"Titan, mon, this ain't cricket." The stinging return from Clarence the 'Gazelle' Williams upon completion of his second set comeback (4-6) with 'RRR' against TennisTitan and Jean 'I Wanna Be a' Victor at Kinsley park this morning. Indeed, the 'bloated behemoth' had benefitted from the quick feet of the 'Gazelle' in the prior set (6-4) when he and TT eked out their cliff hanger against 'Rockin' Rick' Ricci/'I Wanna Be a' Victor. "But Gazelle, doesn't cricket have nine innings like baseball," TT pleaded to the smiling Jamaican master of the net. "Yes, my immobile friend, but it requires running just like American baseball. You seem to forget that on the field of play." Realizing that he had let a 4-3 advantage with TT slip away through fatigue and over hitting Jean chirped, 'Titan, Mr. Williams always seems to handle the pace on my shot, it seems I can not handle the pace of your feet! On the adjacent court 'Chemist' Hauss/'Gimpy Knees' Cruz completed their days work defeating Carl 'Spindly Legs' Gessman and George 'Teacher' Febles (6-1, 7-6 [3]) having opened their play with a (4-6) victory over 'Rockin' Rick and the 'bombastic bloviator.'
"Titan, I think you could work for Mossad." Those sage words were uttered by Yossi 'Israeli Time' Newman upon completion of today's play at Edgemont HS. 'Israeli Time' had been on the receiving end of far too many of TT's blistering forehands that decimated the White Plains landlord's game. Your Titan had it all working this morning - from lasers down the alley, to painting the backhand corner - those groundies kept on coming! The 'bloviating blowhard' came out firing (save for his placement serve to the backhand) when he paired with 'Rockin' Rick Ricci in their two set romp ( 6-2, 6-1) over Tony 'no baloney' Guido/'Israeli Time.' The 'bombastic backhand bomber' flipped partners in the third set and gave his buddy 'Rockin' Rick' a sweet taste of pace (6-3) in Titan's coup d' gras with 'No baloney' Guido. As the two Italian's met at net for picture-time, Ricci opined to Guido, "Tony, I told the Titan I like paste, as in tomato paste in my sauce." Guido shot back, "Ricky, with all the talking Titan does on the court, do you expect him to hear very well." To wit the Semite added, "Titan, you kill in the alley, just like Mossad - but you yak like a yenta! Oh vey, which is worse?!"
"Titan, playing with you is worse than flying in coach on a Friday night out of O'Hare." The sarcasm was dripping more than the sweat from Bob 'Kraut' Kluge upon completion of his two sets with TT this morning at Kinsley. 'Der Klugemeister' had flown in from Chicago for the weekend and was saddled with the responsibility of carrying the 'immobile minotaur' in their two set victories (6-3, 6-2) over the tandems of George 'Chemist' Hauss and 'Big Al' DioDati, and then Stuart 'not ESPN' Scott and Mike 'not so' Stella, respectively. TT/'Kraut' benefitted in having 'Chemist'/'Big Al' be stretched to the limit (6-7 [3]) in the opener against Tony 'no Baloney' Guido and Sab 'Koide Kid. 'Titan reminded the Tuetonic Pepsi truck driver at net, "Bobby-boy, remember when you are on court with me, I fly 'Stand by!" A beaming George 'Teacher' Febles chimed in "Tightened-One, with me, you fly "First Class." How else can you explain you winning a third set (6-0). To wit 'Not ESPN/'not so' Stella' retorted, "How come no champagne with our bagel!?"
"Frankie, I mean it's a feature on your car. Why do you have to employ it at Kinsley." These were TennisTitan's harsh words directed at his partner Frank 'Slats' Slattery upon completion of the four sets this tandem played together at Kinsley this date. Titan was in no mood for his buddy's "I can't always carry you" routine when they had just dropped their second set of the day to a team that included 'Teacher' and an inebriated Joe 'Gimpy Knees' - 'Pour me Another' Cruz. It was not enough for the 'boisterous blowhard'/'Slats' to have won sets two and three in convincing fashion (6-2, 6-3) against George 'Chemist' Hauss and Big Al Dio Dati, and then against 'Happy Jack' Carey and George 'Teacher' Febles, respectively. No, the 'bloviating behemoth' wanted to know why 'Slats' didn't carry the day in set four, letting a 5-4 (three set points) advantage slip away to lose the finale (6-7 [3]). TT/'Slats' had been blown out in the opening set (2-6) by 'GK" Cruz and 'Rockin' Rick Ricci before getting their act together for sets 2 and 3. 'Slats' had wrested the advantage side from TT in the finale and showed us why he shouldn't play the backhand side - he has none! 'Slats' has plenty of hustle on the court and is effective at net, provided he gets a second or third chance at a put-away volley. Titan sings his chorus of "you, you" as the point extends on hoping against hope that 'Mr. Defense' will not play offense. 'Slats' zinged the Titan at picture time when he chortled "Titan, I might be in Cruise control when I match up against 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz, but you seeem to be idling in neutral on the court when I have to team with you. You give new meaning to my understanding of "all work, no play!
The alarm went off at 5:30AM to enable TennisTitan 'to function' for his 8:00 game up at Edgemont HS. Your Titan made his first appearance at Edgemont since last summer joining Jeff 'LimoMan' Berkon, Yossi 'on Israeli time' Newman and Rockin' Rick Ricci in three spirited sets of tennis. TT paired with Rockin' Rick against the 'LimoMan' and 'Israeli Time.' Titan did not have pop on his serve but was adept at service placement and ground strokes. TT/'RRR' won sets 1 and 2 handily (6-3, 6-2) but ran out of gas in the third (3-6). 'Rockin' Rick and 'Israeli Time' both featured occasional strong play at net. Titan controlled the alley and worked the backhand corner effectively. Kudos to 'LimoMan'/'Israeli Time' who held tough in the third set winning all three multiple deuce games to seal their victory as 'RRR' volleys desserted him at crunch time and Titan's sphere of influence was reduced to a two yard circumference. As the foursome met at net 'LimoMan' commented, "Titan, can I give you a lift anywhere? Perhaps to a treadmill?? 'Israeli Time' chortled, "Titan, with all the kibbitzing you do on court, I would like to send you to a kibbutz - in Israel - then we will see you run!
"Titan, you give new meaning to my understanding of 'petit mal'?" The words of Stuart 'not ESPN' Scott at net after he and TT completed their second set at Kinsley this date. 'Not ESPN' was warmly received by the eight fellow hackers on the courts this morning. Stu has been only recently cleared to play tennis again after more than one year on the disabled list having been diagnosed with epilepsy in the Spring of '06. 'Not ESPN'/TT defeated 'Big Al' DioDati and Carl 'Spindly Legs' Gessman in their opener (6-3). 'Not ESPN' showed flashes of his fine all court game amid lapses at the net and an erratic service game. Set two saw further improvement in 'Not ESPN's game as he and TT erased a love-3 deficit to even the set at five before succumbing to George 'Chemist' Hauss and Lou 'Pistol' (sic) Gerencser (5-7). When the quartet met at net 'Chemist' inquired of 'Not ESPN's stated difficulties with short term memory. Stuart, reflected, then opined "I quickly recalled how difficult it is to play next to the Titan as soon as he opened his mouth. Seeing TT's efforts at net as compared with his work from the baseline is the difference between 'petit' and 'grand' mal play!"
"TT, we paid Frankie $8 each to play at his club. How much do we owe you for non-support payments?"
"Titan, I know how you feel. I've been stiffed on a fare too." The cogent comment of Jeff 'LimoMan' Berkon upon completion of his fourth set at Amackassin this date. 'LimoMan ' was making his debut with one of TT's regulars ('Slats') on an unfamiliar (clay)surface. 'Rockin' Rick Ricci had ballyhooed 'LimoMan's much improved game in recent weeks based on his play up at Edgemont. Thus TT arranged this foursome for play at Kinsley. The venue was changed due to a youth program on the asphalt. Pairing regulars together for the first two sets, TennisTitan/'Slats' proved much too strong for 'RRR'/'LimoMan' as they were dispatched at love (6-0) and two (6-2) in the first two sets. Splitting aces the Kinsley boys doubled down and rotated partners for sets 3 and 4. 'Slats' drew the higher hole cards winning (4-6) with 'LimoMan' verses TT/'RRR' and (1-6) with 'RRR' against the tandem of TT/'LimoMan.' Titan's game was strong throughout all four sets. 'Slats' and his partners wisely played "keep away" from the 'bombastic blowhard' in set 3 and 4 enabling TT's partners to self-destruct at net as the 'immobile minotaur' rolled his eyes skyward. When the foursome met at net 'Slats' exalted, "Titan, I don't know what makes me feel better... Taking in $24 in guest fees for my club or knowing how it'll pain you that I -not you- was able to do the necessary heavy lifting in all four sets."
"Titan, if I didn't have to carry you in that first set, I'd also feel like a young man now" chortled George 'Teacher' Febles.
"Titan, maybe it's because we think of ourselves like "flies on shit." The incisive comment made by 'Happy Jack' Carey as Titan joined the overflow crowd of 12 fellow hackers at Kinsley this morning. Your 'bombastic blowhard' had made the decision to leave the VCR rolling and miss 'live coverage of Wimbledon to join his mates for more Simpledon tennis. TT paired with George 'Teacher' Febles in his first and second sets. Tony 'no baloney' Guido, making his first Saturday appearance teamed with the venerable Sab 'Koide Kid' in the opener on court 3 while 'King Gene' Slattery and Carl 'Spindly Legs' Gessman faced off against 'Big Al' Dio Dati and Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz on the champions court. Doing battle of the challenger court were the teams of 'Rockin' Rick Ricci/'Slats' versus 'Happy Jack'/ George 'Chemist' Hauss. Your Titan and 'Teacher' earned the right to be 'movin' on up to the eastside with his (6-3) first set victory to vie against 'King Gene' and 'Spindly Legs in the second set (3-6) loss. Joining the fray for the departing 'GK' Cruz, Chris 'Prozac Kid' teamed with 'Big Al' in a second defeat by 'RRR'/'Slats' on the challenger court. After the departures of 'RRR,' 'Slats,' 'Gimpy Knees,' 'Big Al,' 'Spindly Legs,' 'No Baloney','Happy Jack' 'Koide and Prozac Kids' Titan threw down the gauntlet. "My Liege, can you carry me? These two Georges need a beatin'! As the weary foursome met at net post match 'King' opined, "Titan, your wish was my command (6-1), but shouldn't it be the other way around!?"
"Yes, Titan, we all came to see YOU play on this perfect Saturday for tennis in Yonkers, NY, 'tis a pity we have to hear you too" chorused ten of the 'bombastic blowhard's cronies as he entered Kinsley. TT paired with Mike 'not so' Stella in the first of the three sets he participated in. Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz and Sab 'Koide Kid' proved too difficult (6-7 [3]) as Mike more than lived up to his moniker. Titan righted the ship in an entertaining set 2, when he subbed for the departing 'Koide Kid' as all players raised their games considerably. TT and 'GK' Cruz erased an early break by George 'Chemist' Hauss and Frank 'Slats' Slattery to take the set going away (6-4). With 'GK' begging off carrying the 'bloated behemoth' another set, the 'Chemist' stepped up to pair with the 'immobile minatour' and crush George 'Teacher' Febles and Mike 'not so' Stella(6-1). As the boys met at net 'Happy Jack' Carey and 'Big Al' Diodati lamented not having had the opportunity to humble 'his egoness' this date. Carl 'Spindly Legs' Gessman and 'Rockin' Rick Ricci -another successful tandem today- chimed in, "Boys, you'll have to get in line. The 'bloviator' has had too much Texas barbecue and California smoothies to cover much more than that 40 inch waistline of his. Don't let him tell you it's 38 - that's the mph on his serve"
TennisTitan was back at his regular haunt this evening for some fun singles at Kinsley. Your Titan managed to get George 'Chemist' Hauss for a game on very short notice. TT had been stood up for his prearranged meeting on the clay courts of Amackassin by the Slattery clan. Neither Frank 'Slats' nor the 'King' Gene (nor anyone else for that matter) was at the prestigious Yonkers club to give the bombastic bloviator' a work out. Too bad because Titan would have liked to give them the same hurtin' he managed to lay on the 'Chemist' in their first set (6-1). 'Der Chemiker' made good on his promise "to put up a better fight" in the second set by reversing the tide nicely (2-6). 'Chemist's court coverage was the difference maker. As the pair met at net 'Chemist' related, "Titan, your play this evening was so uncharacteristic of what you usually bring to the table at this time of day" With a wink and a nod Titan responded, "It's probably because I didn't sit at a table before I played. And I was so looking forwarded to having those Slatterys for antepasta."
"Never doubt your father," the first words roared by the 'bloviator' as he exalted in fulfilling his stated promise. TennisTitan was brandishing his shit-eating grin at net while waving a hundred dollar bill. "See, I told you, 'I will leave California with a winning record." Your Titan jumped, er-hopped, er-elevated, er, let's just say got up on the balls of his feet with anticipated excitement when 'Hoya Saxa' noticed some vacant tennis courts on an adjacent Del Mar street as the boys trundled up the Pacific Coast Highway. With Russ feeling the effects of sunburn having spent a few hours on a San Diego Beach, your Titan was not at his usual disadvantage of playing late in the afternoon, long after the effects of his needed morning coffee jolt had worn off. With the Amtrak Coaster speeding by carrying passengers between Los Angeles and San Diego your TennisTitan set out with a game plan that was immutable and unsolvable. Precision first serves to the backhand with the same regularity of TT's pompous on-court remarks, followed by well placed returns to the open court reduced 'Hoya Saxa' to 'rookie status' in the finale (6-1) of Titan's west coast tour. Russ might have lost this battle but won the war when he opined at net, "Ol' Man, I fed you this set, now it's time to feed me! You'll need that C-Note!!"
"Dad, let's face it, you said "Youth must be served" - and you can't." The words of the upstart Briscoe having just tasted his first victory - ever - against the 'ol man. Indeed, the Dell salesman was able to close the deal in the second set against the TennisTitan (3-6) by breaking early and sticking to his game plan. Titan had been mobile enough to counter 'Hoya Saxa' game plan of hitting short and containing his tendency to blast his groundies in set one (6-3) but TT did not have the gas to survive the gritty second set strategy as the day wore on. The 'Bombastic Blowhard' settled for playing at little known Mira Costa College in Carlsbad, Ca. 30 miles north of San Diego. Titan had been searching for those free court opportunities in Sampras and Davenport land up in Palos Verdes and Newport Beach to no avail. God, this is tennis country and tennis weather. With clear blue skies overlooking the Pacific as surfers rode the waves in, your Titan now knows the distractions others face when they play the 'boisterous bloviator' - Who can concentrate in these conditions!? Although Titan's record against Hoya Saxa is blemished forever, he is determined to leave Southern California this Saturday with a winning record. Maybe if I get the Dell salesman drunk...
"Titan, you must be a glutton for punishment... me, I'm just a glutton." The telling words of Travis 'Tank' Schafer at net upon completion of his match with the TennisTitan. Yes, after a restive night's sleep warding off leg cramps, your 'bloated behemoth' was back at his passion under the mid-day Texas sun at McCallum HS. 'Tank'/TT had only today to get their match in, with Friday's schedule in Austin being full for both players. Then it is 'adios' for the 'bombastic bloviator' to California on Saturday. 'Tank' from Sherman, Texas, is a robust (6'1", 260lbs) senior at UT. He was a weight lifter in high school and a reputed 5.5 tennis player a few years back. Ah, "Tank, can you say 3.5." Your Titan had the game this afternoon that 'Tank' couldn't solve even if he is a biochemistry major. Titan cruised (6-1) in the opener, dropping only his first return game and never looked back. Although the (6-3) second set suggested a movement toward parity, TT's experience never let this contest be in doubt. Titan was given too much time to set up his shots and made mince meat out of any paltry second serve offering. 'Tank' had no answer for Titan's folly floater serve (4 aces) that was wisely introduced when Travis was beating himself up for having hit unforced errors against the 'immobile minatour', a man near three times his age. As generation X met an original baby boomer at net Titan opined, "Lad, I dedicated this match to my father. He always said, "Make it Schafer when you're having more than one." "Consider yourself having taken Tennis 101 - an introductory course. No charge, except to your pride."
"Titan, if you'd take two steps to the ball rather than the one you usually do you might have won a few more games." Such was the advice given by fellow tennis blogger Stuart 'Santa Ana' Gourd at net at the conclusion of a modern day Alamo. Stu will report this match rather perfunctorily at http://stutennis.blogspot.com but let me assure you dear Titan followers it was "asses up" as they said in the school yards of New York City in my day. 'Santa Ana' was gracious enough to play shortly after he had returned from a day at work at Northwest Park in Austin. The conditions were similar to this afternoon, just not the opposition. 'Santa Ana' is a more seasoned and conditioned player, and he is attempting to play 365 sets in a calendar year! Stu broke down my game quite easily as Titan was thrashed ( 1-6, 2-6) in 80 sweltering minutes. Titan is going to take solace in some delicious barbecue and cold beer with his son Russell post match. So Titan comes out a winner anyway! Jeez, if only Stu was a little less talented and more giving on the court. I would have called him 'Santa Claus.' But like they said in Brooklyn in the early '50's Stuart: "Wait'l next year." Or to quote the Terminator, "I'll be back."
"Dude, you can be arrested for things like that in Texas" was Spence's comment. Your TennisTitan had just completed a drive-by crime in the tennis code of ethics book. TT, checking out the venue for a match scheduled later this date, came upon three unsuspecting tennis players in a canadian set up, and picked off one of them for a set of singles at Northwest Park in Austin, Tx. The Titan, without racquet or sneakers, but with 'BALLS,' queried from his car, "If you got an extra racquet I'd gladly make it a doubles game." Next thing Titan knew there were two singles contests being played in the 92 degree temperature, 90% humidity. Titan drew Spence, a 36 year old journey man, who had recently returned to the game. With neither player having held serve through the first four games Titan fell into a precarious position as he served at 2-4 to try and get back into the match. Spence was much quicker than TT and had an affinity for hitting winners on balls that had seemingly gone past him. The 'bloated behemoth' had no chance to run balls down without sneakers. Fortunately Spence could not figure out the importance of hitting short to the 'bombastic bloviator'. TT cut down his unforced errors and crept back into the match. Hence, Titan turned the tide, breaking Spence at love in the 9th game and holding similarly in game 10 to close it out (6-4). As the crew met at net for the picture that TT had requested before play began, Neal espoused, "Now I've seen everything. New York has its own special breed of predators, not the least of which is the TennisTitan!"
"And I wore an orange shirt with my white shorts today because you promised me an ice cream if I carried you again - A creamcicle!
"Titan, you can call me 'Big Bird' but you can't call me cheap. I always have fresh batteries in my camera. I can't say the same about you."
"Titan, what did you expect!? I didn't fly in from Chicago to lose." The words of Bob 'Kraut' Kluge at net after he completed a second set victory (6-2) pairing with TT against Frank 'Slats' Slattery and George 'Chemist' Hauss. Titan quickly reminded 'Der Klugemeister' that he had lost earlier in the morning when TT/'Slats' laid a (6-2) thumping on the teutonic duo of 'Kraut'/'Chemist' Hauss. Indeed, your Titan had it all working this morning, that is all but his camera. Again, Titan was caught on the cheap side of life having installed fully charged batteries in his Canon that malfunctioned. But that is all that perfomed badly for the 'bloated behemoth.' TT's return game was strong, and although Titan did not have pop on his serve, his placement offerings got the job done effectively. Your 'bombastic blowhard' paired with Sab 'Koide Kid' in a first set blowout (2-6) against 'Big Al' DioDati and the 'Chemist.' TT's fortunes turned suddenly in his second set of the morning when the 'boisterous bloviator' first teamed with the 'Kraut' in a rousing come from behind (6-5) victory over 'Rockin Rick' Ricci and Joe 'Gimpy Knees Cruz who had to retire early. Earlier matches saw 'Slats'/'Spindley Legs' hold off 'Kraut'/'RRR' (6-4) and 'GK' Cruz/'Koide Kid' get mauled (6-2) by 'Chemist'/'Big Al.' "RRR'/Mike (not so) Stella were served a late morning bagel by 'Spindley Legs'/'Big Al.'
"Titan, even though I wasn't feeling 100% today, I didn't want to disappoint you and cancel. But my game didn't show up."
"Titan, how do you always manage to do this to me?" The words of 'Rockin Rick' Ricci upon completion of his two set marathon match against TT this afternoon at Andrus Park in Yonkers. 'Rockin Rick' had forewarned TT that playing at Andrus would be less than idyllic. "Andrus is noisy, not well maintained by the city, and heavily impacted by the bus and car fumes of the nearby traffic on Central Av." Boy, did 'RRR' ace me with his commentary! He was so right. But your leg weary, back-brace wearing 'bloated behemoth' had enough answers to turn back 'RRR's late-set charges to come away smiling in his (6-4, 6-4) victory. The match was played with fire engines, ambulances, police cars racing up Central Av. with sirens and horns blaring for at least 20 minutes. When that din ended a News 12 helicopter hovered nearby for 45 minutes keeping tabs on whatever the initial commotion was about, and making sure that we couldn't hear ourselves think or give the score verbally. Worse still was the incessant noxious odor of recently paved asphalt on the adjoining basketball court that soured the atmosphere throughout play. Did I mention the gusting winds of 20mph that made ball control for two old geezers near impossible. 'RRR' ever gracious, win or loose, quietly smiled as Titan apologized for not having fresh batteries in his camera as TT chirped, "Rick, the way we played the emergency services should have come for us. I pretended the helicopter was the Good Year blimp over Arthur Ashe Stadium, and that stink - it was your game, more than mine!"
Your Titan got right back at it this morning at Kinsley. Yes the 'bositerous behemoth' joined eight of his mates for some fun doubles on this sultry Saturday morning in Yonkers. TT was the last arriving player and got to watch Frank 'Slats' Slattery team with 'Happy Jack' Carey in their (7-5) victory over 'Big Al' Dio Dati and Carl 'Spindly Leg's' Gessman on court 1. Concurrently Sab 'Koide Kid' and 'Rockin' Rick Ricci dropped a (6-4) decision to George 'Chemist' Hause and Mike 'Not so Stellar' Stella on the challenge court. Your Titan stepped in for a tired (but Happy) Jack Carey to face 'Big Al' and Spindly Legs who were clamoring for another shot at 'Slats' knowing that Frank would once again be asked to carry the 'bloated behemoth' now sporting a back brace. My ass! Titan contributed mightily with his relaible placement service and deep returns to the backhand side that consistently set 'Slats' up for a feast at net in their come from behind (6-4) triumph. 'Slats'/TT then relished the opportunity to square off against the 'Chemist'/'RRR in what was to be a battle to "the last man standing" as the heat and humidity soared. But TT's game rose even higher and his aching back loosened well enough to opine at net "Boys, perhaps relish would be good on your bagel (6-0), but I prefer cream cheese with chives."
"But Prez, I already had the blog mapped out and written in my head when I served at 5-2 in the third set." 'El Prezidente' was now doubly pissed at the Titan. Prez had just captured his third game of the final set (seventh of the three set match) by breaking TT and now he had to hear about the 'bloated behemoth's' favorite drama program of the 1960's as they met at net. Titan whined that he forgot to bring his camera and would have to improvise writing his blog. "You 'Bloviating Bastard' the series was Room '2-2-2' not '2-2-3.' I want credit for every damn game I beat you!" Yes Titan fans, Prez had to flash that American Express card at Squires today as he again failed to hold off the 'bombastic blowhard' on the Briarcliff clay (6-2, 6-2, 6-3) under the revised who-pays format. No longer would TT push his wallet further into his tennis bag by simply denying Prez even one set in their 3 set matches in this affluent suburb. Titan had agreed to a total-games-won formula to make the contest more competitive. "Prez, you win 12 games, lunch is on me; win 9 games, dutch treat." As TT gobbled down his Rueben sandwich chasing it with a couple of Bud Lites, he challenged Prez (and his readers). "At 23 years old I had the hots for the female star of Room 222. Can you tell me the name of this former tv star who has long since flamed out?" You'd be cheating if you know the male lead's name.
