the past to the 'bloated behemoth.' Facing the 'bombastic bumbler' was an invigorated Jay Hawk, a 'cantankerous Kansan' with renewed resolve, who battled the 'insipid idiot' to the very last ball. The boys had luncheoned a few hours earlier at Los Mexicanos and were sluggish throughout their one and three quarter hours of play. 'Genial George' took early command in both sets, obtaining the first break of serve before the 'ponderous plunderer' laid waste to leads in both sets, knotting each at four games a piece. TT secured the break in the 9th game of set one to close out (6-4) the contest by holding his own serve. Similarly set 2 went the distance as the 'wacky Wichitan' rallied to draw even at five games a piece by breaking the Titan at love. It became a test of wills as both combatants strove to summon their last bits of energy to seal a victory. The 'Yonkers Yakker' would not be denied. The 'immobile minotaur' swept the last two games to secure a hard fought (7-5) victory. The weary warriors met at net one final time to exchange burps and flatulence prior to the obligatory post match photo. 'Genealogist' quipped, "Titan, I hope all that Mexican food you inhaled earlier today becomes an issue for you in a 2' by 3' lavatory on Delta Flight 6868. "Hasta lluego, amigo," chortled the Titan.
"It was harder 'beatin' the rain' quipped the TennisTitan to the handyman installing fans in his apartment upon his return this morning at the Lake Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club. Your 'bungling buffoon' had inveigled his way into a doubles match at the complex as a stand-in for erstwhile regular opponent, George 'Genealogist' Pratt. Titan joined Donna, Gordon and Sylvia for what was to be three quick sets of doubles prior to the scheduled ten o'clock installation. Although Gordon appeared to be an accomplished player and worthy adversary, his wife and partner was no match (6-0) for the 'Yonkers Yakker' and the 'PrimaDonna.' With the first spritz of rain falling at the set's completion, the losing coupled retreated to their patio home adjacent to the court quicker than you can say 'no mas.' The rain ceased within minutes of its start so 'PrimaDonna' reluctantly agreed to a set of singles against the 'bombastic blowhard.' Although more capable than the departed Sylvia the 'Green Mountain Girl' had no answers for the 'insufferable insomniac.' The (6-1) pasting was quick and completed before the heavier rains arrived twenty minutes later. As the 'petulant pedagogue' retreated up the hill he thought, 'not everyone can be a 'Canadian Cruncher' or the 'Korean Komet' but at least I got to play a bit today.
"Titan, you know what you can kiss" dead panned a relieved Walt 'Show Me' Klein at the conclusion of the second set played under the lights at Pine Island Center this evening. TT was beaming and had to settle for the knuckle bump. "Let's play a third" carped the 'capricious cretin." 'Coach' Klein had salvaged Titan's day by leading the way in the night cap of a two set split with the van Dycks (4-6, 6-3). Gusting winds played havoc with the group minimizing the effect of the usually reliable 'Show Me' serve and TT's lob game. 'Michigander' Ron demonstrated best utilization of the wind by keeping his returns low and short; the 'Canadian Cruncher's tireless work ethic waned in the latter half of the second set enabling TT/'Coach' to grab the final three games. "Titan, I hustled to make a buck at Cap'n Con's for seven hours while you were pinching pennies at the Dollar Store. I should be tired, and you should be rich! At least one of those statements is true." Ron interjected, "Titan, just admit it. Jo and I not only live on Kingfish St. - we are the 'King Fish' of any court you play on."
"Titan, you can't be serious" shrieked Ron 'Michigander' van Dyck in his best John McEnroe voice as the two partners walked to net to congratulate Ron's better half, Joanne 'Canadian Cruncher' Van Dyck and Walt 'Show Me' Klein. Ron being a gracious husband (if not clear thinking tennis player) had agreed to be TT's partner to enable Joanne to play along side of 'Coach' Klein in the second and final set of the morning. The (1-6) result was as inevitable as an Obama promise of jobs in his on going campaign for his (let's hope) one term presidency. "But Ronnie, avoiding the bagel was as precious to me as was the 'Cruncher' and I holding on for our (6-4) victory over you and that 'Missouri Mule' in the opening set" declared a euphoric Titan. "No bagel for me!" To wit the 'Canadian Cruncher' chortled, "Titan you don't know 'jack!' It's like you're the pot calling the kettle black. You calling Walt a 'mule', when every tennis player on the island knows that you are the 'ass!'
"We don't treat our husbands any better than we do you" chorused the trio of 'giddy gals' who mistreated the TennisTitan again this morning at Riverside Park in Tarpon Springs. "Next time we'll let you play with the fellas and you won't feel so impotent" consoled Suki the 'Korean Komet' who again outclassed (5-7) the 'boisterous blowhard' when he paired with Pam 'Here's Another Slam' Baldyga. "Titan, at least I won two games with you today cackled Dori 'Rhode Island Red' (2-6) but it's sure easier being Suki's partner than yours!" "But Titan I am your salvation am I not" opined Sukie. I let you put the cream cheese on the bagel (6-0) we authored against these 'heckling hens' by having you serve it out." After the obligatory picture was taken the 'tortured tortoise' smiled meekly and hobbled to the sidelines as Chris took his spot next to 'Rhode Island Red.' Sitting next to Danny, who would soon come on for the departing Sukie, the 'bombastic braggart' mumbled "I can't wait to play in a men's game next week. There I can lose and maintain a modicum of pride."
"Maybe you should wear a skirt" quipped Eastchester, NY's own, Dori the 'Rhode Island Red' at the end of two hours and fifteen minutes of play at Riverside Park this date. TennisTitan had finally found his match - and then some - when he hooked into a three setter this beautiful winter morning in the cradle of Tarpon Springs' tennis world. "Do you have to humiliate me this way in front of 12 men playing doubles on the three adjacent courts" pleaded the 'Yonkers Yakker' to Pam 'Here's Another Slam' Baldyga. TT had suffered loses playing as these gals (1-6, 5-7) partner when each had paired with the 'Asian Asteroid', Suki. The 'Korean Komet' speed and defensive prowess dominated all three sets including the (6-2) triumph she engineered with the 'bloated behemoth.' At picture time 'Suki' used her sliced backhand one last time to lacerate the 'lethargic libertine.' "In my culture, we must honor the elderly and enfeebled, 'loathesome loud-mouth,' but at Riverside you are just one of the girls! "Yeah, Dori cackled, don't get your panties in a knot. We beat those other guys too. We'll let you play again on Thursday.
"I told you so. I told you so. I told you so," chanted the smiling 'bloated behemoth' as he retreated to his apartment at the Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club late this afternoon. The 'insufferable idiot' had just had his way with the only half way decent player at the club who will engage in singles play. 'Genial George' the 'Genealogist' Pratt accepted the TennisTitan's plea for a game on short notice and proceeded to inflate the 'fatuous fathead's ego with a (6-3. 6-1) double defeat under clear blue skies in 48 degree temperature. 'Genial George' was anything but as the comrades wended their way back to the building complex. 'Boorish Bozo,' we Floridians don't play tennis under winter conditions. I was insane to go out there with you. You looked like the 'absolute asshole' you are wearing shorts and a tee shirt while the 'geratric grannies' were walking the grounds with hooded parkas, ear muffs, scarves and gloves! What are they to think of their new neighbor." "I don't give a damn what those 'botox biddies' think, retorted the 'bombastic blowhard.' The Titan has come to serve and volley, not to walk and talk." To wit the 'Wisecracking Wichitan' quipped, "Well, maybe not to walk ..."
"Pops, you can't be serious. The only way you'll ever beat me again is if I wear something different, not if you were to wear your stupid hat!" So responded Russ 'Hoya Saxa' Briscoe after his convincing (3-6) defeat of the TennisTitan. The ol' man was lamenting the fact that he donned his Longhorns cap rather than the TennisTitan chapeau that was left back in NY. "Russ, it was foreordained that I would lose with this cap on after last night's performance by the Horns." In a set played in NY-like weather (45 degrees, misting) at the Tarpon Tennis and Sail Club Russ answered every challenge TT could put before him. Titan moved the 6'6' sleek gargantuan around the court reasonably well, but Russ is no 'bloated behemoth' as he got to the droppers and the zingers to the corner baseline equally well. Titan showed no such ability. The Scion of Austin suggested to the Yakker of Yonkers at net, "let's stop now before either of us gets hurt in this rain and I'll take you to the mall and buy you another TennisTitan hat. Then, maybe we'll play again tomorrow." Titan quipped, "yeah, and I want to buy you a pair of snowshoes and a set of handcuffs to equalize things on the court."
"So Titan, didn't I tell you" prodded Rich 'RC Cola' Condon at the conclusion of the fourth set played this wintry day at the Yonkers Tennis Center. RC had touted that the 'Queen of Amackassin,' Debbie Samis would be the determining force in this day's court action, just as Bill 'EBL' Tully had dictated play Monday at the YTC. Fortunately for the Titan he had the benefit of playing along side the Queen for his (6-2) victory against RC and Gene 'King' Slattery. Your erstwhile 'bombastic bloviator' was the victim of a particularly quick 'checkmate' as he and the 'King' were annihilated at love (0-6) in the opening set. 'My Liege' who had started so strong this past Monday against TT/'EBL' had nothing to contribute in the 20 minute shellacking administered by his fellow Amackassin Club players. Titan was ready to send the his 'King' on a one way ticket to the Indianapolis 500 (The Brick Yard) with the amount of bricks the 'King' deposited into the net or beyond the baseline in the opener. But the 'King' regained his form in the finale when he again paired with TT in handing 'Queen Debbie' her only setback of the day (6-4). As the foursome gathered at net to bid their goodbyes the 'petulant pedagogue' responded to the 'RC's query. "Richie, it's what you didn't tell me that I'll remember most about today's action. You hung in there tough in that third set as my partner. You were the 'Jack' of all trades in our hard fought (3-6) defeat to the 'royalty' of Amackassin." Slattery, anticipating what was coming from the 'insipid instigator' quipped, "No, Titan, you are not the 'Ace', just because you delivered five of them in today's play. After all, four of them barely made it over the net." Debbie said, "And I thought I was supposed to serve like the girl!" "Who knew!?!"
"No way were you the Joker today, Titan" (see 12/17 blog) exclaimed Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully as the two compatriots sauntered off the Yonkers Tennis Center courts. TennisTitan and 'EBL' had rallied to take the last two sets from Gene 'King' Slattery and Rich 'RC Cola' Condon (6-2. 6-3, 4-2 partial) when time ran out. Your 'boisterous blowhard' had successfully answered the bell and played extremely well alongside the 'Tullyville Trolly.' 'King' Slattery had come out strong, booming his serve past and or through the 'loathsome loudmouth' in the (4-6) opener. 'King' had predicted that his 'Amackassin artillery' would be more than enough to quell the 'bragadocious braggart' no matter how well the 'Crestwood cruiser' vollied and patrolled the back line to make the 'immobile minotaur' a winner. It looked like that might be the case early on, making this a long day on the har-tru. But the slight drop in 'King's first serve accuracy after a dominant first set performance, and with 'EBL' hitting stride, and TT solving the riddle of Condon/Slattery at net, the tide turned. Titan raised his game, particularly at net, to compliment the 'ubiquitous urchin' who runs everything down. The 'petulant pedagogue' had an effective 'folly floater' and lasered the alley often enough, to create the seams that needed to be exploited against these net-rushing adversaries. As the teams met at net for post-mortems 'King' opined, "Blowhard, how come you don't raise your game with me, when we partner against 'EBL' and 'Big Al'? 'RC Cola,' endeavoring to curry favor with TT responded, "Ah, 'King', speaking of raising one's game...what about the 2nd and 3rd sets." Tully chimed in "Titan's a gamer. He doesn't promise what he can't deliver. Today's effort was 'C.O.D.'... put Condon on the Defense!" ' Then 'King' delivered this fatal warning to his unsuspecting partner: "Richie, you'll be lucky if Tommy TrashTalk doesn't change that 'n' in your name to an 'm.' He can be a REAL scumbag in his stupid blog, you know."
"We don't care what you put in the blog. Everyone knows you write and take better pictures than you play tennis."
"King, are you sure it was your knee that was operated on" joked the TennisTitan at the completion of the two sets played at the Yonkers Tennis Center today. 'My Liege' had paired with TT against Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully and 'Big Al' DioDati and was surgically dismembered by that combo (2-6, 4-6). Titan who had played very little tennis on his recent Senior Southern Tour played creditably, to his own undistinguished level. The 'King of Kinsley' had no answers at net and was unable raise his game to his usually high standard coming off a two month layoff. 'Big Al' quipped, "It's a damn sad day for tennis when the 'fatuous fathead' volleys better than anyone he partners with. Gene laid more bricks at net than the day masons I hire to work my construction jobs." 'EBL' choosing to see the glass half full opined, 'the King was a little rusty today. Just read the Titan's blog about this match. Then you'll see real rust. I bet, not even one funny line, and he's been away from the keyboard only one month!" Slattery turned to the 'blathering blasphemer' and said, "In 10 days we meet again, but then I'll be on the other side of the net. I will again be your king; you will be but a joker in the deck I shall deal you that day!"
"These guys make me feel young" beamed Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe at the conclusion of his fifth set this glorious day (for the Briscoes) at Kinsley. "Better still, they should make you feel talented - given their level of play" quipped the proud Tio Titan. The 'Jersey Bomber' had made the 60 mile trip in from Monmouth County to visit his mom and help TT with some repairs around the house. Who knew that his most potent assist would be repairing the Titan's tarnished image on his home court. After dropping their first set (1-6) to the tandem of George 'Chemist' Hauss and Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman TennisTitan and the 'Jersey Bomber' were formidable: thrashing 'Big Al' Diodati/Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso (6-2); overwhelming Chris 'Prozac Kid'/Lou 'Pistol Gerencser (6-3); and outlasting Frank 'Slats' Slattery/ George 'Chemist' Hauss (6-4). The 'naughty nephew' reserved his finest offering for the crowd of defeated elders eager to hear his synopsis of his final victory of the day over 'Prozac'/'Chemist' when he paired with the 'Pistol' in their (6-3) triumph. "It's good that the Titan is watching and resting now, so that he can rest even more while he watches me from a lawn chair while I work on his roof. And you know those 'it's in the DNA' cries he was bellowing as I made shot after shot, running my ass ragged, to pull each set out. Well here's my DNA. "I - DIDN'T - NEED the ASSHOLE."
"Titan, you can't play any better than that, and you still lost" gloated 'Big Al' Diodati at the end of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center this rainy afternoon. TennisTitan had put together his strongest outing of the year and came away with 'nuttin'! Teaming with regular cohort, Max 'Tutor' Tuchman, the 'bloated barbarian' raised his game several notches in his double defeat to the 'Italian Stallion' and Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully (3-6, 5-7). Tennis Titan connected on just about everything today; surprising himself with efficient net play, crisp backhand returns that prevented 'EBL' from taking control of points on his serve, well placed lobs when 'EBL' was coming in, and going backdoor on the Tullyville Trolly as the speed merchant anticipated needing to cover the middle at net." 'Big Al,' did I mention I liposuctioned your gut several times when I decided not to laser the forehand down the alley, but instead rocket it into the body?" TT/'Tutor' managed to get the second set to 5-5, rallying from 3-5 down, but did not get the job done. A remorseful 'Tutor' opined at photo time, "I feel bad for you, 'egotistical egomaniac.' Had I played half as well as you did today we would have had a victory." Tully chortled, "yeah, and I suppose you two will have a snowball fight in Florida."
TennisTitan took to the outdoor courts this afternoon at Kinsley and took down his adversaries as easily as the surrounding maple trees were losing their leaves on this beautiful, crisp fall day. TT paired with Bill 'Electro Lux' Ching for the first of his two sets. With the score knotted at four games apiece it became tennis-interruptus as John 'The Neck' Manzi excused himself for a 30 minute bathroom break! Indeed, the maven of mid-week tennis had to take an emergency dumper thereby temporarily abandoning his partner 'Lil' Papi. The 'boisterous blowhard' did not flinch at the opportunity to take 'Lil Papi' as his partner during the ensuing break. TT and the 'Ecuadorian Mosquito' led the tandem of Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz and 'Electro Lux' four games to two when the 'Neck' reappeared with his bathroom host, Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. The Titan and the vacuum repairman finished their business, wiping (and whipping) the asses of Manzi and Lil Papi in 2 quick games to complete their first set (6-4) victory. Because 'Gimpy Knees' reneged in his stated commitment to play a full set and ceded his spot along side 'Electro Lux' to the 'Neck,' 'Russkie' joined the 'bombastic blogger' to complete the aborted second set, another (6-4) triumph. As the group met at net 'Lil Papi' opined, "I don't know if I won or lost with the the 'Gringo Gigante? It's like I had a taco, but no enchillada." 'Electro Lux' commented 'You lost, we beat you 6-4." The 'Neck' cringed and quipped, "Titan is my hemorrhoid. I always feel a little bloody and sore after he works me over with the rough, raw lasers to the backside corner. I know I lost more than my dignity today."
