"Titan, that little game of yours has no place in a big state like Texas. You can get away with patty cake tennis at Kinsley but down here you got to cowboy up" crowed Stuart 'Santa Ana' Gourd at the completion of play at Northwest Park in Austin this date. "Put it this way (sic) pahdner: you're like a bronc that's been broken long ago and now's only fit to be ridden by little old ladies lookin' for that one last thrill" cracked the 'amiable attorney' after his (3-6, 1-6) whipping of the 'desultory dilettante' who wandered into his line of fire. "You thought you got the drop on me calling me at the last minute for a game. You thought you could drop and then lob me to a victory. Think again! You dropped in the 92 degree heat." Indeed, TennisTitan was competitive for half a set (3-3) before the wheels came off and he dropped nine of the last ten games. "Titan, best you hook up with those 'dilly Dell' boys if you're looking for a victory in Texas. Their stock is down, just like yours. Consider yourself lucky. You saw the 'King,' George Strait, Friday night, you met your 'King' this afternoon!
TennisTitan will be in the Lone Star State from the 24th through October 1st. He is expecting to engage Russell 'Hoya Saxa' Briscoe and Stuart 'Santa Ana' Gourd, plus other unsuspecting innocents wandering the tennis courts of Austin or purveying sales at Dell. George Strait concert, Longhorn Football, and Texas Stars Hockey will likely serve as TT's victories. Look for the Titan back on the Kinsley concrete Saturday 10/3 before he embarks on the annual October Florida Tour on October 5th. Keep watching for further posts.
'Prez, I am always sincere, even if I don't mean it" chided the 'bloated behemoth' to a crestfallen Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso at the end of their two set donnybrook at Law Memorial park in Briarcliff Manor NY. 'Prez' had built his hopes up that, off last week's trouncing of the TennisTitan on these same courts, that it would be the 'penurious penny pincher' who would have to reach for his American Express card to pay for this afternoon's post match lunch at Squires. "You son-of-obama, you set me up. Just like Obama did to the American taxpayer. Last week you didn't run for anything; today you chase down every ball in our extended rallies." Indeed, TT's motivation was higher than his energy level. The 'chirping cheapskate' never wants to go into his back pocket. Titan eked out a (7-6 [6]) first set victory denying 'Prez' three (3) set points in the process. TT was serving to level the match each of his service games after his 3-1 lead became a 3-4 deficit. The 'boisterous blowhard' came up with the goods time and time again at crunch time. "Prez,' you out played me in the first set" is what elicited the raucous cry from the retired, now svelte, health teacher. "And what about the second set?"and incredulous, apoplectic, enervated educator moaned over his shrimp salad at Squires. Titan paused to reflect as he engorged himself over with his reuben while savoring a Bud Light. "Beating you (6-2) in that second set was akin to what's in store in the midterm elections for that leftist, reactionary who sits in the Oval Office. I beguiled you on the court with my spin, just like he did with his rhetoric to the electorate."
"Titan, I guess I just ran out of butane" apologized the Bunsen Burner man - George 'Chemist' Hauss. 'Chemist' had paired with the 'loathsome loudmouth' in TT's third and fourth sets and was unable to lift the 'garrulous giant' to his fourth victory of the day. Indeed, the Master of the Slice/Sidespin/Backspin serve had an eratic day on the Kinsley concrete. The wind appeared to play havoc with the 'Chemist's serve and return calculations more than any of the other contestants. Titan had carried the load in their (6-1) crushing of Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser in the penultimate set of the morning. The 'pedantic prevaricator'/'Chemist' fell in the finale (4-6) to the tandem of 'Kraut'/Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz primarily because Bunsen Burner flamed out. TennisTitan had opened the day as 'Kraut's partner and could do no wrong. TT contributed mightily in their two set blitzkrieg of George 'Teacher' Febles/Mike 'not so stellar' Stella (6-0) which preceded the (6-2) scorching of 'Chemist'/'Pistol.' As the teams met at net to bid farewell Titan was perplexed that the seemingly remorseful 'Chemist' referred to the 'bloated behemoth' as the "Xenon of Argon" after his self-effacing butane remark. 'Pistol,' with his degree in pharmacology, fired his only ace of the day, when he enlightened the gaped-mouth 'bitching bullshitter,' "Titan, it's clear. George recognizes you for what you are on the court: an INERT GAS-bag!"
"Titan, you cannot blame me for your failures this time" opined Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev at the end of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center this day. Vlad had teamed with the 'immobile minotaur' for two sets against 'Big Al' DioDati and Max 'Tutor' Tuchman. I read your blog from Tuesday and if you cannot beat 'Prez' how can you expect me to do enough for you to win against two opponents who know what they are doing on the court? 'Russkie' was firing Soyuz rockets both on and off the court in the (2-6, 3-6, 2-2 partial) shellacking administered by the September Birthday Boys, Max and Al. For his part TT came away more satisfied with his play compared to the feeble attempt at mediocrity demonstrated against 'Prezidente' (see Sept. 15th entry). The 'bombastic blowhard' brought some occasional pop to his serve and moved without pain (albeit slowly) to the ball. The 'Dacha Doctor' has stone hands at net and reacts hesitatingly to any ball not hit into his strike zone. "But at least I attempt to get to the net to get a short ball" critiqued the literary giant. "It is you, Titan, who is on a five year plan like my old government in playing points." As the teammates bickered at net 'Tutor' came up with a reasonable solution. "There is only one doubles team you two have a chance of beating today: Dom and Vinnie. Let's find them, maybe they'll serve - I hope it's dinner! "
"I'll tell you this Prez, my pride hurts a damn lot more than my back at this time" a sullen TennisTitan whimpered as he sat on the bench at the Law Clay Tennis Courts in Briarcliff Manor this afternoon. TT had just endured the ignominy of a double defeat to Rich 'Prezidente' Presioso. Your 'bloated behemoth' was determined to test out his aching back and suffered devastating loses to an opponent that he seldom had difficulty dominating. Titan could generate no power on his serve or groundies. Every step toward the ball was accompanied by a stiletto to the sacroiliac. 'Prez' showed an uncanny ability to get balls back in play that heretofore were unplayable. "Titan, I not only shed thirty (30) pounds from my svelte frame this summer, but with today's (4-6, 3-6) whipping of your lard ass, I figured I just got another, what, 230 pounds of 'heaping hubris' off my back. Next time you deign to travel to northern Westchester be prepared to run and hit a second shot." As 'Prez' sped off in his 45K Mercedes convertible he shouted to the forlorn figure lumbering lethargically toward his used Hyundai, he fired his only ace of the day, "Every other time you show up, you beat me, and I wind up paying for lunch at Squires. Today I made you my squire and I ate your lunch!"
"Back, knees, hips - with you Titan, it's always one thing or another - but for my money you're always one big pain in the ass!" So commented Max 'Tutor' Tuchman at the conclusion of the third set at the Yonkers Tennis Center. 'Tutor' was feeling his oats having just tasted victory as Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully's partner in their (1-6) thrashing of TT and 'Big Al' DioDati. Max had been on the short end when he paired with the 'bombastic blowhard' in set one and suffered the humiliation of a '20 minute bagel (0-6). 'Big Al' put it in perspective perfectly when he carped, "Don't be taking any credit for that middle set bone we threw you TT when we insisted you be 'EBL's partner. Winning (6-2) is like a loss for you because Max and I got two games watching you piddle paddle across the baseline with your panties bunched in your crack." Indeed, the 'immobile minotaur' got pummeled on and off the court. His court coverage was reduced to spectator status as duly noted by club pro Simon offering to place a chair at the service line for the 'bloated behemoth 'and his cutting remark to the charges in his care: "Kids, this is why we do calisthenics as part of our warm up. That old guy over there. His warm up is opening a can of tennis balls and taking his sweats off. Then he never shuts up. His one-liners are flat and ineffective, just like his groundies. His serve wouldn't break a pane of glass - yes he's one royal pain in the ass!"
'Slats' stated "I guess that is why Titan calls him 'Speedy Legs' as Carl Gessman hastened to the exit at Kinsley this morning, "I can relate to that." Actually 'SL' departed figuratively 20 minutes before when his game left the Titan partnerless in their second set match against George 'Chemist' Hauss and Frank 'Slats' Slattery. TT/'SL' were up three-love when the tide turned. It was again hastened in by the inexplicable departure of a once reliable Gessman serve as undoubtedly a mother-in-law chauffeur obligation beclouded his on-court responsibilities. Making the matters worse was a botched line call made by an out-of-position 'Chemist looking through his partner's moving feet from 9 yards away. "You can't be serious" yelled the 'bellyaching blowhard' in his best John McEnroe voice from his position looking right down the line at the hapless 'Slats' unable to play the ball. The discombobulated unemployed graphic artist proceeded to fall apart but did not lose his sense of perspective. "Titan, you and I defeated 'Big Al' Diodati and Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz (6-4) in the opener, 'GK' will fill in for me at four all and carry the 'bloated behemoth' to victory too." Not to be. The 'whining wimp'/'GK' lost two hard fought games (4-6) to end TT's morning with a split. As the bedraggled 'SL' left skid marks on Morsemere Avenue he yelled to the 'snivelling snot,' "Blowhard, you can carry (rip) me on the court all you want, but Donna brings home the paycheck. Girls rule. You're a fool!" (so this is news?!)
"Titan, what drugs are you on?" queried an incredulous 'Prosac Kid' at the end of the 70 minute free-for-all of a set at Kinsley this evening. TT and Chris the 'Prosac Kid' played inspired tennis to defeat the tandem of Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman and George 'Chemist' Hauss (7-5). 'Prosac' put the burden squarely on the 'boisterous blowhard's shoulders during warm up when he announced "I'm on quite a winning streak...haven't lost a set in two weeks and have won 15 of the last 17 I've played in, Titan." "Duh, Prosac, are you sure you want to play with me" rejoined the 'bloated behemoth.' Racing off to a three games to love lead the unlikely duo appeared to have things well in hand. A scant 25 minutes later the 'Yonkers Yakker's service was broken after failing on four ad-in opportunities leaving the lads facing a 3-4 deficit. TT/'Prosac' immediately broke back and then forged a 5-4 lead on the savvy play of the 'pedantic prevaricator' and the resilient returns of the 'sedated sensation.' That advantage was short-lived as the ubiquitous 'Chemist'/unrelenting 'SL' continued their mastery on each and every point that went 10 or more balls knotting the contest again. However, your 'egotistical egoist' delivered the goods at love in the critical eleventh game on his service to put the pressure on 'Chemist's serve. A gleeful 'tranquil treasure' and an 'exhausted egghead' were all smiles at net feigning consolation as the 'Chemist' return went wide bringing this grueling affair to a happy ending. A grinning Titan turned to his spacey partner and said, "Pros, to answer your question, after we lost that three game lead, I decided to take one important tablet and it did the trick." 'Chemist' quipped, "An amphetamine?" 'Speedy Legs' chimed in "Steroids?" "Nope" retorted Titan, "it works all the time for me...Fuckitol! It let's me go for broke on every shot."
"Titan, make sure the blog reports that my serve was much improved tonight. And that it was the 'Chemist' throwing in those free points today" avered Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman as darkness fell over Kinsley. 'SL' had wandered by the tennis courts and stepped in ably to give the Titan, George 'Chemist' Hauss and Stuart 'not ESPN' Scott the opportunity to play a (near complete) second set. The 'boisterous blowhard' had paired with 'not ESPN' in the opener against the tandem of 'Chemist' and Chris the 'Prosac Kid.' TT/not ESPN succumbed in the tie breaker (6-7 [2]). A strong effort by 'not ESPN' made this set surprisingly very competitive. 'Not ESPN's problems reacting at net were nicely surmounted by his crisp ground strokes from the baseline, effective lobbing, and 'generous George' throwing in a slew of doubles and often shanking his slice return. Stu continued to shine in the truncated no-ad 2nd set when he paired with the 'Chemist' against 'SL'/TT. As the teams packed up their bags 'Chemist' reminded all, "Now, 'blogging bullshitter,' remember your rule: You only blog full sets." "Yeah, interjected 'Not ESPN,' tell the literati that 'I had my 'A' game,' but don't mention that the Titan/'SL' team squeaked out a tie breaking eleventh game to take the nightcap (6-5 [2]). 'Speedy Legs' dead panned, "Titan, wouldn't do that guys. TT always says 'he never misses a line call.' And we believe him on those, don't we boys!? FOOTNOTE: Darkness won the last set.
"Speedy, are you sure you practiced your serve for 45 minutes yesterday" commented TennisTitan at the conclusion of play this evening at Kinsley. Your 'bloated behemoth' put together a doubles match involving Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman, and the Georges - 'Teacher' Febles and 'Chemist' Hauss. With the strong possibility of rain in the Saturday forecast, TT wanted a forum to apply lessons learned from his attendance at the Pilot Pen tournament on Monday. Titan teamed with the 'Chemist' for a three set sweep; 3,2, and 3. Your 'loathsome Lothario' had it all working this day: the folly floater to the backhand on the serve, the looping lob to force a defensive return, the twisting teaser to the forehand side to open up the court and the occasional laser to the open garage door middle. 'Chemist' feasted on set ups at net and imposed his will on the befuddled Febles and the garrulous Gessman with guile and agility. Gessman's usual solid game was undermined by his double figure double faults ( 7 to TT, 3 to 'Chemist'). As the crew met at net, 'El Profesor' opined, "Tommy TrashTalk, I went to the Pilot Pen with you. How come my game didn't improve today and yours did?" The 'blogging bullshitter' didn't hesitate: 'Teach, I took the Pilot Pen course for credit, you only audited it." 'Chemist' quipped, "Ain't that a Bic." 'Speedy Legs' chortled "Don't be Cross with us Titan, you kicked our ass." "I'm gonna celebrate at home with a Schaefer" retorted TT.
"Yeah Titan, it was about heart" yelled Frank 'Slats' Slattery as he beat a hasty retreat from Kinsley. "Titan, you know what it wasn't about; 'Briscoe! that's what. You were but an innocent bystander." What the hell mused the 'bloated behemoth.' Let that pussy whipped whelp think what he wants. TT/'Slats' had just rallied from a 1-4 deficit to defeat George 'Chemist' Hauss and Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso (7-5). 'Slats' continued, "When I paired with Chris 'Prosac Kid' I cruised to easy victories; (6-1) vs George 'Teacher' Febles and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge, then the bagel: (6-0) against 'Chemist'/'Prezidente. You were my challenge." For his part the 'stagnating stalicite' paired with nephew Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe in his two earlier setbacks, (2-6) v. 'Chemist'/'Prezidente.' and (1-6) v. 'Teacher'/'Kraut.' The 'Jersey Bomber' dropped a set of singles (4-6) to Der Klugemeister to complete his trifecta and the morning's activities. As the teams converged at net Sandy Hauss, from the park bench adjacent to the court, exclaimed, "George, I come to watch you play with your friends but once a year. Do you think you could win that ONE set against the 'lumbering loudmouth.' Worse still, instead of looking at six pack abs I see a case of Old Milwaukee empties!" 'Prez' quipped, 'that's another unreturnable against you Titan."
"It was like watching paint dry" cried TennisTitan to the old woman walking her dog as he got in his car. TT was so frustrated with the pace of play today at Kinsley he bailed after only one set, instead of the promised two. Losing that hard fought set (4-6) made it all the easier to depart and turn the reins over to Bill 'Electro Lux' Ching for the remainder of the day. Titan arrived promptly (for him) five minutes late for the promised one o'clock start. He endured a 20 minute warm up from the bench as Chris 'Prosac Kid' Tyrone and TT's eventual partner Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev hit in the oppressive 93 degree heat. John 'Neck' Manzi's 25 minutes of stretching exercise was followed by "Tom I need five minutes of hitting" - that somehow became became fifteen - before TT struck three balls to conclude the warm up. First serve at 1:38PM. The set itself was decent, if not the outcome. 'Russkie' has no touch at net, racket control, or ball anticipation. That said, he was still a significant contributor in TT/'Russkie's erasing a 1-4 deficit to knot the contest at four games apiece against 'Prosac Kid'/'Neck.' The Russian emigree could not hold his serve in the critical ninth game. The 'bloated behemoth' failed to convert at 4-5, 30 -40, and at ad out, in the tenth and final game. At 2:40PM, with the teams meeting at net, TT remarked, "Lads, we played 10 games in 30 minutes, we had 5 changeovers take another 32 minutes, now give me 1 miute to take these pictures and I'll get my sweaty ass out of here. As the 'lumbering loudmouth' headed to the exit 'Russkie' chortled, "Titan, would never make it in the USSR. Our 5 Year Plans were always 10." 'Prosac Kid' yelled, "Hey, take another Lexapro when you get home. You'll feel better."
"Titan, next time call me to substitute when I can be your teammate" complained the 'Prosac Kid' upon completion of the action at Kinsley this afternoon. Chris had been called with the first set at 6-5 in games and served the 12th game and held for the departed Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev. The 'Prosac Kid' held serve to force the tiebreak he and 'Big Al' Diodati dropped to TennisTitan/George 'Teacher' Febles (7-6 [1]). 'Teacher' struggled with his backhand half volley through much of the afternoon but eliminated his errors in the breaker and returned to form in his second set pairing with the 'pedantic prevaricator.' Your 'immobile minotaur' turned in a solid performance in the muggy, mid-90's weather that baffled the 'Italian Stallion' and had his Mexican cohort shouting 'Ole amigo, Gigante, usted es un gran jugador de tenis" at the completion of their (6-3) rout of 'PK'/'Big Al.' When the foursome met at net 'Big Al' lamented, "Boisterous Blowhard' how is it that you play better on a hot afternoon than you do on cooler Saturday mornings." 'Teacher' quipped, "Titan knows how to pick his partners." 'Prosac Kid' responded "Lexapro! TennisTitan plays like a pro when at Kinsley. He must be taking Lucy's medication on the sneak."
"I'm making jambalaya for dinner tonight. So what'd you expect on the court this morning?" commented the 'boisterous blowhard' to a chuckling Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman at the conclusion of play at Kinsley this morning. 'Speedy Legs' had just teamed with Father Tony Ekanem and put a hurtin' on the Titan and Mike 'not so stellar' Stella (1-6). The 'Cagey Cleric'/'SL' had dropped their previous set to the Joe ' Gimpy Knees' Cruz and Chris 'Prosac Kid.' The 'bloated behemoth' got his only victory of the day with a (6-4) triumph over Bob 'Kraut' Kluge/'not so stellar 'Stella when 'Lil Papi' made a surprise visit to Saturday tennis and paired with TT. Also making an unexpected return to the friendly confines was Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso. The former Lincoln HS health educator brought an unusually strong game with him that complimented his newly trimmed and svelte physique. Teaming with TennisTitan in the opening set 'Prez' didn't go into choke-mode until the twelfth and final game (5-7) against the tandem of the Georges; 'Teacher' Febles and 'Chemist' Hauss. As the group of twelve players convened at net fellow former Lincoln High educator Frank 'Slats' Slattery exhorted, "Tell him 'Prez.' You're in the same boat as (Principal) Tangredi was. Where's your partner today? In '94, it was where's my psychologist ?" 'Big Al' DioDati quipped, "Back then he was on the tennis courts. Today Tom Bristol was nowhere to be found!"
"Electro Lux, it's not a problem. I just reverse the motor and blow my opponents off the court" chortled the TennisTitan at the conclusion of his play at Kinsley this afternoon. The 'bombastic blowhard' was in rare form this day teaming first with Bill 'Electro Lux' Ching (6-3) and then with George 'Teacher' Febles (6-4) in handing a double defeat to John 'The Neck' Manzi. The Neck was stretched to the limit in set one in his attempt to stave off the looping lobs from the 'lumbering Lothario' when he paired with 'Lil Papi' the Ecuadorian Mosquito. Titan deposited winner after winner in the far corner over the 5'5" South American making the 'Neck' hot under the collar. Fast Eddie 'the Candyman' Whitman stepped in for 'Lil Papi' for the second set but was unable to put sufficient starch in the 'Neck's game to overcome their five games to one deficit. The 'Teacher,' adept in his defensive style of play and on target with his volleys was a tremendous support to the 'tiring tortoise' in their second set victory. At net during picture time the 'Teacher' was particularly instructive. "John, el Gigante is muy bueno, pero el profesor mejor de todos!" Bill 'Electro Lux' Ching piped up, "John, you saw the way Titan cleaned up the puddles on the court so we could play. He brings a roller, squeegee and a broom. Is it any wonder he vacuumed you off a dry court?"
"Titan, I have met many people during my time in Yonkers who happen to be pseudo Catholics, practicing only on Sunday. You are the only Catholic I know who is a pseudo tennis player, practicing only on Saturday. I must pray for you both because you sorely need redemption!" So ended my day at Kinsley with Father Tony Ekanen as my partner. The 'cagey cleric' and TennisTitan opened their day well with a convincing (6-3) defeat of 'Rockin' Rick' Ricci and Mike 'not so stellar' Stella (who filled in for the departing and inebriated Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz at 3-2 in games). Chris 'Prosac Kid teamed with 'RRR' in sets two and three against the 'peripatetic priest' and the 'ponderous puerile.' 'PK'/'RRR' played fantastic together, dominating the action with a resounding (1-6) thumping of TT/'CC' in the second set. More frustrating to the 'bloated behemoth' was the crushing third set defeat (4-6). The 'boisterous blowhard' and 'humble homilest' managed to flitter away a four games to one lead. As the disappointed 'petulant pedagogue' rationalized his defeat at net, the good Father interjected, "Titan, it is back to Africa for me now. The Holy Spirit needs to imbue you with an 8th gift. Seven are not enough for you. Wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety and fear of the Lord are insufficient. You need Humility too. As they say in Nigeria, "“ngwerre hara ukwu osisi aka akparaya.” This means "If the lizard leaves treading at the base of a tree, it will be caught. Meaning that one should only boast of the terrain he knows."
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