"I am used to carrying a sack of mail through the street, not lugging a lard-ass loser on an asphalt tennis court" lamented the crest fallen letter carrier realizing that he had missed his opportunity for a sweep of the days action. TennisTitan had taken to the outdoor courts at Kinsley today, taking no chance that tomorrow's regularly scheduled game might be a rain out and it'd be a weekend without tennis. TT joined Frank and Gene Slattery and newbie 'Paulie the Merry Mailman' in four high quality sets of tennis. TT/'Merry Mailman opened the afternoon's action with a dominating (6-2) drubbing of the cousins Slattery. 'Slats' and Titan switched partners for the second and third sets. "Titan, I don't have enough postage on my return" was Frank 'Slats' Slattery's rationale. The 'Merry Mailman' continued to elevate his game as the afternoon progressed and significantly outplayed his opponents. 'MM' serves with pace and his ground strokes offer movement and great depth. 'King' Gene Slattery and 'braggadocios bullshiter' could only muster winning rallies against the more tepid returns of 'Slats' in their (3-6, 2-6) manhandling. The final set brought the original pairings back together again to conclude this three hour marathon. Cousins Slattery withstood 'MM's opportunity to serve it out at 6-5 rallying to take the final set (6-8). As the foursome met at net to plan another match in the future 'King' Gene remarked, "Paulie, you still have a first class game." Titan interjected "Gene, make it a priority to control your backhand volley. And Frankie, your serve is strictly parcel post!" In unison the trio turned to Titan and retorted: "You should be certified crazy. And all your returns - receipt requested."
"You better make that something stronger" quipped the TennisTitan to his partner Max 'Tutor' Tuchman at the end of today's play at the Yonkers Tennis Center. TT was reacting to 'Tutor's comment of earlier in the day that no matter how badly he and the 'bombastic blowhard' were defeated by Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully and 'Big Al' Diodati he would still savor his two glasses of wine at dinner with his beloved Sandy. The maven of Dobbs Ferry and the peripatetic psychologist gave it all they had but still came up short in their (2-6, 3-6, 1-2 partial) losses. 'EBL' blanketed the net, fully anticipating every return made by the 'Tutor.' The Titan's inability to cover the short cross court return from 'EBL' prompted 'Big Al' to parry "Max would you like me to stand on the other side of the net and cover that shot for the 'bloated braggart?" Potential winner after winner was denied either by 'EBL's incredible court coverage or 'Big Al's commanding reach or reflex volley into the open court. As the teams converged at net Tully opined, "Hey we're all winners today to be even playing. Yonkers is getting 2 inches of rain and we had a hell of a good time for $52 of court time." Max retorted "for $52 I could be drinking campaign tonight." 'Big Al' ended the discussion with "Campaign is for winners. Have some Kedem. I understand it's kosher."
"Titan, you were damn near out of potential partners" quipped George 'Chemist' Hauss as the rain began to fall in earnest mid-day at Kinsley Park. 'Chemist' was the last of TT's three mates in the four sets the 'immobile minotaur' participated this date. Titan paired with 'Big Al' DioDati in his opening (3-6) loss to the 'Chemist'/'Speedy Legs' Gessman. Then the 'truculent troubadour' moved his moribund act to the challengers court wherein he teamed with newbie 'Handy Andy' Gilbert. The combo of 'Big Al'/Frank 'Slats' Slattery overwhelmed the 'pedantic panderer' and 'Handy Andy' (1-6). Next, stepping on to the court to deflate the 'flatulent fathead'/'Handy Andy' tandem were 'Dave the Rave' and Mike 'not so stellar' Stella who put another (3-6) hurtin' on the Titan team. With the departures of 'Slats,' 'Speedy Legs,' 'not so stellar' there were now no winners willing to adopt the 'languid loser' for one final set. 'Big Al' opined "Titan, I got that loser's taste out of my mouth when I played with 'Slat's' against you. Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso similarly begged off with, "I've already lost two sets, I don't need to be a three time loser, 'mendacious malcontent.' That said 'Chemist' stepped up. "Titan I didn't show the past two Saturdays at Kinsley. You're with me now because I deserve to be punished." Bob 'Kraut' Kluge snickered "my back hurts already anyway. I'd rather team with 'Dave the Rave' than the 'bloated behemoth.' The (7-5) victory eked out by 'Chemist'/TT over the 'Rave' and Der Klugemeister was especially sweet, if not pretty.
TennisTitan joined Bill 'Electro Lux' Ching in a (6-2) victory against John 'Neck' Manzi and Chris the 'Prosac Kid' in the only set played to completion at the Yonkers Tennis Center. The 'motormouth monster' had it all working this afternoon leaving his adversaries scratching their heads unaccustomed to seeing such dominance from the 'bearded blatherer' and his partner considering setting up a rocking chair on court. This is not to say that TT was not heavily physically taxed. 'Electro Lux' can no longer serve and covers less ground than the 'bloated blowhard.' TT held service successfully four times, covered 'Electro Lux' backhand side impeccably on defense and lasered the backhand corner with unstoppable approach shots. 'SuperBillie Boy' Ching finished so often at net with easy put-away volleys that he had to remind the Titan, "easy, Big Guy, I'm trying not to lift my right arm over my head - cardiologists orders." As the foursome met at net the 'Neck' commented, "Titan - only contribute $10, not $15 for today's indoor session since I was delayed 30 minutes getting here. Same for you 'Prosac' and 'Electro Lux.' To wit 'SuperBillieBoy' answered, "John, consider the $25 you will now pay in court time fees a good investment. You attended a tennis clinic -TennisTitan style!
"Titan, I don't know how you do it, but you do it to me every time" commented an exasperated 'Rockin' Rick Ricci at the end of his 100 minute ordeal against the 'bloated behemoth.' TT had accepted a last minute invitation for a late afternoon singles match against 'RRR' to be played at Schultz Park in Northeast Yonkers. 'Rockin' Rick was itchin' to get off the schneid (having never beaten TT in singles) against another tennis whore who never has enough sense to 'just say no.' The two sets played were very different in content but brought forth the same happy result for the 'boisterous blowhard.' "It was like a truck hit me" lamented 'RRR' after the first set massacre (6-1) that saw TT run to a 5-love, 40-30 lead before choking on his bagel. The resurgent retired NY Times pressman broke the 'pathetic panderer' in the first game of the second set at love and held (also at love) to set the tone for the uphill struggle for the 'languid lothario.' TT came back from love-30 in the 3rd game, and love-40 to break 'RRR' after the 4th deuce to level the set at 2. The 'implausible impostor' ginned up his game to knot the contest at four and hammer nailed his forehand with precision to break 'RRR' at love in the decisive ninth game. As the combatants met at net after the 'flatulent fathead' served it out without difficulty, the Irascible Italian complained, "I blew that second set quicker than I ever blew into my saxophone in my gig playing days." Titan replied sheepishly, "what just happened, it's be done before: John 11:38-53.
"Titan that first set reminded me of D Day. Just like 65 years ago today, June 6th 1944, you were slaughtered by a 'Kraut' as you hit your Omaha beach- Kinsley Park" chortled the Teutonic One, Bob 'Kraut' Kluge after he annihilated the TennisTitan in their set of singles (2-6). 'Der Klugemeister' then joined forces with the 'blundering blatherer' for a set of doubles against 'Rockin' Rick' Ricci and Stuart 'not Espn' Scott. 'RRR'/'not Espn' had survived their first set meeting (8-6) against the tandem of 'Dave the Rave' and Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman to earn the right to defend champions court against 'Kraut'/TT. And defend they did! 'RRR' dominated the baseline rallies with 'Kraut' and 'not Espn' played above his norm to open a surprising four-love lead. But just as D Day turned the tide in the allies fortunes three generations ago, so too did the steady play of the 'ponderous panderer' working 'not Espn's' backhand. 'Kraut,' struggling with his serve and back hand this day, began to find the mark. With the set even at four, 'Kraut' was again broken to give the upstarts a 4-5 lead. The bombings of Dresden and Berlin to end WWII were no less devastating than TT's/'Kraut's winning the final three games to take the set (7-5). As the boys met at net 'Der Klugemeister' declared, "Tommy boy, you are the new Eisenhower! You may be run over by superior firepower at the beginning of a tennis battle, but you always seem to have a plan, an Operation Overlord, to win the set in the end. "Titan rejoined, "Kraut, my man Winston said "Never was so much owed by so many to so few" after the Battle of Britain." "This applies to you today."
"Your dogs barking rattled my game more than anything you threw at me on the court, Titan" was Rob 'Jersey Bomber' Briscoe's comment during the changeover between sets one and two at Kinsley Park today. The 'bungling Bomber' (5 double fault gifts) had just dropped the first set (6-4) to TennisTitan and was determined to avoid the ignominy of a sweep. The 'unctuous uncle' captured the critical seventh game with a break at love and held on to serve it out three games later. The 'Jersey Bomber' went to plan B in set two and eventually righted the ship. The 'naughty nephew's hustle and all court play dwarfed his one dimensional 'rotund relation' throughout the two hour struggle. That effort paid off midway through the second set when the 'Jersey Bomber' turned a three-love deficit into a 3-4 lead with effective serve and volley play and consistently running down TT's near winners. Titan gamely hung in there avoiding a complete melt down evening the set at 5 apiece. "I talked to my cousins, Titan, - your sons - 'Big Daddy' Jeff and 'Hoya Saxa' Russ. They told me you can't finish. They're right!" quipped the 'resurgent Robbie' as he waltzed to his (5-7) victory by breaking his Godfather at love to end the match. "And TennisTitan please refer to me as the 'Mammoth of Monmouth' in your insipid blog. You'll hit the Chinese buffet harder than your first serve."
"Titan, isn't it clear to you yet? You don't win without a Slattery at your side" averred Gene 'King' Slattery at the conclusion of TT/'King's (6-4) victory over George 'Chemist' Hauss and Frank 'Slats' Slattery at Kinsley Park. The 'flamboyant fathead' was justifiably rejoicing in the triumph that more than offset an earlier (4-6) loss to 'Slats'/'Dave 'the Mellow One' when the 'egotistical egomaniac' had paired with Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman. 'King' was a little testy during the match having already dropped a set to 'Chemist'/Bob 'Kraut' Kluge (1-6). "Titan, carrying you to victory is always a chore. When I was routed with Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso as my partner it was no big deal. Cousin Frankie could take no credit." But when the family pride is on the line, I take no prisoners! Play better or you will be my serf forever!! "My Liege, your wish is my command" retorted the 'boisterous blowhard.' A retreating 'Prezidente' chortled as he entered his car, "pompous panderer,' even I shall gallantly expose the glaring weaknesses in your game. Soon I will dine on your nickel at Squires.
"Dad, I was a classics major at Georgetown, trust me, this was your Thermopylae, so corrected Russell 'Hoya Saxa' Briscoe upon completion of his two set sweep of the TennisTitan at the Yonkers Tennis Center this afternoon. 'Hoya Saxa' blew into town for the weekend to celebrate his ol' man's 63rd birthday. "Pop, I guess I also came north to celebrate a (3-6, 4-6) Texas ass kicking of the 'paternal prevaricator.' "Russ, give me credit for hanging in there and making you play your best in the final games of both sets to close me out." "No can do 'grumpy geriatric' this was no marathon run on my part." "Can't I claim it a Pyrrhic victory at least. I know I lost but I put up a good fight" pleaded the 'pompous pontificator.' 'Hoya Saxa' completed his domination of the 'aging agnostic' this date firing this ace at picture time: "Don't shoot the messenger - I am Xerxes, King of Persia, you are Jerksys, Titan of the Tennis Kingdom in Yonkers, and the Son has set on your empire. Happy Birthday."
"Titan, if I am your 'King' then you are my Prince Valiant" quipped Gene 'King' Slattery upon completion of the second set at the Yonkers Tennis Center. Indeed, 'King'/TT salvaged the final set by breaking 'Big Al' DioDati in the twelfth game to end the afternoon on a happy note. Their (7-5) defeat of the 'Italian Stallion' and Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully nearly mirrored the opening set loss (5-7) to the indefatigable 'EBL' and the resilient 'steed.' 'EBL'/'Big Al' had hung tough in the opener to break 'my Liege' in the eleventh game preceding a Tully hold to salt away the victory. 'EBL' schooled the 'King' with deft lobs over the left shoulder at critical junctures in this particularly well played match. 'Big Al' similarly came up with the goods all too often when receiving serve on his forehand. But the 'King' reestablished his domain in the nightcap with exemplary work coming in to net from the service line to lead the attack. The 'immobile Minotaur' did his usual yeoman work from the baseline. TT's support at net was reminiscent of a Playtex Living Bra - giving (away) a little too much at times, but holding firm in the right places. As the foursome met at net, 'Big Al' opined, "these will be the matches we'll look forward to next year." 'EBL' commented, "this foursome brings all our levels up." 'King' queried, do we ever change partners?"
'Frankie, you didn't earn it, at least not from me" lambasted the TennisTitan before 'Slats' could open his mouth at net this afternoon at the conclusion of play at Kinsley. The combination of 'Big Al' Diodati and Frank 'Slats' Slattery defeated the 'loathsome loud-mouth' and his erratic partner Stuart 'not ESPN' Scott (5-7, 4-6). Unlike this past Saturday when TT was also on the losing end of a Slattery sweep, kudos could not be offered truthfully today to superior opponents. No, it was inferior play that was the 'bitching bullshitter's undoing. As far as Titan was concerned both sets were gift wrapped and delivered courtesy of the pseudo Sports Center anchor. 'Bellicose bawler,' doubles is a team game' opined 'Big Al' Diodati who outlasted 'not ESPN' rally after rally. "You should be ready to hit the ball too" chortled 'Slats' each time Stuart mistimed his swing and only fresh air whistled through his strings. Titan riposted "Munchkin Frankie, Stu misses more balls than you miss line calls!" "Titan, we expect you to play error free tennis to win a set, but the only errors you don't make are line calls" cackled 'Big Al.' A chagrined and chastened 'bloated blowhard' turned to his forelorn partner and said, "Stu, let's challenge 'em to a game of wiffle ball and see who has the last laugh." 'Not ESPN' deadpanned: "Titan, I only want to pitch to you. And no helmets allowed."
but 
"Titan, you can claim you won the first set...I don't mind" giggled Frank 'Slats' Slattery as the group broke up after this morning's play at Kinsley. 'Slats' could be magnanimous. He had just run the table with Bob 'Kraut' Kluge. TT and two weary partners were the victims in a three set sweep (2,2,1). The 'bloated behemoth' had expected much, much more from his partners but neither Clarence 'Gazelle' Williams nor Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz could deliver the goods. Both the 'Gazelle' and 'Gimpy Knees' have the capacity to be game changers at net but neither was up to the task of out playing 'Slats' in the forecourt. Titan acquitted himself reasonably well from the back line but 'Der Klugemeister' still offers too much fire power on his serve for a sustained counter attack. TT had to be satisfied with his 2 winning games contribution to 'GK'/'Slats' first set victory over the "Double Dave Duo" from Peekskill. "The 'dormant doormat' lived up to his sobriquet" quipped Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser from the adjacent court. 'Big Al' DioDati commented sagaciously, "Lazy Loud-mouth, you belong in our game. 'Speedy Legs' Gessman and 'Happy Jack' Carey are more your level." 'HJ' enjoined "Pistol, I refuse to play with anyone you describe as 'sober'." A bewildered 'Dave the Rave' and his partner 'Dave the Mellow One,' African Americans awaiting winners, said in unison, "Sagaciously!?! - man, tennis is a white boys sport!"
"Why can't he run that way in the game" was all the exasperated 'blogging bullshitter" could say as the 'Chemist' beat a hasty retreat to his car. "Titan, George cost you the third set as surely as he did as your partner in the (4-6, 3-6) defeats Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and I laid on you and him earlier," commiserated Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser. "Hold on Lou," quipped Der Klugemeister "I said 'I'd play with the TennisTitan in the third set.' But no one can guarantee a victory when the 'bloated behemoth' is his partner. A (2-2 partial) let me off the hook. Thank you, Mrs. Hauss." Indeed, 'Chemist' had overstayed his welcome at Kinsley. The Bunsen Burner had jumped higher when his cell phone rang than he had at anytime during the scintillating two sets that preceded the "get your ass home now" command. Doubles play was particularly strong this morning at Kinsley. Shot making and hustle from the foursome was of a high calibre. Too bad no other Saturday stalwarts had the heart to come out on a dreary, humid morning and observe the display. As the trio gathered at net, Titan lightened the mood. "Boys, George's 90 year old mother is up from Florida for Mother's Day. Odds are, that was her on the phone, not his wife. He was just making her feel young again."
"Well, Titan, I didn't want to make a complete liar out of you" Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully quipped at Dom and Vinnie's Restaurant. 'There's enough of that in the blog as it is." The Thursday foursome was putting a wrap on the indoor season with dinner together in the Hollow area of Yonkers. "I see you are having Chicken Giambotto" exclaimed 'Big Al' DioDati between bites of spinach lasagna. "Perhaps you and Max 'Tutor' Tuchman should order a carafe of Merlot to take away the bitter taste of the (1-6, 1-6) ass whipping 'EBL' and I administered earlier. "Easy Al, Titan foretold his readers of what was to come in yesterday's blog. Let's give him credit for being prescient anyway." "Titan - President?" - misheard Max, the Maven of Mayhem. "He acts so damn Supreme on the Court. "Congrats TT on finishing the season bageling 'Big Al'/'Tutor' (6-0) as my partner"chipped in 'EBL.' "Congress?" chortled the Maven, "I couldn't vote for the 'bodacious braggart;' Titan misses more easy shots than Nita Lowey misses budget hearings. And I'm a Democrat!"
"I figured I better get my wins today because tomorrow will be another story" commented the 'bloated behemoth' to the tennis pro on the adjacent court. TennisTitan had accepted a last minute invitation to substitute as the 4th in the 'odd trio' group at the Yonkers Tennis Center. The 'immobile minotaur' rotated through the 'tempestuous triad' giving each member his only taste of triumph. In the first and most challenging set TT paired with Stuart 'not Espn' Scott in a (6-4) defeat of Chris 'Prosac Kid' and Bill 'Electro Lux' Ching. Next Titan took 'Golden Shoes' under his wing and cruised to a (6-2) thumping of 'Electro Lux'/'not Espn.' The 'bombastic bloviator' dominated play by pounding the backhand corner and whistling forehands into the deuce court against all opponents. In the afternoon's finale the 'pedantic prevaricator' returned the smile to 'SuperBillyBoy' Ching's face with their (6-2) thrashing of 'Prosac Kid'/'not Espn.' As the crew convened at net Titan remarked, "Boys, tomorrow I get my ass kicked. So today I decided to take the Tullyville Trolley to the YTC and stay out of the rain."
